••
♥
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.
One day he made the teacher quite surprised.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said ...
"I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get
better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
One day he made the teacher quite surprised.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said ...
"I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get
better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
••
I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.
••
A blonde calls a pharmacy and asks if she needs an infant
scale to weigh a baby.
The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant's
weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on
an adult scale, then the mother weighs herself alone and
subtracts the second amount from the first.
"Oh, that won't work," replies the blonde.
"I'm not the mother -- I'm the aunt."
scale to weigh a baby.
The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant's
weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on
an adult scale, then the mother weighs herself alone and
subtracts the second amount from the first.
"Oh, that won't work," replies the blonde.
"I'm not the mother -- I'm the aunt."
••
I was smoking on the porch just a minute ago...
And a bird shit on my satellite dish...
I came back in and now all I can pick up on my tv is MSNBC...
And a bird shit on my satellite dish...
I came back in and now all I can pick up on my tv is MSNBC...
••
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick
dancing on a table.
I said "Nice legs".
The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really
think so?"
I said "Definitely!
Most tables would have collapsed by now.
dancing on a table.
I said "Nice legs".
The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really
think so?"
I said "Definitely!
Most tables would have collapsed by now.
••
Being a well endowed child has it's advantages.
Last week for instance, at sports day, I won the three legged
race ......... on my own.
Last week for instance, at sports day, I won the three legged
race ......... on my own.
••
I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead
of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from the back seat,
'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead
of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from the back seat,
'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
••
Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says she
had her first family planning lesson at school.
Very interested, her mother asks, "How did it go?"
"I died of shame!" she answers.
"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
And Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."
Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be
ashamed."
"Yes it is! I can't tell them that we were so poor that you
and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
had her first family planning lesson at school.
Very interested, her mother asks, "How did it go?"
"I died of shame!" she answers.
"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
And Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."
Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be
ashamed."
"Yes it is! I can't tell them that we were so poor that you
and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
••
Here's a tip for all the weed smokers in the room.
If you're going to smoke, always smoke with your fat friends --
the fatter the better.
Cause your fat friends will take the munchies to a whole
other level.
If you're going to smoke, always smoke with your fat friends --
the fatter the better.
Cause your fat friends will take the munchies to a whole
other level.
Your fat friends are like, Damn, potato chips?
I'm gonna go bake a cake.
I'm gonna go bake a cake.
•••
