••
♥
I got a call today from a distorted voice saying,
"Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife".
Both options were tempting,
"Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife".
Both options were tempting,
but I decided to take the money.
••
“I never liked befriending assassins.
They're all backstabbers.”
They're all backstabbers.”
••
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married?
Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted
to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents,
my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says,
"I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like
your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says,
"Did you find the perfect girl?
Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the
perfect girl.
She was just like my mother.
You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My dad doesn't like her."
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married?
Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted
to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents,
my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says,
"I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like
your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says,
"Did you find the perfect girl?
Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the
perfect girl.
She was just like my mother.
You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My dad doesn't like her."
••
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who
is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want.
On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said
I was responsible."
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who
is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want.
On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said
I was responsible."
••
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station...
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station...
••
I love to pamper my wife after she's had a stressful day at
work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot
tap running,
swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything
perfectly so that the moment she walks through the door........
the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.
work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot
tap running,
swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything
perfectly so that the moment she walks through the door........
the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.
••
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
••
There are packs of baboons running around Africa that
take better care of themselves than we do.
You know what health insurance is for me?
I've got Band-Aids in my car.
take better care of themselves than we do.
You know what health insurance is for me?
I've got Band-Aids in my car.
••
My friend took his Granddad to one of those fancy Health
Spa's, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.
It cost him $35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.
Spa's, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.
It cost him $35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.
••••
