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♥
There is a subtle but important difference between the words
"complete" and "finished."
When you marry the right one, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong one, you are finished
And if the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are completely finished.
"complete" and "finished."
When you marry the right one, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong one, you are finished
And if the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are completely finished.
••
Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend,
either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
••
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently
supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that
made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the
electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb
manufacturers.....
A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently
supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that
made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the
electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb
manufacturers.....
••
The other man argued adamantly. "No, No, No!
It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"
It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"
••
An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual
physical.
After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill,
but we have discovered you have a condition which only
allows you another 6 weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great.
I haven't felt better in years.
This just can't be true...... Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going
down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath
every day."
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
physical.
After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill,
but we have discovered you have a condition which only
allows you another 6 weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great.
I haven't felt better in years.
This just can't be true...... Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going
down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath
every day."
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
••
I have auto-correct for my voice... its called my wife.
••
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to
wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary.
One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.
The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse
tied to her head.
The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter
this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she says.
"Yes, I see," he says..... "And your left one isn't bad either,
but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!"
wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary.
One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.
The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse
tied to her head.
The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter
this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she says.
"Yes, I see," he says..... "And your left one isn't bad either,
but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!"
••
My wife is a sex opossum.
Every time I bring up the topic she drops to the floor and
plays dead.
Every time I bring up the topic she drops to the floor and
plays dead.
••
This guy is sitting at the end of the bar gloomy.
His friend arrives and sits down beside him.
"Why so glum, chum?" he asks his sad friend.
"Oh, its my wife, she beats me at everything we compete at.
Jogging, bowling, tennis, cards... just everything."
The friend orders a beer and pauses to think.
"I know," he exclaims, "Challenge her to a pissing contest."
"A pissing contest?"
"Surely you can out distance her on that... do it on the front
lawn so you can see the difference."
"Ok, I'll do it."
So he goes home and says to his wife, "I challenge you to
distance pissing contest.
We'll meet on the front lawn after dark."
So they each prepare themselves drinking lots of beverage
prior to the contest.
After dark they meet and the husband suggests the wife go first.
So she drops her drawers and lets out with a modest shower.
Hubby steps up, drops his drawers, and grabs his "equipment".
His wife says, "Ah, no, dear. No hands allowed."
This guy is sitting at the end of the bar gloomy.
His friend arrives and sits down beside him.
"Why so glum, chum?" he asks his sad friend.
"Oh, its my wife, she beats me at everything we compete at.
Jogging, bowling, tennis, cards... just everything."
The friend orders a beer and pauses to think.
"I know," he exclaims, "Challenge her to a pissing contest."
"A pissing contest?"
"Surely you can out distance her on that... do it on the front
lawn so you can see the difference."
"Ok, I'll do it."
So he goes home and says to his wife, "I challenge you to
distance pissing contest.
We'll meet on the front lawn after dark."
So they each prepare themselves drinking lots of beverage
prior to the contest.
After dark they meet and the husband suggests the wife go first.
So she drops her drawers and lets out with a modest shower.
Hubby steps up, drops his drawers, and grabs his "equipment".
His wife says, "Ah, no, dear. No hands allowed."
••
Old man: "Martha!, what's the name of that damn German
guy who keeps hiding my things?!"
Old woman: "Alzheimer, Frank, Alzheimer..."
guy who keeps hiding my things?!"
Old woman: "Alzheimer, Frank, Alzheimer..."
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