••
♥
Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses
Big Ben and decide to have a contest.
They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the
stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.
The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears
his watch crash.
The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when
he hears his watch shatter.
The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs,
goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and
catches his watch.
"How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow.
Big Ben and decide to have a contest.
They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the
stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.
The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears
his watch crash.
The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when
he hears his watch shatter.
The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs,
goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and
catches his watch.
"How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow.
••
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.
She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all
hours of the night and more.
She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet
cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much
time trying to change you."
"I'm not bitter.
Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all
hours of the night and more.
She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet
cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much
time trying to change you."
"I'm not bitter.
Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
••
A farmer arrives home late on a cold, windy and moonless
night, covered in cowshit.
"George! Whatever happened?" cried his wife.
"Well, when we came out of the pub it was such a terrible
night I decided to take a short cut across the meadow.
On the way my beret blew off and I tried on three others
before I found mine".
night, covered in cowshit.
"George! Whatever happened?" cried his wife.
"Well, when we came out of the pub it was such a terrible
night I decided to take a short cut across the meadow.
On the way my beret blew off and I tried on three others
before I found mine".
••
The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law
furious and packing his suitcase.
"What happened?"
"What happened? - I'll tell you what happened!
I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home
from my trip today.
I got home and guess what I found?... My wife, yes my Yvonne,
with a naked guy in our marital bed!
This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"
"Calm down!" says mother-in-law.
"There is something odd about this story.
Yvonne would never do such a thing!
Wait a minute while I check what happened."
Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"You see, I said there must be a simple explanation.
Yvonne didn't receive your Email."
The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law
furious and packing his suitcase.
"What happened?"
"What happened? - I'll tell you what happened!
I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home
from my trip today.
I got home and guess what I found?... My wife, yes my Yvonne,
with a naked guy in our marital bed!
This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"
"Calm down!" says mother-in-law.
"There is something odd about this story.
Yvonne would never do such a thing!
Wait a minute while I check what happened."
Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"You see, I said there must be a simple explanation.
Yvonne didn't receive your Email."
••
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a
Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll
give you $100."
The one says to the other, "Should we do it?"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred
dollars... I'm gonna do it."
So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks
back out.
The friend says "Well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a
Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll
give you $100."
The one says to the other, "Should we do it?"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred
dollars... I'm gonna do it."
So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks
back out.
The friend says "Well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"
••
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered
"Why, not for about twenty years -
when my husband was alive".
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered
"Why, not for about twenty years -
when my husband was alive".
••
Politicians and diapers.....
both should be changed frequently and for the same reason.
both should be changed frequently and for the same reason.
••
I was playing golf in Ft. Myers, Florida this last December
when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I Miss Chicago"
So I broke a window, stole the stereo and rims, shot out two
of the tires
and left a note that said "I hope this helps."
when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I Miss Chicago"
So I broke a window, stole the stereo and rims, shot out two
of the tires
and left a note that said "I hope this helps."
•ºº•
