••
♥
This is America. It is my God given right to be loudly
opinionated about something I am completely ignorant of.
opinionated about something I am completely ignorant of.
••
Question: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Answer: A roamin' catholic.
Answer: A roamin' catholic.
••
An old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting,
heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech.
Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to
the heckler and said,
"will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience
what he has ever done for the good of the city."
"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice.
"I voted against you in the last election."
heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech.
Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to
the heckler and said,
"will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience
what he has ever done for the good of the city."
"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice.
"I voted against you in the last election."
••
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Little old lady!
Little old lady who?
Who's there?
Little old lady!
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel
••
A game warden noticed how a guy named Sam always caught
more fish than anyone else.
The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret.
The successful fisherman invited the game warden to
accompany him and observe.
So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in
Sam's boat.
When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat,
then took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, when the game warden recovered from the shock of it all,
he began yelling at Sam,
"You can't do this!..... I'll put you in jail!
You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick
of dynamite.
He lit it, tossed it in the lap of the game warden and said,
"Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you
going to fish?"
A game warden noticed how a guy named Sam always caught
more fish than anyone else.
The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret.
The successful fisherman invited the game warden to
accompany him and observe.
So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in
Sam's boat.
When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat,
then took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, when the game warden recovered from the shock of it all,
he began yelling at Sam,
"You can't do this!..... I'll put you in jail!
You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick
of dynamite.
He lit it, tossed it in the lap of the game warden and said,
"Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you
going to fish?"
••
Auto-correct has become my worst enema.
••
George rushed to the hotel manager’s cabin and shouted,
“Help me, my wife is trying to jump from the fifth floor.”
The Manager replies: “It is your personal problem, sir.
What can I do in this matter?”
George bursts out, “Right, but the window is jammed!"
“Help me, my wife is trying to jump from the fifth floor.”
The Manager replies: “It is your personal problem, sir.
What can I do in this matter?”
George bursts out, “Right, but the window is jammed!"
••
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked
potato?
Anything........ just butter him up.
potato?
Anything........ just butter him up.
••
Q: Why are Women more pessimistic about the economy than
Men?
A: Because men are in charge of the economy!
Men?
A: Because men are in charge of the economy!
••
Okay, so a Texas rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine.
The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land
you think you got here?"
Mainer: "Bout 10 acres I'd say."
Texan (boasting): "Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive
completely around my property!"
Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."
The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land
you think you got here?"
Mainer: "Bout 10 acres I'd say."
Texan (boasting): "Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive
completely around my property!"
Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."
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