me and my shadow.....
anyone seen any eggs laying around?
••
♥
During training exercises the Lieutenant driving
down a muddy back road encountered another car
stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the
wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he
pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and
handing him the keys, "Yours is."
down a muddy back road encountered another car
stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the
wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he
pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and
handing him the keys, "Yours is."
••
As the wife lay dead on the floor, the weapon next to
her, the British detective asked, "Do you want to tell
me what happened?"
"I was cleaning it...and it went off," he replied.
"Bullocks," he bellowed.
"It's a bloody bow and arrow!"
her, the British detective asked, "Do you want to tell
me what happened?"
"I was cleaning it...and it went off," he replied.
"Bullocks," he bellowed.
"It's a bloody bow and arrow!"
••
A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre.
She has a dog on a leash.
He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you,
but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was
really into the movie.
He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in
his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he
laughed like crazy at the funny parts.
Did you find that unusual??"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ...
because he hated the book!"
She has a dog on a leash.
He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you,
but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was
really into the movie.
He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in
his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he
laughed like crazy at the funny parts.
Did you find that unusual??"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ...
because he hated the book!"
••
A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when
an irate Irishman stands up : "You're making' out
we're all dumb and stupid.
I oughtta punch you in the nose."
"I'm sorry sir, I..."
"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that
little fella on your knee."
an irate Irishman stands up : "You're making' out
we're all dumb and stupid.
I oughtta punch you in the nose."
"I'm sorry sir, I..."
"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that
little fella on your knee."
••
Stuck-up elderly English couple having lunch in a
high class restaurant in Dublin.
Husband keeps letting out loud farts, wife looking
more and more daggers at him with each wee flatulet
he releases.
Finally he lets out a real thunderous boomer.
He turns to the young waiter standing behind him
and says "look, will you please stop that!"
Boy looks at the English gentleman and says
"sure will, sir, if you'll just tell me which way it went!"
high class restaurant in Dublin.
Husband keeps letting out loud farts, wife looking
more and more daggers at him with each wee flatulet
he releases.
Finally he lets out a real thunderous boomer.
He turns to the young waiter standing behind him
and says "look, will you please stop that!"
Boy looks at the English gentleman and says
"sure will, sir, if you'll just tell me which way it went!"
••
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and
showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes
them to the homes where they will spend all of
eternity.
They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on
down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road,
which turns onto an even grander road paved with
diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns
to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the
rest of eternity, enjoy!
And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back
down the diamond studded boulevard, down the
platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an
avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an
unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says,
"Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester
says "Wait minute!
How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get
this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen
here, we have never had a lawyer before."
showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes
them to the homes where they will spend all of
eternity.
They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on
down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road,
which turns onto an even grander road paved with
diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns
to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the
rest of eternity, enjoy!
And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back
down the diamond studded boulevard, down the
platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an
avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an
unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says,
"Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester
says "Wait minute!
How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get
this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen
here, we have never had a lawyer before."
••
Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares his
grass to grow.
grass to grow.
••
At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked,
"On the night of July 16th last, at approximately
11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as
'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual
relations with you?"
"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best
of your knowledge, have a climax?"
the lawyer continued.
"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one
of them fancy Mitsubishis."
"On the night of July 16th last, at approximately
11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as
'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual
relations with you?"
"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best
of your knowledge, have a climax?"
the lawyer continued.
"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one
of them fancy Mitsubishis."
••
A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store.
When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks
one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer?
Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!
When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks
one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer?
Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!
••
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain
You may die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain
••••
