••
♥
A blond came running up to her husband in the
driveway as he came home from work just jumping
for joy.
He didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but
thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and
down with her.
She said, “Honey, I have some really great news for
you!”
He said, “Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!”
“I’m PREGNANT!” she yelled.
He kissed her and told her, “That’s great!
I couldn’t be happier!”
Then, she said, “Oh, honey, there’s more!”
He asked, “What do you mean, ‘more?’”
She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby,
we are going to have TWINS!”
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
She said, “Well, that was the easy part.
I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK
home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out
positive!!”
driveway as he came home from work just jumping
for joy.
He didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but
thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and
down with her.
She said, “Honey, I have some really great news for
you!”
He said, “Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!”
“I’m PREGNANT!” she yelled.
He kissed her and told her, “That’s great!
I couldn’t be happier!”
Then, she said, “Oh, honey, there’s more!”
He asked, “What do you mean, ‘more?’”
She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby,
we are going to have TWINS!”
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
She said, “Well, that was the easy part.
I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK
home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out
positive!!”
••
statistics....
50% of all men make up half the population
of the world..
statistics....
50% of all men make up half the population
of the world..
••
CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME...
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were
having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him
'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone bows their head
and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him
'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her
coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle,
"Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
SLIM
TALL
38D BREASTS
24" WAIST and
36" HIPS.
When she walks into a room, people say,
"Jesus Christ”.
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were
having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him
'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone bows their head
and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him
'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her
coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle,
"Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
SLIM
TALL
38D BREASTS
24" WAIST and
36" HIPS.
When she walks into a room, people say,
"Jesus Christ”.
••
A Texan and a Coonass are walking by a pastry shop
in Baton Rouge.
The Texan steals three croissants and puts them in
his pocket, neither seen nor heard.
He says to the coonass, "Did you see how clever I am!"
The coonass replies, "I'll show you who's clever!"
He goes up to the baker: "Please give me a croissant
and I'll do a magic trick."
The baker gives him a croissant.
The coonass takes it, eats it, and says,
"Please give me another one, sir."
The baker, curious to see the trick, gives him another
croissant.
The coonass takes it, eats it, and says,
"Please give me just one more, sir."
The baker hesitates but hands over one more
croissant.
The coonass eats the third croissant and the baker
demands, "Now where is your magic trick?"
The coonass replies, "Look in dat Texan's pocket!"
in Baton Rouge.
The Texan steals three croissants and puts them in
his pocket, neither seen nor heard.
He says to the coonass, "Did you see how clever I am!"
The coonass replies, "I'll show you who's clever!"
He goes up to the baker: "Please give me a croissant
and I'll do a magic trick."
The baker gives him a croissant.
The coonass takes it, eats it, and says,
"Please give me another one, sir."
The baker, curious to see the trick, gives him another
croissant.
The coonass takes it, eats it, and says,
"Please give me just one more, sir."
The baker hesitates but hands over one more
croissant.
The coonass eats the third croissant and the baker
demands, "Now where is your magic trick?"
The coonass replies, "Look in dat Texan's pocket!"
••
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize,
Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner...
I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize,
Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner...
••
On the street a beggar was asking for $10 to get a
cup of coffee.
A man walking by says; “
It only cost $5 for coffee!"
The beggar then explained his girlfriend also wanted
a cup.
The man looked surprised and said:Beggars’ have
girlfriends?"
The beggar replied sorrowfully:
Girlfriends make beggars."
cup of coffee.
A man walking by says; “
It only cost $5 for coffee!"
The beggar then explained his girlfriend also wanted
a cup.
The man looked surprised and said:Beggars’ have
girlfriends?"
The beggar replied sorrowfully:
Girlfriends make beggars."
••
A drunk gets on a transit bus.
The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in
his pocket for change, drives off.
As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the
sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the
back of the bus.
The bus stops at the next stop.
He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus.
Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change.
The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk
stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus.
Next stop, the same thing happens.
Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to
the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers
uncontrollably to the back.
A few stops later the drunk exits the the bus from
the front.
"Hey", shouts the bus driver...
"You didn't pay your fare yet!"
The drunk, reeling, shouts back "And I'm not going
to!..... I walked all the way!"
The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in
his pocket for change, drives off.
As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the
sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the
back of the bus.
The bus stops at the next stop.
He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus.
Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change.
The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk
stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus.
Next stop, the same thing happens.
Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to
the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers
uncontrollably to the back.
A few stops later the drunk exits the the bus from
the front.
"Hey", shouts the bus driver...
"You didn't pay your fare yet!"
The drunk, reeling, shouts back "And I'm not going
to!..... I walked all the way!"
••
Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely, Elephant.
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely, Elephant.
••
When politicians get the flu, you never know which
way they're going to vote.
Sometimes the eyes have it, and sometimes the nose.
way they're going to vote.
Sometimes the eyes have it, and sometimes the nose.
••••
