☺☺
♥
Useless knowledge:
The average elephant produces 50 pounds of dung
each day.
The average elephant produces 50 pounds of dung
each day.
☺☺
My wife, a registered nurse, once fussed over every
pain or mishap that came my way.
Recently, however, I got an indication that the
honeymoon is over.
I was about to fix the attic fan, and as I lifted myself
from theladder into the attic, I scratched my forehead
on a crossbeam.
Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands,
and I cut one hand replacing the fan belt.
On the way down the ladder, I missed the last two
rungs and turned my ankle.
When I limped into the kitchen, my wife took one
look and said, "Are those your good pants?"
pain or mishap that came my way.
Recently, however, I got an indication that the
honeymoon is over.
I was about to fix the attic fan, and as I lifted myself
from theladder into the attic, I scratched my forehead
on a crossbeam.
Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands,
and I cut one hand replacing the fan belt.
On the way down the ladder, I missed the last two
rungs and turned my ankle.
When I limped into the kitchen, my wife took one
look and said, "Are those your good pants?"
☺☺
Answering Machine Message 72.....
Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and
Delicatessen.
You stab 'em and we slab 'em.
We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays.
We are currently unable to come to the phone,
but if you leave your number and address at the
tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as
possible...
Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and
Delicatessen.
You stab 'em and we slab 'em.
We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays.
We are currently unable to come to the phone,
but if you leave your number and address at the
tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as
possible...
☺☺
There was mother unicorn and she had 3 baby
unicorns.
The first baby unicorn came and said "Mommy, why
did you name me Daisy?"
The mother replied "Because the day you were born,
a daisy fell right on your forehead."
She said "Ah that's sweet."
She kissed her on the cheek and left.
The next baby unicorn comes in and she said
"Mommy, why did you name Rose?"
The mother replied "Because the day you were born,
a rose fell right on your forehead."
She said "Ah thats sweet."
She kissed her on the forehead and walked away.
Then the third baby unicorn comes in and she was
like "DERREDUBUDUBJEHDK" and the mom said
"SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!"
unicorns.
The first baby unicorn came and said "Mommy, why
did you name me Daisy?"
The mother replied "Because the day you were born,
a daisy fell right on your forehead."
She said "Ah that's sweet."
She kissed her on the cheek and left.
The next baby unicorn comes in and she said
"Mommy, why did you name Rose?"
The mother replied "Because the day you were born,
a rose fell right on your forehead."
She said "Ah thats sweet."
She kissed her on the forehead and walked away.
Then the third baby unicorn comes in and she was
like "DERREDUBUDUBJEHDK" and the mom said
"SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!"
☺☺
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway
is usually a poor judge of distance.
is usually a poor judge of distance.
☺☺
A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row
boat rowing towards California.
The Captain gets on the loud- hailer and shouts,
"Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up,
and shouts, "We are invading the United States of
America! to reclaim the territory taken by the USA
during the 1800's."
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in
laughter.
When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath,
he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks,
"Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts,
"No, we're the last four.... The rest are already there!"
A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row
boat rowing towards California.
The Captain gets on the loud- hailer and shouts,
"Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up,
and shouts, "We are invading the United States of
America! to reclaim the territory taken by the USA
during the 1800's."
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in
laughter.
When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath,
he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks,
"Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts,
"No, we're the last four.... The rest are already there!"
☺☺
I was on my way out of the house to meet with a
cantankerous client, and I was dreading it.
The look on my face must have given me away
because my five-year-old daughter asked what was
wrong.
"I'm going to meet a mean woman who always yells
at Daddy," I told her.
"Oh," she said. "Say hi to Mom."
cantankerous client, and I was dreading it.
The look on my face must have given me away
because my five-year-old daughter asked what was
wrong.
"I'm going to meet a mean woman who always yells
at Daddy," I told her.
"Oh," she said. "Say hi to Mom."
☺☺
One of the most striking differences between a cat
and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
☺☺☺☺
