••••••
•••
♥
I dropped into a computer-dating center and registered
my qualifications.
I said I wanted someone who enjoyed water sports,
liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.
The computer operated faultlessly.
It sent me a penguin......
my qualifications.
I said I wanted someone who enjoyed water sports,
liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.
The computer operated faultlessly.
It sent me a penguin......
••
Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said
to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio."
"Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.
"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three
days old."
"Right again. But how'd you....."
"And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."
"Well, yes, but how did you know?" asked the second man
in amazement.
"Well, old Doc always cut them at a sixty-degree angle,"
explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."
to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio."
"Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.
"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three
days old."
"Right again. But how'd you....."
"And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."
"Well, yes, but how did you know?" asked the second man
in amazement.
"Well, old Doc always cut them at a sixty-degree angle,"
explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."
••
I have a girlfriend......
The only thing I dont like about her is that she's super
materialistic... So we go out on this date the other night.
The first thing she says to me -- no kiss hello, no nothing --
she just goes, Well, I wanna see how much money you can
spend in a night, mister.
So, I took her to a strip club.
The only thing I dont like about her is that she's super
materialistic... So we go out on this date the other night.
The first thing she says to me -- no kiss hello, no nothing --
she just goes, Well, I wanna see how much money you can
spend in a night, mister.
So, I took her to a strip club.
••
Yo Mamma is so fat she fell in love and broke it!
••
Tony had gathered a lot of cash from trick-or-treating,
so he headed for candy store to buy some goodies.
"You should donate that money to charity," said the sales
girl.
Tony thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the
chocolate.
You give the money to charity."
so he headed for candy store to buy some goodies.
"You should donate that money to charity," said the sales
girl.
Tony thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the
chocolate.
You give the money to charity."
••
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on
a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking
about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
(I can dig it...)
a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking
about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
(I can dig it...)
••
Todd was arrested AGAIN and the detective was
leafing through his crime history folder.
"Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run,
disorderly conduct, armed robbery, sexual assault,
sexual assault, forgery, sexual assault, manslaughter..."
"Yeah, I know," said Todd. "It took me quite a
while to figure out what I was good at."
leafing through his crime history folder.
"Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run,
disorderly conduct, armed robbery, sexual assault,
sexual assault, forgery, sexual assault, manslaughter..."
"Yeah, I know," said Todd. "It took me quite a
while to figure out what I was good at."
••
In Los Angeles a police officer asked a stopped motorist
how he happened to hit a pedestrian in the crosswalk.
"I didn't even touch him," explained the driver.
"I saw him in the crosswalk, came to a complete stop,
and motioned for him to cross.
That's when he fainted."
how he happened to hit a pedestrian in the crosswalk.
"I didn't even touch him," explained the driver.
"I saw him in the crosswalk, came to a complete stop,
and motioned for him to cross.
That's when he fainted."
••
