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♥
Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon...
and follow them up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."
and follow them up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."
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Never dance naked because the body has parts that do not
stop moving when the music stops.
stop moving when the music stops.
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Paddy and Murphy stumble out of a pub at about
4:00 in the morning.
They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it
when along comes a policeman.
Paddy pipes up, "A'scuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could
you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet."
The policeman replies, "Of course it has.
It's four o'clock in the mornin."
Murphy then weighs in and says, "Sorry, sir, but I be
wonderin' if the last bus to Galway has left yet."
The officer again replies, "Of course it has!
It's four o'clock in the bleedin' mornin'!"
Paddy then starts up again and asks, "Could you tell me
please, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet?"
The policeman is really irritated now so he shouts,
"It's four in the bloody morning and all the fookin' buses
have gone!"
And with that Paddy turns to his friend and says.......
"Okay, Murphy, we can cross the road now."
4:00 in the morning.
They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it
when along comes a policeman.
Paddy pipes up, "A'scuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could
you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet."
The policeman replies, "Of course it has.
It's four o'clock in the mornin."
Murphy then weighs in and says, "Sorry, sir, but I be
wonderin' if the last bus to Galway has left yet."
The officer again replies, "Of course it has!
It's four o'clock in the bleedin' mornin'!"
Paddy then starts up again and asks, "Could you tell me
please, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet?"
The policeman is really irritated now so he shouts,
"It's four in the bloody morning and all the fookin' buses
have gone!"
And with that Paddy turns to his friend and says.......
"Okay, Murphy, we can cross the road now."
••
A guy wakes up in a hospital.....
The doctor says to him " Mr. Smith we have some good
news and some bad news"
"Give me the good news" the guy asks
"Well Mr Smith you have been in a coma , but I am
delighted to tell you that you will make a 100% recovery"
"Whats the bad news then"....
"You're 99 years old"
A guy wakes up in a hospital.....
The doctor says to him " Mr. Smith we have some good
news and some bad news"
"Give me the good news" the guy asks
"Well Mr Smith you have been in a coma , but I am
delighted to tell you that you will make a 100% recovery"
"Whats the bad news then"....
"You're 99 years old"
••
What does the starship enterprise and tiolet paper have
in common?
They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons...
in common?
They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons...
••
Ted was nothing if not lazy.
He never did a lick of work in all his life.
One day he saw May, his wife, carrying a heavy basket of
laundry up the basement stairs.
"May," he shouted, "this has GOT to stop!
For years now, you've been carrying the clothing up the
stairs in that big heavy basket...... ENOUGH!"
May smiled. "Why, thank you, Ted."
"You're welcome.
I want you right now to go into town and get yourself
a smaller basket and make two trips from here on out."
He never did a lick of work in all his life.
One day he saw May, his wife, carrying a heavy basket of
laundry up the basement stairs.
"May," he shouted, "this has GOT to stop!
For years now, you've been carrying the clothing up the
stairs in that big heavy basket...... ENOUGH!"
May smiled. "Why, thank you, Ted."
"You're welcome.
I want you right now to go into town and get yourself
a smaller basket and make two trips from here on out."
••
Husband: "But you're supposed to love me no matter what."
Wife: "You must have me confused with Jesus."
Wife: "You must have me confused with Jesus."
••
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps,
stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's
side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like
claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the
way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from
laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more
distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears
by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and
said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps,
stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's
side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like
claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the
way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from
laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more
distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears
by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and
said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
