Breakfast sandwich??
••••••
•••
♥
I saw a woman trying to park her car in the Walmart
parking lot today.
After a few minutes I went over and said, "Would you
like me to do that for you?"
"No thanks," she replied.
"Are you sure?" I asked, as I walked out with my shopping
45 minutes later.....
parking lot today.
After a few minutes I went over and said, "Would you
like me to do that for you?"
"No thanks," she replied.
"Are you sure?" I asked, as I walked out with my shopping
45 minutes later.....
••
I went to see the Blue Angels today.
There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds
watched on in amazement.
Near miss after near miss had some people covering their
eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment,
but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car
and we made our way to the air show.
There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds
watched on in amazement.
Near miss after near miss had some people covering their
eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment,
but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car
and we made our way to the air show.
••
What is the difference between a taxidermist and a
tax collector?
The taxidermist takes only your skin.
tax collector?
The taxidermist takes only your skin.
••
I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker.
You gotta try this.
It freaks them out.
They get all insecure.
The guys like, Wait a second, can I help you?
I was like, Can I help you, man?
I, too, am a referee.
Maybe we could work it out together.
And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and Ill be
like, Do I look like I work here, chief?
You gotta try this.
It freaks them out.
They get all insecure.
The guys like, Wait a second, can I help you?
I was like, Can I help you, man?
I, too, am a referee.
Maybe we could work it out together.
And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and Ill be
like, Do I look like I work here, chief?
••
Had my first gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's
home last night.
They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed
themselves.
home last night.
They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed
themselves.
••
I'm thinking about writing a childrens book about a bird
that delivers messages taped to his leg no matter what
the weather or how long the flight.
I'm going to name it "The little pigeon that cooed".
that delivers messages taped to his leg no matter what
the weather or how long the flight.
I'm going to name it "The little pigeon that cooed".
••
I was reading about this new diet where youre not allowed
to drink alcohol.
Well, I read the first sentence at least.
to drink alcohol.
Well, I read the first sentence at least.
••
Rejected Hallmark Greetings.....
* My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry
* You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
* Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
* Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me..
* My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry
* You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
* Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
* Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me..
••
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops..
