Nice Rainy weekend coming...
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♥
A beautiful woman moved in next door.
So I went over and returned a cup of sugar.
She said, "You didn't borrow this."
"I will.", I replied.
So I went over and returned a cup of sugar.
She said, "You didn't borrow this."
"I will.", I replied.
••
On a snowy winter, a substitute bus driver radioed the
transportation office advising that she was having
transportation office advising that she was having
trouble getting out of a driveway.
I suggested that she move the students to the back,
assuming that the added weight on the rear tires would
provide the traction she needed.
Later, she stopped by my office.
"Thanks so much for the advice," she said.
"It never would have dawned on me to have the
I suggested that she move the students to the back,
assuming that the added weight on the rear tires would
provide the traction she needed.
Later, she stopped by my office.
"Thanks so much for the advice," she said.
"It never would have dawned on me to have the
students get out and push the bus."
••
Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?
Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much
skin off.
Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much
skin off.
••
My girlfriend came in today with a sad look on her face:
"I can tell I'm putting on weight" she sighed, "will it change
anything between us?"
"Don't be daft, you'll always look the same size to me"
I said.
"Ahh babe" she gushed, "do you really mean that?"
"Of course" I said, "the bigger you get, the further away
I'll be."
"I can tell I'm putting on weight" she sighed, "will it change
anything between us?"
"Don't be daft, you'll always look the same size to me"
I said.
"Ahh babe" she gushed, "do you really mean that?"
"Of course" I said, "the bigger you get, the further away
I'll be."
••
A collection of insults!
• If you were a swine, you would be what
• If you were a swine, you would be what
you are now!
• You say that you are always bright and early.
Well, OK!! We know you are early.
• A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and
• You say that you are always bright and early.
Well, OK!! We know you are early.
• A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and
you held on to it.
You're nobody's fool.
• Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.
• They say no woman ever made a fool out of you.
So who did?
• You're very smart.
You have brains you never used.
• You're not yourself today.
I noticed the improvement immediately.
• Nice to see you on your feet.
Who sent the derrick?
• You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that
what you tell me are lies!
• You have a good weapon against muggers --
You're nobody's fool.
• Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.
• They say no woman ever made a fool out of you.
So who did?
• You're very smart.
You have brains you never used.
• You're not yourself today.
I noticed the improvement immediately.
• Nice to see you on your feet.
Who sent the derrick?
• You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that
what you tell me are lies!
• You have a good weapon against muggers --
your face!
• You are the answer to my prayer!!
I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!
• You are the answer to my prayer!!
I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!
••
I may be Schizophrenic, but at least
I may be Schizophrenic, but at least
I have each other....
••
Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry,
but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with
an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your
head spin."
They all turn to look at the helpless young,
white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then
responds: "I think I might be gay..."
but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with
an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your
head spin."
They all turn to look at the helpless young,
white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then
responds: "I think I might be gay..."
••
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet,
so he gave me pep pills.
Know what happened?......... I ate faster.
••
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet,
so he gave me pep pills.
Know what happened?......... I ate faster.
••
A beautiful woman moved in next door.
So I went over and returned a cup of sugar.
She said, "You didn't borrow this."
"I will.", I replied.
So I went over and returned a cup of sugar.
She said, "You didn't borrow this."
"I will.", I replied.
sa On a snowy winter, a substitute bus driver radioed the
transportation office advising that she was having trouble
getting out of a driveway.
I suggested that she move the students to the back,
assuming that the added weight on the rear tires would
provide the traction she needed.
Later, she stopped by my office.
"Thanks so much for the advice," she said.
"It never would have dawned on me to have the students
get out and push the bus."
transportation office advising that she was having trouble
getting out of a driveway.
I suggested that she move the students to the back,
assuming that the added weight on the rear tires would
provide the traction she needed.
Later, she stopped by my office.
"Thanks so much for the advice," she said.
"It never would have dawned on me to have the students
get out and push the bus."
Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?
Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much
skin off.
Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much
skin off.
My girlfriend came in today with a sad look on her face:
"I can tell I'm putting on weight" she sighed, "will it change
anything between us?"
"Don't be daft, you'll always look the same size to me"
I said.
"Ahh babe" she gushed, "do you really mean that?"
"Of course" I said, "the bigger you get, the further away
I'll be."
"I can tell I'm putting on weight" she sighed, "will it change
anything between us?"
"Don't be daft, you'll always look the same size to me"
I said.
"Ahh babe" she gushed, "do you really mean that?"
"Of course" I said, "the bigger you get, the further away
I'll be."
A collection of insults!
If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!
You say that you are always bright and early.
Well, OK!! We know you are early.
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on
to it.
You're nobody's fool.
Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.
They say no woman ever made a fool out of you.
So who did?
You're very smart.
You have brains you never used.
You're not yourself today.
I noticed the improvement immediately.
Nice to see you on your feet.
Who sent the derrick?
You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that
what you tell me are lies!
You have a good weapon against muggers -- your face!
You are the answer to my prayer!!
I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!
I may be Schizophrenic, but at least I have each other....
If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!
You say that you are always bright and early.
Well, OK!! We know you are early.
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on
to it.
You're nobody's fool.
Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.
They say no woman ever made a fool out of you.
So who did?
You're very smart.
You have brains you never used.
You're not yourself today.
I noticed the improvement immediately.
Nice to see you on your feet.
Who sent the derrick?
You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that
what you tell me are lies!
You have a good weapon against muggers -- your face!
You are the answer to my prayer!!
I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!
I may be Schizophrenic, but at least I have each other....
Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry,
but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with
an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your
head spin."
They all turn to look at the helpless young,
white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then
responds: "I think I might be gay..."
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet,
so he gave me pep pills.
Know what happened?......... I ate faster.
but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with
an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your
head spin."
They all turn to look at the helpless young,
white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then
responds: "I think I might be gay..."
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet,
so he gave me pep pills.
Know what happened?......... I ate faster.
••
