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A man was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading,
when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing
through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn.
He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair.
"My goodness" he exclaimed, "you are quite old to be
driving!"
"Yes" she replied," I am old enough that I don't need a
license anymore.
The last time I went to my doctor he examined me,
and asked if I had a drivers license.
I told him yes and handed it to him.
He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into
pieces and threw them in the wastebasket."
"You won't be needing this anymore," he said.
"So I thanked him and left...
when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing
through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn.
He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair.
"My goodness" he exclaimed, "you are quite old to be
driving!"
"Yes" she replied," I am old enough that I don't need a
license anymore.
The last time I went to my doctor he examined me,
and asked if I had a drivers license.
I told him yes and handed it to him.
He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into
pieces and threw them in the wastebasket."
"You won't be needing this anymore," he said.
"So I thanked him and left...
••
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double
negative is still a negative."
"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein
a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double
negative is still a negative."
"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein
a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
••
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse
kicks aren't the best way to kick someone.
This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake
anyone has ever made......
kicks aren't the best way to kick someone.
This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake
anyone has ever made......
••
Signs that indicate you should start looking for a new
lawyer:
# He tells you that his last good case was a Stroh's beer.
# When the prosecutors notice who your lawyer is,
they hug each other.
# He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
# He claims that he has never told a lie.
# You find a prison guard shaving your head.....
lawyer:
# He tells you that his last good case was a Stroh's beer.
# When the prosecutors notice who your lawyer is,
they hug each other.
# He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
# He claims that he has never told a lie.
# You find a prison guard shaving your head.....
••
10 Reasons You Smoke Too Much......
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for
a "cigarette break"
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General:
"Captain Bring-down"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours,
take nap.....
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying,
"Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you
were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung...
10 Reasons You Smoke Too Much......
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for
a "cigarette break"
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General:
"Captain Bring-down"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours,
take nap.....
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying,
"Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you
were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung...
••
I've been chatting with a beautiful girl called Lucy on the
internet lately.
Last week she told me to come and meet her in a secluded
car park for filthy, no-strings sex.
When I got there I was jumped by four Eastern European
men who beat me with a baseball bat, stole my car and my
wallet.
Ever since I got out of hospital, I've been trying to get hold
of Lucy, but she isn't answering any of my e-mails or
instant messages.
I'm starting to worry that the same gang must have beaten
her up, too.
I've been chatting with a beautiful girl called Lucy on the
internet lately.
Last week she told me to come and meet her in a secluded
car park for filthy, no-strings sex.
When I got there I was jumped by four Eastern European
men who beat me with a baseball bat, stole my car and my
wallet.
Ever since I got out of hospital, I've been trying to get hold
of Lucy, but she isn't answering any of my e-mails or
instant messages.
I'm starting to worry that the same gang must have beaten
her up, too.
••
I don't care about the museum, I only care that people
think I'm the kind of guy who goes to museums.
think I'm the kind of guy who goes to museums.
••
So, how bout those olympics?
I finally found a sport to watch that I like.
Watched the olympic women's beach volley ball
competition.
There was a serious injury, a sprained wrist.
But I shouldbe ok by tomorrow.
I finally found a sport to watch that I like.
Watched the olympic women's beach volley ball
competition.
There was a serious injury, a sprained wrist.
But I shouldbe ok by tomorrow.
••
I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when
she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.
"That's total crap" I replied, By text, from across the street.
she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.
"That's total crap" I replied, By text, from across the street.
••
This analogy makes perfect sense!
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is
BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers
is GOLF.
THE INEVITABLE CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your fixation on balls become.
Therefore, one might conclude, there must be a ton of
people in Washington obsessed with playing marbles!
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is
BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers
is GOLF.
THE INEVITABLE CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your fixation on balls become.
Therefore, one might conclude, there must be a ton of
people in Washington obsessed with playing marbles!
••
