••
••••••
••
♥
I think if youre gonna get a tattoo, just get one:
the words, Im dumb.
Thats it.
That way in 10 years, when you go, Why did I get this?,
you can be like, Oh, I'm dumb!
the words, Im dumb.
Thats it.
That way in 10 years, when you go, Why did I get this?,
you can be like, Oh, I'm dumb!
••
Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.
••
I meet a lot of strippers, and they always say the same thing:
Im paying my way through medical school.
Now, if thats the truth, why is that you never meet a doctor
that used to be a stripper?
You'd think theyd be everywhere.
Im paying my way through medical school.
Now, if thats the truth, why is that you never meet a doctor
that used to be a stripper?
You'd think theyd be everywhere.
••
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on
the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy.
"We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about
their sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded.
"I'm shocked.
When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"
the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy.
"We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about
their sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded.
"I'm shocked.
When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"
••
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris,
but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris
and lives.
but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris
and lives.
••
Gus was talking to his friend Pete about his legal problems.
Gus says, "I have a feeling that my lawyer is too concerned
about making money."
Pete asks, "What makes you say that?"
Gus replies, "One of the items in his bill says:
'For waking up in the middle of the night and thinking
about your case: $50'."
Gus says, "I have a feeling that my lawyer is too concerned
about making money."
Pete asks, "What makes you say that?"
Gus replies, "One of the items in his bill says:
'For waking up in the middle of the night and thinking
about your case: $50'."
••
A blond goes to the vet with her goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blond says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
"I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blond says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
••
Ireland's indigenous people were the Leprechauns...
and they died out, tragically, owing to the fact that they
were all male and that they never existed in the first place.
Nothing will kill a race off quicker than never actually
having existed.
Ireland's indigenous people were the Leprechauns...
and they died out, tragically, owing to the fact that they
were all male and that they never existed in the first place.
Nothing will kill a race off quicker than never actually
having existed.
••
One woman was talking to her friend, "You
should listen to my neighbor," she says.
"She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband
behind his back.
I think that's so rude.
Look at me! My husbandis fat, lazy and cheap but
have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?"
should listen to my neighbor," she says.
"She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband
behind his back.
I think that's so rude.
Look at me! My husbandis fat, lazy and cheap but
have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?"
••
Why do they call it the restroom?
Is there anybody just resting in this room?
Is there anybody just resting in this room?
••
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady
and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the
posters showing the glamorous destinations around the
world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple
looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said: 'I know that on your
pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am
sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I
won't take no for an answer.'
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two
flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came into his shop.
'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said.
'I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'
and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the
posters showing the glamorous destinations around the
world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple
looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said: 'I know that on your
pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am
sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I
won't take no for an answer.'
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two
flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came into his shop.
'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said.
'I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'
••
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the
world, I suddenly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass.
world, I suddenly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass.
