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♥
Pilot to airline passengers: "Ladies and gentlemen,
I have some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is that we have a hijacker on board.
The good news is he wants to go to the French Riviera."
I have some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is that we have a hijacker on board.
The good news is he wants to go to the French Riviera."
••
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people
using sign language.
He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language
to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how
he had learned to use sign language.
The bartender explained that these were regular customers
and had taught him to speak in sign.
The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the
group were waving their hands around very wildly.
The bartender looked over and signed
"Now cut that out!.... I warned you!" and threw the group
out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender
said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times -
NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"
using sign language.
He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language
to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how
he had learned to use sign language.
The bartender explained that these were regular customers
and had taught him to speak in sign.
The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the
group were waving their hands around very wildly.
The bartender looked over and signed
"Now cut that out!.... I warned you!" and threw the group
out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender
said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times -
NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"
••
Imagine, in a closed room, how can you escape if it
caught fire?
Simple, stop imagining.
caught fire?
Simple, stop imagining.
••
Son got married....
Early on, he let her know who was boss.
He took her by the shoulders, looked into her eyes,
and said "You're the boss."
Early on, he let her know who was boss.
He took her by the shoulders, looked into her eyes,
and said "You're the boss."
••
A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with
their pets on the bed.
I tried it once, damn goldfish died...
their pets on the bed.
I tried it once, damn goldfish died...
••
A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife
to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Julie?
A Jaguar?
A sable coat?
A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Julie?
A Jaguar?
A sable coat?
A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
••
I always get interrupted whenever I'm playing the Air Harp
in public by people asking why I've summoned them over.
in public by people asking why I've summoned them over.
••
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless
Chuck Norris has been there.
In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and
tears.
Chuck Norris has been there.
In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and
tears.
••
My wife and I are foster parents.
Last summer, we had five-year-old Jesse with us.
One day he and my daughter, Grace, came to me with an
acorn.
I told them an oak tree would grow if they planted it in the
ground.
They dug a hole a few inches deep and covered it up.
To make sure I didn't mow the tree down, they made a
sign that said, "Don't cut grass here.... Acorn in ground."
The next week, Jesse and I noticed the sign was down.
We went over to investigate and saw that the acorn was
gone.
I said, "A chipmunk has dug it up."
Jesse thought for a moment, then replied,
"Next time, we won't leave a sign."
Last summer, we had five-year-old Jesse with us.
One day he and my daughter, Grace, came to me with an
acorn.
I told them an oak tree would grow if they planted it in the
ground.
They dug a hole a few inches deep and covered it up.
To make sure I didn't mow the tree down, they made a
sign that said, "Don't cut grass here.... Acorn in ground."
The next week, Jesse and I noticed the sign was down.
We went over to investigate and saw that the acorn was
gone.
I said, "A chipmunk has dug it up."
Jesse thought for a moment, then replied,
"Next time, we won't leave a sign."
••
DO YOU NEED CHEERING UP ?
Well, here's a great idea!
Watch your wedding video backwards.
The night starts with you getting a root ...
Then you have a great time, good food & drink and sober
up without a hangover ...
You'll love the end bit where you take the ring off, go back
down the aisle, jump in the car & off with your mates.
••••
Well, here's a great idea!
Watch your wedding video backwards.
The night starts with you getting a root ...
Then you have a great time, good food & drink and sober
up without a hangover ...
You'll love the end bit where you take the ring off, go back
down the aisle, jump in the car & off with your mates.
••••
