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You might be a redneck if...
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door
to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door
to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
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What I don't understand is when people write letters to
magazines to say how much they agreed with a particular
review or how much they enjoyed a particular article,
you know what I mean?...
You might as well write a letter to your grocery store.
Dear grocery store: thanks for putting your eggs in a carton.
It makes them a lot easier to get them home.
magazines to say how much they agreed with a particular
review or how much they enjoyed a particular article,
you know what I mean?...
You might as well write a letter to your grocery store.
Dear grocery store: thanks for putting your eggs in a carton.
It makes them a lot easier to get them home.
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My colleague Patrick is not a morning person.
His habit of getting up late in the mornings and arriving
late at work would always land him in trouble at the office.
Our boss, Mr. Jenkins was getting increasingly mad at him
and after reprimanding him, threatened to demote him if
he didn't do something about it.
So Patrick visited his doctor for advice.
The doc gave him a pill and told him to take it before he
went to bed.
Patrick slept well, and in fact beat the
His habit of getting up late in the mornings and arriving
late at work would always land him in trouble at the office.
Our boss, Mr. Jenkins was getting increasingly mad at him
and after reprimanding him, threatened to demote him if
he didn't do something about it.
So Patrick visited his doctor for advice.
The doc gave him a pill and told him to take it before he
went to bed.
Patrick slept well, and in fact beat the
alarm in the morning.
He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.
"Boss", he said, "I went to the doctor and he gave me a
medicine that actually worked!"
"That's all right" said Mr. Jenkins,
"But where the hell were you yesterday?"
"Boss", he said, "I went to the doctor and he gave me a
medicine that actually worked!"
"That's all right" said Mr. Jenkins,
"But where the hell were you yesterday?"
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I like my coffee like I like my women --
sent back for not being hot enough.
sent back for not being hot enough.
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10 Things You Never Hear in Church
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went
25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than
golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I
used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior
High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary.
Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the
Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment
like our annual stewardship campaign!
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went
25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than
golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I
used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior
High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary.
Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the
Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment
like our annual stewardship campaign!
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I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it
wouldn't let me in.
I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the
password on the PC?"
"Yes honey."
"What is it?"
"It's the date of our anniversary."
Damn.....
wouldn't let me in.
I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the
password on the PC?"
"Yes honey."
"What is it?"
"It's the date of our anniversary."
Damn.....
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A woman has sued a hospital stating that after recent
treatment her husband had lost interest in sex.
The doctors replied: 'All we did was correct his eye sight'.
treatment her husband had lost interest in sex.
The doctors replied: 'All we did was correct his eye sight'.
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