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I joined a softball team, which I thought was a
great idea... but the guys on my team are crazy.
These guys show up to games -- slow pitch
softball games -- with cleats, stirrups, the Barry
Bonds arm guards on, the black crap under
their eyes.
I'm like, Fellas, the ball is this big.
If you cant see it, you probably shouldnt have
driven to the game today.
great idea... but the guys on my team are crazy.
These guys show up to games -- slow pitch
softball games -- with cleats, stirrups, the Barry
Bonds arm guards on, the black crap under
their eyes.
I'm like, Fellas, the ball is this big.
If you cant see it, you probably shouldnt have
driven to the game today.
••
The economy is so bad, if you go to a McDonald's
joint now, the counter person is most likely to
ask you, "Can you afford fries with that"?
joint now, the counter person is most likely to
ask you, "Can you afford fries with that"?
••
A man and his girlfriend were
out to dinner one night.
The waiter tells them the night's special is
chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that,"
The waiter tells them the night's special is
chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that,"
the woman says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.
••
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to
go hand in hand these days.
I wasn't surprised when one of my daughter's
friends showed me a delicate little Japanese
symbol on her hip.
"Please don't tell my parents," she begged.
"I won't" I promised.
"By the way, what does that stand for?"
"Honesty," she said.
go hand in hand these days.
I wasn't surprised when one of my daughter's
friends showed me a delicate little Japanese
symbol on her hip.
"Please don't tell my parents," she begged.
"I won't" I promised.
"By the way, what does that stand for?"
"Honesty," she said.
••
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped
and fell flat on my face.
As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car
and called out, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern.
"Oh, good," she continued.
"So will you be vacating your parking space now?"
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped
and fell flat on my face.
As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car
and called out, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern.
"Oh, good," she continued.
"So will you be vacating your parking space now?"
••
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde
wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding
anniversary.
So he decided to buy her a mobile phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all
of its features.
Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply
adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping.
Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was
her husband on the other end.
"Hi Susie, " he said, "how do you like your new
phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it!
It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell,
but there’s one thing I don’t understand though."
"What’s that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was in Macy's?"
wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding
anniversary.
So he decided to buy her a mobile phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all
of its features.
Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply
adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping.
Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was
her husband on the other end.
"Hi Susie, " he said, "how do you like your new
phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it!
It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell,
but there’s one thing I don’t understand though."
"What’s that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was in Macy's?"
••
There were some tense moments yesterday during President
Obama's visit to Los Angeles.
Three private planes drifted into his restricted air space.
And as you know, the president's restricted air space can be
penetrated only by people donating more than $35,000.
Obama's visit to Los Angeles.
Three private planes drifted into his restricted air space.
And as you know, the president's restricted air space can be
penetrated only by people donating more than $35,000.
••
An efficient commuter uses his morning ride to
plan the day's tasks and his evening ride to
figure out why he didn't get them done.
plan the day's tasks and his evening ride to
figure out why he didn't get them done.
••
A very proper man started going into the
neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2
dozen boxes of condoms.
Week after week, he would come in with the same
order.
One day, the druggist felt he had to say something
to the man.
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull.
Talk about getting lucky!
How on earth do you use that many condoms a
week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said,
"I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of
sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with
all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my
poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."
neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2
dozen boxes of condoms.
Week after week, he would come in with the same
order.
One day, the druggist felt he had to say something
to the man.
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull.
Talk about getting lucky!
How on earth do you use that many condoms a
week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said,
"I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of
sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with
all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my
poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."
••
