Lots of storms and rain yesterday...
But we can use it....
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In an event celebrating her 25th anniversary of
being elected to Congress, Nancy Pelosi revealed
that the ghost of past feminist leaders spoke to
her at her first White House meeting as speaker.
In a related story, doctors now say,
"Yes, Botox can cause hallucinations."
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As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store
recently, the saleswoman let me know that the
store was having a 20 percent off sale.
"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought
her something." she suggested.
"I don't have a girlfriend," I answered.
"No girlfriend? Why not?"
"My wife won't let me."
recently, the saleswoman let me know that the
store was having a 20 percent off sale.
"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought
her something." she suggested.
"I don't have a girlfriend," I answered.
"No girlfriend? Why not?"
"My wife won't let me."
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Why did the lion not eat the gorilla's feet?
He was black-toes intolerant.
He was black-toes intolerant.
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We were driving in my friend Larry's new car.
I asked him about its features.
He listed the usual, then added, "It tells me to
slow down as I approach the speed limit.
It warns me when I have to stop.
It points out solid no-passing lines."
I expressed my amazement.
"But," he explained, "these features work only
when my wife is in the car."
I asked him about its features.
He listed the usual, then added, "It tells me to
slow down as I approach the speed limit.
It warns me when I have to stop.
It points out solid no-passing lines."
I expressed my amazement.
"But," he explained, "these features work only
when my wife is in the car."
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My grandmother stopped by today, I asked her
why her knees were so swollen and she replied
she was going braless!!!
why her knees were so swollen and she replied
she was going braless!!!
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I was at the store late the other night and was
the last customer.
The cute girl at the register firmly said,
“Strip down, facing me”.
I didn't realize that she was talking about
swiping my debit card.
The good news is, my bail is not nearly as
expensive as I thought it would be.
the last customer.
The cute girl at the register firmly said,
“Strip down, facing me”.
I didn't realize that she was talking about
swiping my debit card.
The good news is, my bail is not nearly as
expensive as I thought it would be.
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There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an
old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.
''Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?'' a tourist
asked.
The old man looked up over his newspaper and
replied, ''Nope.''
As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the
dog began snarling and growling, and then
attacked both his arms and legs.
As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled,
''I thought you said your dog didn't bite!''
The old man muttered, ''Ain't my dog.''
old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.
''Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?'' a tourist
asked.
The old man looked up over his newspaper and
replied, ''Nope.''
As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the
dog began snarling and growling, and then
attacked both his arms and legs.
As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled,
''I thought you said your dog didn't bite!''
The old man muttered, ''Ain't my dog.''
••
I tried to cross a cow with a marsupial,
but everyone said it was a possum-bull.
but everyone said it was a possum-bull.
••
Gus was practicing the piano when he heard sirens
outside, followed by a heavy pounding on his front
door.
When he opened it, he was surprised to see three
police officers with their guns drawn.
"Where's the body?" asked the anxious cop in
charge.
"What body?" asked Gus.
"Don't act so innoncent with me," said the cop.
"We got a tip that somebody was murdering
Beethoven in this house!"
outside, followed by a heavy pounding on his front
door.
When he opened it, he was surprised to see three
police officers with their guns drawn.
"Where's the body?" asked the anxious cop in
charge.
"What body?" asked Gus.
"Don't act so innoncent with me," said the cop.
"We got a tip that somebody was murdering
Beethoven in this house!"
••
Lindsay Lohan is OK after she totaled her
rented Porsche.
People who witnessed the accident were stunned.
They couldn't believe Lindsay Lohan still has a
driver's license.
Authorities said today they've ordered a
psychiatric evaluation. Not for Lindsay — for
the idiot who rented her a Porsche.
rented Porsche.
People who witnessed the accident were stunned.
They couldn't believe Lindsay Lohan still has a
driver's license.
Authorities said today they've ordered a
psychiatric evaluation. Not for Lindsay — for
the idiot who rented her a Porsche.
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I was out last Sunday -- I didnt see any signs,
nobody to ask, so I lit a cigarette.
This woman lost all control of her bodily
functions.
Put it out, please, put it out.
I turned around -- she was three pews away!
nobody to ask, so I lit a cigarette.
This woman lost all control of her bodily
functions.
Put it out, please, put it out.
I turned around -- she was three pews away!
••
A new study claims that coffee drinkers live
longer than people who don't drink coffee.
Of course, they spend so much time waiting in
line at Starbucks that it evens out.
longer than people who don't drink coffee.
Of course, they spend so much time waiting in
line at Starbucks that it evens out.
