Had a good weekend?
Was very nice here...
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♥
Nurse:
Your blood pressure is amazingly high.
Is your job very stressful?
Patient: Well, I work at a petting zoo.
Nurse: That seems easy enough.
Patient: I determine which animals are too
vicious to be petted.
Patient: Well, I work at a petting zoo.
Nurse: That seems easy enough.
Patient: I determine which animals are too
vicious to be petted.
••
Some years ago, my dad, an attorney, took me to
a fancy restaurant.
When the bill arrived, there was a $1.50 charge
for bread and butter.
Dad paid the bill, including the charge for bread
and butter.
However, the next day he sent a letter to the
restaurant stating that the charge was uncalled
for.
Enclosed in the same envelope was a bill for
$500 in legal services.
Someone from the restaurant called immediately
and asked,
"What is this $500 bill for?
We never ordered any legal services."
Dad replied, "I never ordered any bread and
butter.
The $1.50 was returned without delay.
a fancy restaurant.
When the bill arrived, there was a $1.50 charge
for bread and butter.
Dad paid the bill, including the charge for bread
and butter.
However, the next day he sent a letter to the
restaurant stating that the charge was uncalled
for.
Enclosed in the same envelope was a bill for
$500 in legal services.
Someone from the restaurant called immediately
and asked,
"What is this $500 bill for?
We never ordered any legal services."
Dad replied, "I never ordered any bread and
butter.
The $1.50 was returned without delay.
••
A man went to a bookstore and asked to see a
book titled, "How to Control Your Mother-in-Law."
"Our fiction department is in the rear, right side
of the aisle," the salesman said with a smile.
book titled, "How to Control Your Mother-in-Law."
"Our fiction department is in the rear, right side
of the aisle," the salesman said with a smile.
••
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for
25 cents each.
Every day a young man would leave his office
building at lunch time and, as he passed her
pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter,
but would never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years.
The two of them never spoke.
One day as the man passed the old lady's pretzel
stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel
woman spoke to him.
"Sir, I appreciate your business.
You are a good customer, but I have to tell you
that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."
25 cents each.
Every day a young man would leave his office
building at lunch time and, as he passed her
pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter,
but would never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years.
The two of them never spoke.
One day as the man passed the old lady's pretzel
stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel
woman spoke to him.
"Sir, I appreciate your business.
You are a good customer, but I have to tell you
that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."
••
A speeding troll was caught by radar from a police
helicopter in the sky.
An officer pulled him over and began to issue a
traffic ticket.
"How did you know I was speeding?" the troll
asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
"You mean," asked the troll, "that even He is
against me?"
helicopter in the sky.
An officer pulled him over and began to issue a
traffic ticket.
"How did you know I was speeding?" the troll
asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
"You mean," asked the troll, "that even He is
against me?"
••
The reason newborn babies cry is because
they know they have just entered a world with
Chuck Norris.
they know they have just entered a world with
Chuck Norris.
••
What you don't want to hear at the Tattoo parlor ;
"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
"We're all out of red, so I used pink."
"Just let me toss back another shot and we’ll get
started."
"There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"
"Anything else you want to say?
You've got plenty of room back here
"I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
"Oops...."
"I haven’t learned drawing a Grim Reaper yet,
so I did a naked chick hugging Mickey instead."
"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
"We're all out of red, so I used pink."
"Just let me toss back another shot and we’ll get
started."
"There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"
"Anything else you want to say?
You've got plenty of room back here
"I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
"Oops...."
"I haven’t learned drawing a Grim Reaper yet,
so I did a naked chick hugging Mickey instead."
••
Bad news for CNN.
They just had their lowest rating in 15 years.
Their ratings are so low that today Jesse Jackson
Their ratings are so low that today Jesse Jackson
turned themdown for an interview.
••
I always used my shampoo to wash the rest of my
body while in the shower.
It was just easier to lather up my hair and use the
extra suds on my body instead of soap.
Then I saw the words printed on my shampoo
bottle "for extra volume and fullness".
No wonder I can't lose weight!
Now I'm using my dish soap in the shower.
It's guaranteed to remove fat and other unwanted
deposits that other soaps leave behind!"
body while in the shower.
It was just easier to lather up my hair and use the
extra suds on my body instead of soap.
Then I saw the words printed on my shampoo
bottle "for extra volume and fullness".
No wonder I can't lose weight!
Now I'm using my dish soap in the shower.
It's guaranteed to remove fat and other unwanted
deposits that other soaps leave behind!"
••
