Get ready...the weekends here...
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My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars.
We were used to hearing my father proclaim, “Take it, Max,” as
he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station
wagon.
Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car when
we hit a wide-open expanse of highway.
My dad leaned back and said, “I think I’ll let Tom drive for a while.”
“Tom who?” I asked.
My mother translated for me: “Tom Cruise, of course.”
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Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.
" Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.
“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are.
They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching
everybody else work.”
“We all know that,” replied his friend.
“But why did he let you go?”
“Jealousy,” answered Pete.
“All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”
" Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.
“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are.
They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching
everybody else work.”
“We all know that,” replied his friend.
“But why did he let you go?”
“Jealousy,” answered Pete.
“All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”
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Two old friends met at the golf course.
"Hey, how's it going?" asked the first.
"Not so good," answered the second.
"My wife's divorcing me."
"Why that's terrible!" said the first..... "What happened?"
The second replied, "I made a five and half footer on the
"Hey, how's it going?" asked the first.
"Not so good," answered the second.
"My wife's divorcing me."
"Why that's terrible!" said the first..... "What happened?"
The second replied, "I made a five and half footer on the
eighteen green."
"So what's wrong with making a putt?" asked the first.
The second replied, "It wasn't a putt, It was a brunette."
"So what's wrong with making a putt?" asked the first.
The second replied, "It wasn't a putt, It was a brunette."
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I wear my wife's glasses because she wants me
to see things her way.
to see things her way.
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A man was visiting his elderly neighbor and was
given a tourof his home.
In the den was a stuffed lion.
The neighbor asked,
"When did you bag him?"
The old man said proudly, "That was three years ago,
when I wen thunting with my ex-wife & Mother-in-Law."
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the neighbor.
"My 'ex'-Mother-in-Law," replied the old man.
In the den was a stuffed lion.
The neighbor asked,
"When did you bag him?"
The old man said proudly, "That was three years ago,
when I wen thunting with my ex-wife & Mother-in-Law."
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the neighbor.
"My 'ex'-Mother-in-Law," replied the old man.
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I was in a very generous mood today, a woman says to Gus :
"I gave a poor beggar $25."
"That is a lot of money to give away!" said Gus.
"What did your husband say?"
"He said, 'Thank you'. "
"I gave a poor beggar $25."
"That is a lot of money to give away!" said Gus.
"What did your husband say?"
"He said, 'Thank you'. "
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A review of studies by physicians found that excessive exercise is
bad for your heart.
Another study says a daily serving of chocolate is actually good for
your heart.
That's got to make next year's New Year's resolution easier to keep.
"I'm going to exercise less.
Eat a little more chocolate."
bad for your heart.
Another study says a daily serving of chocolate is actually good for
your heart.
That's got to make next year's New Year's resolution easier to keep.
"I'm going to exercise less.
Eat a little more chocolate."
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Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning,
he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
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Wife: You always carry my photo in your breifcase to the office.
Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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I was discussing family resemblance with a class
of ten-year-olds.
One bright spark informed me: "My mom said that
the reason children look like their parents is
because of something in your pants."
This stumped me for a minute.
Then I caught on.
"Oh," I said. "You mean it's in your genes."
"Right," he replied quite seriously.
"It's something in your jeans."
of ten-year-olds.
One bright spark informed me: "My mom said that
the reason children look like their parents is
because of something in your pants."
This stumped me for a minute.
Then I caught on.
"Oh," I said. "You mean it's in your genes."
"Right," he replied quite seriously.
"It's something in your jeans."
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The No. 2 guy in al-Qaida has been killed.
Who says Obama isn't creating job openings?
Who says Obama isn't creating job openings?
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