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The easiest way to clean out the refrigerator is to leave several
teenaged boys all alone in the kitchen.
teenaged boys all alone in the kitchen.
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When ghosts go camping, they sit around the fire and tell
Chuck Norris stories.
Chuck Norris stories.
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Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something
'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested.
Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, Darling," mother said as they arrived at the
bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for
'Name of your former bank.'
After a slight hesitation, she put down, 'Piggy.'
'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested.
Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, Darling," mother said as they arrived at the
bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for
'Name of your former bank.'
After a slight hesitation, she put down, 'Piggy.'
••
After several years away, Barbara returned to a fitness center and
was greeted by many questions from the man at the front desk.
He asked if her phone number, address, or credit card number
had changed.
She said "no."
Finally he asked, "What about your date of birth?"
After several years away, Barbara returned to a fitness center and
was greeted by many questions from the man at the front desk.
He asked if her phone number, address, or credit card number
had changed.
She said "no."
Finally he asked, "What about your date of birth?"
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A woman went to the dry cleaners, put a pair of slacks on the
counter and asked, "Can you clean these?"
"Well, ma'am, these pants are satin," replied the clerk.
"I know that! I want you to remove whatever it was I sat in!"
counter and asked, "Can you clean these?"
"Well, ma'am, these pants are satin," replied the clerk.
"I know that! I want you to remove whatever it was I sat in!"
••
I got my Tax Return "Returned"!
I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes this year,
I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes this year,
but the IRS sent my Tax Return back!!
I guess it was because of my response to the line,
I guess it was because of my response to the line,
which said: "List All Dependents."
I replied, 12 million illegal immigrants,
I replied, 12 million illegal immigrants,
3 million crack heads, 42 million
unemployable people on food stamps,
unemployable people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons,
and 535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.
Apparently, this was NOT acceptable.
So I sent it back with a question;
"Did I forget someone?"
and 535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.
Apparently, this was NOT acceptable.
So I sent it back with a question;
"Did I forget someone?"
••
The duffus groom didn't know what to do on his wedding
night so he called his mom for advice.
Just a few minutes later the bride heres a loud crash
Just a few minutes later the bride heres a loud crash
coming from the bathroom.
She yells out, "What was that?"
The groom then replied, "My mom told me to put the hardest
thing I had into where you pee, so I dropped my bowling ball in the
toilet"
She yells out, "What was that?"
The groom then replied, "My mom told me to put the hardest
thing I had into where you pee, so I dropped my bowling ball in the
toilet"
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An elderly woman, much beloved in her community, was
asked for her formula for making and keeping friends.
"Well," she replied, "I stop and taste my words before
"Well," she replied, "I stop and taste my words before
I let them pass my teeth."
During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force pilot
was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing,
the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking,
he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various
baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot
responded,
"Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her
pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help
alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head,
was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing,
the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking,
he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various
baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot
responded,
"Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her
pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help
alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head,
and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,
"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
••
Usually I wake up grumpy.
On Sundays I let her sleep in.
On Sundays I let her sleep in.
