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Lance, the lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Vinnie, the witness: Not yet.
Vinnie, the witness: Not yet.
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Lance, the lawyer: Any suggestions as to what prevented
Lance, the lawyer: Any suggestions as to what prevented
this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
Vinnie, the witness: The victim lived.
Vinnie, the witness: The victim lived.
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Lance, the lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Vinnie, the witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Lance, the lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Vinnie, the witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
••
A blonde couple - Brenda and her husband, Joe go to their
pharmacist and begin to ask questions like if the pharmacy checks
for medications past their expiration date and the reliability of a
certain manufacturer that makes birth control pills.
After answering their queries, the pharmacist asks them what is
wrong.
Brenda explains, "I have been using birth control pills
pharmacist and begin to ask questions like if the pharmacy checks
for medications past their expiration date and the reliability of a
certain manufacturer that makes birth control pills.
After answering their queries, the pharmacist asks them what is
wrong.
Brenda explains, "I have been using birth control pills
and despite that, I continue to get pregnant."
The pharmacist is astonished and asks Brenda if she
The pharmacist is astonished and asks Brenda if she
takes the pills every day.
Brenda replies, "My husband Joe takes them every day."
"Why???" the pharmacist looks questioningly at the blonde couple.
"Oh, after we read all those possible side-effects, Joe offered
'Listen honey... I don't want you taking that stuff.. it's too
dangerous.....let ME take them.' "
Brenda replies, "My husband Joe takes them every day."
"Why???" the pharmacist looks questioningly at the blonde couple.
"Oh, after we read all those possible side-effects, Joe offered
'Listen honey... I don't want you taking that stuff.. it's too
dangerous.....let ME take them.' "
••
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license.
The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car,
where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.
Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the
newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those
months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to
drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back
of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these
years."
The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car,
where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.
Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the
newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those
months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to
drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back
of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these
years."
••
Gus was being interviewed for a new job.
The person conducting the interview wanted to find out something
about his personality, so he asked, "If you could have a
conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
Without hestitation, Gus responded, "The living one, of course!"
The person conducting the interview wanted to find out something
about his personality, so he asked, "If you could have a
conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
Without hestitation, Gus responded, "The living one, of course!"
••
The other night I ate at a real family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going.
Every table had an argument going.
••
I went to see the doctor and said, "I'm having trouble with my
drinking."
The doctor said, "What do you mean, you're drinking too much?"
I replied, "No I think I've got arthritis in my elbow."
Doc said:Try keeping your elbow off of a wet table.
drinking."
The doctor said, "What do you mean, you're drinking too much?"
I replied, "No I think I've got arthritis in my elbow."
Doc said:Try keeping your elbow off of a wet table.
••
Thanks to Obamas' miracle....
I am able to walk again...
They just repossessed my car...
I am able to walk again...
They just repossessed my car...
••
A friend and her husband were participating in a
blood drive, and as part of the pre-screening
process, an elderly volunteer was asking some
question.
"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked
my friend's husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a
new baby and tend to several other children
milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."
blood drive, and as part of the pre-screening
process, an elderly volunteer was asking some
question.
"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked
my friend's husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a
new baby and tend to several other children
milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."
••
The reason old men use Viagra is not because they're impotent.
Its because old women are so very ugly.
Its because old women are so very ugly.
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Living next door to the graveyard has negatively
impacted the value of my house.....
But I do save a fortune in flowers for the ole' lady.
But I do save a fortune in flowers for the ole' lady.
