Going to be a great Day....
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I love e-Bay, I sold my homing pigeon eight times
last month!
last month!
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A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and
she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get
them some snacks and drinks.
As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute
little vase on the mantle.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks
back in.
He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh . . . I . . ."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen
to get an ashtray."
she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get
them some snacks and drinks.
As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute
little vase on the mantle.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks
back in.
He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh . . . I . . ."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen
to get an ashtray."
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I just got one of those 'Stop Bullying' wristbands.
I stole it off a fat little ginger kid!
I stole it off a fat little ginger kid!
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A wise-guy reporter was talking to a group of old
men seated around the cracker barrel in a country
store.
"Pop", he adressed one of the geezers, "Can you
recall the name of the first girl you ever kissed?"
"Young man," the old duffer replied, "I can't even
recall the last one."
men seated around the cracker barrel in a country
store.
"Pop", he adressed one of the geezers, "Can you
recall the name of the first girl you ever kissed?"
"Young man," the old duffer replied, "I can't even
recall the last one."
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office -
I will track you down.
You have my Word.
I will track you down.
You have my Word.
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A Harley biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a
little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her
jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her,
under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage
and hits the lion square on the nose with a
powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back
letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to
her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says,
'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing
I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing,
really, the lion was behind bars.
I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I
felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't
go unnoticed.
I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have
this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political
affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a
Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to
see news of his actions, and reads, on the front
page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
That pretty much sums up the media's approach
to the news these days .....
little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her
jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her,
under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage
and hits the lion square on the nose with a
powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back
letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to
her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says,
'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing
I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing,
really, the lion was behind bars.
I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I
felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't
go unnoticed.
I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have
this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political
affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a
Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to
see news of his actions, and reads, on the front
page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
That pretty much sums up the media's approach
to the news these days .....
••
Struggling to get your lizard up in the morning?
You may have a reptile dysfunction....
You may have a reptile dysfunction....
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A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping.
It was found by an honest little boy and returned
to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm....
That's funny.
When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it.
Now there are twenty singles."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady.
The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't
have change for a reward."
It was found by an honest little boy and returned
to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm....
That's funny.
When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it.
Now there are twenty singles."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady.
The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't
have change for a reward."
••
I installed a skylight in my apartment....
The people who live above me are furious!
The people who live above me are furious!
