Good Weekend?
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I heard an older woman complain about her aches.
But her friend one-upped her: "I woke up this
morning and thought I was dead because nothing
hurt."
But her friend one-upped her: "I woke up this
morning and thought I was dead because nothing
hurt."
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There was once a noble who was famous for his
extensive personal library.
He was asked by a guest if he ever lent his books.
The noble replied, "People who lend books are
fools."
He then pointed to his vast collection and said,
"These were all once owned by fools."
extensive personal library.
He was asked by a guest if he ever lent his books.
The noble replied, "People who lend books are
fools."
He then pointed to his vast collection and said,
"These were all once owned by fools."
••
A flat-chested woman was delighted when her
fairy-god mother said her Assets would increase
in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally
bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me."
Her Assets instantly grew an inch and she was
ecstatic.
The next day, she bumped into a man in the
grocery store, he begged her pardon and another
inch was added to her Assets.
She was in seventh heaven!
She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided
with a waiter who bowed and said,
"A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper
says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"
fairy-god mother said her Assets would increase
in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally
bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me."
Her Assets instantly grew an inch and she was
ecstatic.
The next day, she bumped into a man in the
grocery store, he begged her pardon and another
inch was added to her Assets.
She was in seventh heaven!
She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided
with a waiter who bowed and said,
"A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper
says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"
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A man trying to get on an overcrowded bus was
pushed off by the people inside.
There's no room,' they said...... 'It's full up!'
'But you must let me on!' shouted the man.
'Why, what's so special about you?' they asked.
I'm the driver,' replied the man.
pushed off by the people inside.
There's no room,' they said...... 'It's full up!'
'But you must let me on!' shouted the man.
'Why, what's so special about you?' they asked.
I'm the driver,' replied the man.
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A blonde visits the doctor looking for a way to
lose weight.
The doctor tells her to eat regularly for two days
and skip the third.
When she returns in two weeks she will have lost
3 pounds.
Two weeks later the doctor tells her she's
amazingly lost 20 pounds.
She says "Thanks but I thought I was going to
pass out on the third day from All the skipping."
lose weight.
The doctor tells her to eat regularly for two days
and skip the third.
When she returns in two weeks she will have lost
3 pounds.
Two weeks later the doctor tells her she's
amazingly lost 20 pounds.
She says "Thanks but I thought I was going to
pass out on the third day from All the skipping."
••
What do you call a Japanese car thief ?
Tommy tookamoto.
Tommy tookamoto.
••
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the
pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the
passengers take their seats and get prepared for
an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight
attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply,
"except the lawyers are still going around passing
out business cards."
pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the
passengers take their seats and get prepared for
an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight
attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply,
"except the lawyers are still going around passing
out business cards."
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Being the office supervisor, I had to have a word
with a new employee who never arrived at work
on time.
I explained that her tardiness was unacceptable
and that other employees had noticed that she
was walking in late every day.
After listening to my complaints, she agreed that
this was a problem and even offered a solution.
"Is there another door I could use?"
with a new employee who never arrived at work
on time.
I explained that her tardiness was unacceptable
and that other employees had noticed that she
was walking in late every day.
After listening to my complaints, she agreed that
this was a problem and even offered a solution.
"Is there another door I could use?"
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Judge: "Twenty years!" [Bangs gavel]
Guy: "Yuh honor, I can't do no twenty years!"
Judge: "Well, do as much as you can, son."
Judge: "Twenty years!" [Bangs gavel]
Guy: "Yuh honor, I can't do no twenty years!"
Judge: "Well, do as much as you can, son."
