Get ready for the weekend....
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♥
If you're interested in becoming a lawyer, you'll
need a degree.
But as these court transcripts reveal, the question
is, in what?
ATTORNEY: "How was your first marriage
terminated?"
WITNESS: "By death."
ATTORNEY: "And by whose death was it
terminated?"
WITNESS: "Guess."
ATTORNEY: "Doctor, how many of your
autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
WITNESS: "All of them.
The live ones put up too much of a fight."
need a degree.
But as these court transcripts reveal, the question
is, in what?
ATTORNEY: "How was your first marriage
terminated?"
WITNESS: "By death."
ATTORNEY: "And by whose death was it
terminated?"
WITNESS: "Guess."
ATTORNEY: "Doctor, how many of your
autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
WITNESS: "All of them.
The live ones put up too much of a fight."
••
A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one
pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve
this stamina.
A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for
another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we
doing with the pill and the whiskey?"
Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind
with the pills, but he's about six months ahead
with the whiskey."
pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve
this stamina.
A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for
another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we
doing with the pill and the whiskey?"
Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind
with the pills, but he's about six months ahead
with the whiskey."
••
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked
with vodka had accidentally been served to a
luncheon meeting of local ministers, the
restaurant's owner waited nervously for the
clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter,
"what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter.
"They were all too busy slipping the seeds into
their pockets."
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked
with vodka had accidentally been served to a
luncheon meeting of local ministers, the
restaurant's owner waited nervously for the
clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter,
"what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter.
"They were all too busy slipping the seeds into
their pockets."
••
Speaking of politics.....
It's supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realise that it bears a very close
resemblance to the first.
Speaking of politics.....
It's supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realise that it bears a very close
resemblance to the first.
••
What with sermon preparations and anxiety,
the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the
week before he was to address his flock for the
first time.
So by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted
and extremely nervous.
Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few
steps onto the platform and into the pulpit.
However, he had barely begun his presentation
when everything he had planned to say flew right
out of his mind.
In fact, his mind went totally blank.
Then he remembered that in seminary they had
taught him what to do if a situation like this ever
arose: "Repeat your last point, and let it remind
you of what's coming next."
Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the
very last thing he'd said, and repeated it:
"Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly."
Still his mind was blank.
He thought he'd better try it again:
"Behold, I come quickly."
Still nothing.
He tried it one more time.
But in his panic, he pronounced the words with
such force that he lost his balance, fell forward,
knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a
flower arrangement, and fell into the lap of a little
old lady in the front row.
Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up,
apologized profusely, and started to explain what
had just happened.
"That's alright, young man," said the little old
lady kindly.
"It was my fault, really.
You told me three times you were on your way
down here.
I should have just gotten out of your way!"
the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the
week before he was to address his flock for the
first time.
So by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted
and extremely nervous.
Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few
steps onto the platform and into the pulpit.
However, he had barely begun his presentation
when everything he had planned to say flew right
out of his mind.
In fact, his mind went totally blank.
Then he remembered that in seminary they had
taught him what to do if a situation like this ever
arose: "Repeat your last point, and let it remind
you of what's coming next."
Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the
very last thing he'd said, and repeated it:
"Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly."
Still his mind was blank.
He thought he'd better try it again:
"Behold, I come quickly."
Still nothing.
He tried it one more time.
But in his panic, he pronounced the words with
such force that he lost his balance, fell forward,
knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a
flower arrangement, and fell into the lap of a little
old lady in the front row.
Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up,
apologized profusely, and started to explain what
had just happened.
"That's alright, young man," said the little old
lady kindly.
"It was my fault, really.
You told me three times you were on your way
down here.
I should have just gotten out of your way!"
••
Just watched a film about Jack the Ripper.
Oh My.....
It wasn't the light-hearted fart comedy I'd expected.
Just watched a film about Jack the Ripper.
Oh My.....
It wasn't the light-hearted fart comedy I'd expected.
••
I took a girlfriend to the beach.
I didn't realise it but when I got out of the water
you could see through my bathing suit.
Girlfirend says.
"I always knew you were crazy, but now I can
see your nuts!"
I didn't realise it but when I got out of the water
you could see through my bathing suit.
Girlfirend says.
"I always knew you were crazy, but now I can
see your nuts!"
••
A man walks up to the counter and says;
"I want a polish sausage"
The man at the counter says "No, you must be
Polish!"
The man says "What do you mean I have to be
Polish in order to buy a Polish sausage?!?
Do I have to be Mexican to buy a taco?
Do I have to be Italian to buy pasta? What?"
The person behind the counter responds "No, no
no, I meant you MUST be Polish.
This is a hardware store"
"I want a polish sausage"
The man at the counter says "No, you must be
Polish!"
The man says "What do you mean I have to be
Polish in order to buy a Polish sausage?!?
Do I have to be Mexican to buy a taco?
Do I have to be Italian to buy pasta? What?"
The person behind the counter responds "No, no
no, I meant you MUST be Polish.
This is a hardware store"
••
Dear BP.....
If I wash my favorite Mississippi delicacy with
Blue Dawn, Is it safe to eat?
If I wash my favorite Mississippi delicacy with
Blue Dawn, Is it safe to eat?
••
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb
a tree.
After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped
into the air waving his front legs and crashed to
the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again,
jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again, while a couple
of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad
efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him
he's adopted."
a tree.
After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped
into the air waving his front legs and crashed to
the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again,
jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again, while a couple
of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad
efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him
he's adopted."
••
What do you get if you cross a pig and a telephone?
A lot of crackling on the line.
A lot of crackling on the line.
