Going to be a great weekend...
Warm.... but we need rain...
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♥
“Will you love me when I’m old and ugly?”
“Darling, of course I do.”
“Darling, of course I do.”
Then the fight started....
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An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest
Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which
will only be observable there, when he's captured
by cannibals.
The eclipse is due the next day around noon.
To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and
threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released,
but the timing has to be just right.
So, in he few words of the cannibals' primitive
tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time
they plan to kill him.
The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that
captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the
highest point in the sky on the day after their
capture so that they may be cooked and ready to
be served for the evening meal".
"Great", the astronomer replies.
The guard continues, though, "But because
everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're
going to wait until after the eclipse."
Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which
will only be observable there, when he's captured
by cannibals.
The eclipse is due the next day around noon.
To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and
threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released,
but the timing has to be just right.
So, in he few words of the cannibals' primitive
tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time
they plan to kill him.
The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that
captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the
highest point in the sky on the day after their
capture so that they may be cooked and ready to
be served for the evening meal".
"Great", the astronomer replies.
The guard continues, though, "But because
everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're
going to wait until after the eclipse."
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What do you call a woman with a screwdriver
in one hand, a knife in the other, a pair of scissors
between the toes on her left foot, and a corkscrew
between the toes on her right foot?
A Swiss Army wife.
in one hand, a knife in the other, a pair of scissors
between the toes on her left foot, and a corkscrew
between the toes on her right foot?
A Swiss Army wife.
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A guy goes into a costume shop.
He says, "I'm going to a costume party and I want
to go as Adam."
The girl brings out a fig leaf.
He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it
over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
He says, "I'm going to a costume party and I want
to go as Adam."
The girl brings out a fig leaf.
He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it
over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
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Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted
by a famous artist.
She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond
earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets
and a ruby pendant."
"But you are not wearing any of those nice things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson.
"My health is not good and my husband is having
an affair with his secretary.
When I die I want that bitch to go absolutely nuts
looking for the jewelry."
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted
by a famous artist.
She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond
earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets
and a ruby pendant."
"But you are not wearing any of those nice things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson.
"My health is not good and my husband is having
an affair with his secretary.
When I die I want that bitch to go absolutely nuts
looking for the jewelry."
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Did you know:
The right lung takes in more air than the left..
(because the left lung is smaller to make way for
the heart).
Did you know:
The right lung takes in more air than the left..
(because the left lung is smaller to make way for
the heart).
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Police are called to an apartment and find a
woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a
lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did."
The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and
puts her hands on face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, Maybe seven times .
Just put me down for a five."
woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a
lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did."
The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and
puts her hands on face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, Maybe seven times .
Just put me down for a five."
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Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
