Well, it's a chilly 38º this morning..
Wonder how the Hummers like that?
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♥
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of
hungry wolves.
The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other
and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it,
or should we stay here for a few days and out
number them?"
hungry wolves.
The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other
and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it,
or should we stay here for a few days and out
number them?"
••
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at
the zoo.
Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials
put up a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around
the zoo.
A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the
next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do
you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet,
unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at
the zoo.
Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials
put up a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around
the zoo.
A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the
next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do
you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet,
unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
••
While driving down a dirt road in my pickup truck
in a rural agricultural part of Iowa with my pet
donkey in the back, I discovered that I had a flat
tire.
I got out of my truck and had the donkey stick its
head under the bumper to lift the truck.
A passing farmer asked, "Hey, that's a pretty clever
trick.
How did you teach your donkey to lift the truck?"
I replied, "It's a simple matter of the breed; this is
a jack ass."
While driving down a dirt road in my pickup truck
in a rural agricultural part of Iowa with my pet
donkey in the back, I discovered that I had a flat
tire.
I got out of my truck and had the donkey stick its
head under the bumper to lift the truck.
A passing farmer asked, "Hey, that's a pretty clever
trick.
How did you teach your donkey to lift the truck?"
I replied, "It's a simple matter of the breed; this is
a jack ass."
••
To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, redneck took
his wife to a large city and they checked into a
plush hotel.
Wife said to the bellman, “We refuse to settle for
such a small room.
No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.”
“But, madam!”, replied the bellman.
“Don’t ‘But madam’ me,” she continued.
“You can’t treat us like we’re a couple of fools just
because we don’t travel much, and we’ve never
been to the big city, and never spent the night at a
hotel.
I’m going to complain to the manager.”
“Madam,” the bellman said, “this isn’t your room;
this is the elevator!”
his wife to a large city and they checked into a
plush hotel.
Wife said to the bellman, “We refuse to settle for
such a small room.
No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.”
“But, madam!”, replied the bellman.
“Don’t ‘But madam’ me,” she continued.
“You can’t treat us like we’re a couple of fools just
because we don’t travel much, and we’ve never
been to the big city, and never spent the night at a
hotel.
I’m going to complain to the manager.”
“Madam,” the bellman said, “this isn’t your room;
this is the elevator!”
••
A Redneck was having a tough time lugging his
lumpy, over-sized travel bag onto the plane.
Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed
to stuff it in the overhead bin.
“Do you always carry such heavy luggage?”
she sighed.
“No more,” redneck said.
“Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner
can buy the ticket!”
A Redneck was having a tough time lugging his
lumpy, over-sized travel bag onto the plane.
Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed
to stuff it in the overhead bin.
“Do you always carry such heavy luggage?”
she sighed.
“No more,” redneck said.
“Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner
can buy the ticket!”
••
I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw
sitting on a bench last night.
He told me to go off and buy my own.
sitting on a bench last night.
He told me to go off and buy my own.
••
There are two kinds of people.
Those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up
in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
Those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up
in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
••
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York
City for the first time to attend a conference.
There was a large party thrown, with lots of food
and drink.
At the end of the party, they both staggered
outside.
One guy crossed the street, while the other
stumbled into a subway entrance.
When the 1st guy reached the other side of the
street, he noticed the other emerging from the
subway stairs.
"Where ya been?" he slurred.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy,
"but you should see the train set that guy has in
his basement!"
City for the first time to attend a conference.
There was a large party thrown, with lots of food
and drink.
At the end of the party, they both staggered
outside.
One guy crossed the street, while the other
stumbled into a subway entrance.
When the 1st guy reached the other side of the
street, he noticed the other emerging from the
subway stairs.
"Where ya been?" he slurred.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy,
"but you should see the train set that guy has in
his basement!"
••
I was walking down the street, and this guy waved
to me.
Then he came up to me and said, Im sorry,
I thought you were someone else.
I said, I am.
to me.
Then he came up to me and said, Im sorry,
I thought you were someone else.
I said, I am.
••
"I can't believe that you and Claire are splitting up,"
said John to his friend Pete.
"I've always thought of you as the perfect couple,
that you'd be together forever.
Surely you can sort things out, it can't be that bad,
can it?"
"Well" explained Pete, "We were driving through
a red light district last night when Claire said:
"Oh look, it's one of those hookers, or prossies,
or whores
or whatever you call them."
And I said: 'It's Kelly, her name is Kelly.'"
John fell silent for a moment, and then said:
"So who do you think will get to keep the house?"
said John to his friend Pete.
"I've always thought of you as the perfect couple,
that you'd be together forever.
Surely you can sort things out, it can't be that bad,
can it?"
"Well" explained Pete, "We were driving through
a red light district last night when Claire said:
"Oh look, it's one of those hookers, or prossies,
or whores
or whatever you call them."
And I said: 'It's Kelly, her name is Kelly.'"
John fell silent for a moment, and then said:
"So who do you think will get to keep the house?"
••
I was pulled over for speeding, and I tried to
explain to the officer that I was hurrying home to
celebrate my first anniversary with my wife.
He didn't let me off with a warning.
He handed me the ticket and said,
Happy anniversary!
The first year is paper, right?"
explain to the officer that I was hurrying home to
celebrate my first anniversary with my wife.
He didn't let me off with a warning.
He handed me the ticket and said,
Happy anniversary!
The first year is paper, right?"
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