Hope you have a great weekend...
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♥
The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in
his life science classroom staring at a question on
the final exam paper.
The question directed: "Give four advantages of
breast milk."
What to write?
He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came
into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe.
But the exam demanded a four-part answer.
Again, what to write?
Once more, he sighed.
He frowned.
He scowled, then sighed again.
But suddenly, he brightened.
He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly,
he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
his life science classroom staring at a question on
the final exam paper.
The question directed: "Give four advantages of
breast milk."
What to write?
He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came
into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe.
But the exam demanded a four-part answer.
Again, what to write?
Once more, he sighed.
He frowned.
He scowled, then sighed again.
But suddenly, he brightened.
He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly,
he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
••
A new receptionist started work in a psychiatrist's
office.
At the end of her first day the doctor felt he had to
have a quiet word or two with her.
"Your general approach is fine," he said,
"but try saying 'We're very busy' rather than
'It's a madhouse!"
office.
At the end of her first day the doctor felt he had to
have a quiet word or two with her.
"Your general approach is fine," he said,
"but try saying 'We're very busy' rather than
'It's a madhouse!"
••
During his golfing vacation at Martha's Vineyard,
President Obama had been slicing off the tee on
every hole.
He asks his Scottish born caddy if he has noticed
any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots,
to which the caddy replies:
"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer
driver.
"The President picks up his driver and cleans the
club face, at which point the caddy says:
"No, the other end."
President Obama had been slicing off the tee on
every hole.
He asks his Scottish born caddy if he has noticed
any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots,
to which the caddy replies:
"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer
driver.
"The President picks up his driver and cleans the
club face, at which point the caddy says:
"No, the other end."
••
The Unicorn barely made it aboard Noah's Ark...
He's so happy to be there he doesn't even care
about the rain.
He goes up on deck and sees the other Unicorn,
so he goes over to introduce himself.
"Hi, I'm George! I barely made it!
Can you believe we're the last two Unicorns on
Earth?
We get to repopulate our species after the flood is
over.
Isn't that great?
What's your name, sweetheart?"
"Steve," says the other Unicorn.
He's so happy to be there he doesn't even care
about the rain.
He goes up on deck and sees the other Unicorn,
so he goes over to introduce himself.
"Hi, I'm George! I barely made it!
Can you believe we're the last two Unicorns on
Earth?
We get to repopulate our species after the flood is
over.
Isn't that great?
What's your name, sweetheart?"
"Steve," says the other Unicorn.
••
I was in a pub last night and saw two "girls of size"
(as PC now requires us to say) by the bar.
They both spoke with a brogue accent, and making
assumptions about their origins I said,
"Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?"
One of them screamed, "It's WALES you idiot!"
So I immediately apologized and said: "Sorry,
are you two whales from Scotland?"
That's when all hell broke loose...
(as PC now requires us to say) by the bar.
They both spoke with a brogue accent, and making
assumptions about their origins I said,
"Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?"
One of them screamed, "It's WALES you idiot!"
So I immediately apologized and said: "Sorry,
are you two whales from Scotland?"
That's when all hell broke loose...
••
Your girlfriend is ugly when...
She looks out the window and gets arrested for
indecent exposure.
As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family
dog.
Even mosquitoes stay away from her.
She startles the animals at the zoo.
On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
She makes onions cry.
Her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a box of
milk duds.
Her armpits look like she has Don King in a
headlock.
The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
She looks out the window and gets arrested for
indecent exposure.
As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family
dog.
Even mosquitoes stay away from her.
She startles the animals at the zoo.
On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
She makes onions cry.
Her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a box of
milk duds.
Her armpits look like she has Don King in a
headlock.
The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
••
A husband asks his wife, 'You never argue when
I get mad at you.
How do you always control your anger?'
'I clean the toilet,' she replies.
'How does that help?' he asks.
'I use your toothbrush.'
I get mad at you.
How do you always control your anger?'
'I clean the toilet,' she replies.
'How does that help?' he asks.
'I use your toothbrush.'
••
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork
and baby stork.
The baby stork is crying and crying and father
stork is trying to calm him.
"Don't worry, son.
Your mother will come back.
She's only bringing people babies and making
them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job.
Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby
stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your
father will be back as soon as possible, but now
he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate:
their son is absent from the nest all night!
Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents
ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere.
Just scaring the hell out of college students!"
and baby stork.
The baby stork is crying and crying and father
stork is trying to calm him.
"Don't worry, son.
Your mother will come back.
She's only bringing people babies and making
them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job.
Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby
stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your
father will be back as soon as possible, but now
he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate:
their son is absent from the nest all night!
Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents
ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere.
Just scaring the hell out of college students!"
••
What did the teabag say as it vigorously got out
of the teapot?
I think I've strained myself.
of the teapot?
I think I've strained myself.
••
When our daughter was born, our young son was
upset because he wasn't able to help feed her.
My husband told him he could watch Mommy,
so he would understand why only I could feed
Elisa.
At the hospital he stood and watched me nurse her.
Afterwards he leaned over and asked me seriously,
"How long do you have to wear those?"
"Wear what?" I responded.
"Those things you feed the baby with."
upset because he wasn't able to help feed her.
My husband told him he could watch Mommy,
so he would understand why only I could feed
Elisa.
At the hospital he stood and watched me nurse her.
Afterwards he leaned over and asked me seriously,
"How long do you have to wear those?"
"Wear what?" I responded.
"Those things you feed the baby with."
••
One day during Mass, a priest made an
announcement to his congregation:
I have here three sermons.
A $500 sermon that lasts five minutes,
a $200 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes,
and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
Now we'll pass around the collection plates and
see which one I'll deliver."
announcement to his congregation:
I have here three sermons.
A $500 sermon that lasts five minutes,
a $200 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes,
and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
Now we'll pass around the collection plates and
see which one I'll deliver."
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