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Shot my first turkey today.....
Scared the shit outa the people in the frozen
foods section.
Scared the shit outa the people in the frozen
foods section.
☼
It would seem that a parish priest in the County
Mayo was walking along a road when he saw an
angry-looking bull burst through a gap in a
hedge and trot threateningly across the field
where a peasant girl was milking a cow of a staid
and venerable appearance.
The clergyman shouted a warning.
The girl glanced up, then calmly went on with
her milking.
The bull continued to advance.
He snorted and pawed the earth and tossed his
massive head.
The alarmed cleric called out again to the
imperiled young woman, bidding her to run for
safety.
She looked about, waved a hand reassuringly
and bent again to her task.
Just as the distressed onlooker was preparing to
risk his own life by distracting the animal from
the reckless colleen, the bull gave a final snort,
turned off and lumbered back to his pasture.
The good father vaulted the hedge and proceeded
to lecture the girl on her foolhardiness in face of
a great peril.
With an airy wave of her arm she interrupted him:
"Shure, your riverince," she said, "I was in no
danger whatsoever."
"What makes you say that, you foolish child?"
he demanded.
"With my own two eyes didn't I see him charging
down upon you.
It was only by the mercy of Providence and my
own quick prayers for your deliverance that he
didn't stick you with both those long horns of his."
"Beggin' your pardon, Father," she said,
"but that wasn't it at all.
All along, from the first, I knew he wouldn't dare
come nearer toward me."
"Why wouldn't he then?"
"He wouldn't come by reason of this cow bein'
here all the while."
"And what had that old cow to do with it?"
asked the astonished priest.
"She's his mother-in-law."
Mayo was walking along a road when he saw an
angry-looking bull burst through a gap in a
hedge and trot threateningly across the field
where a peasant girl was milking a cow of a staid
and venerable appearance.
The clergyman shouted a warning.
The girl glanced up, then calmly went on with
her milking.
The bull continued to advance.
He snorted and pawed the earth and tossed his
massive head.
The alarmed cleric called out again to the
imperiled young woman, bidding her to run for
safety.
She looked about, waved a hand reassuringly
and bent again to her task.
Just as the distressed onlooker was preparing to
risk his own life by distracting the animal from
the reckless colleen, the bull gave a final snort,
turned off and lumbered back to his pasture.
The good father vaulted the hedge and proceeded
to lecture the girl on her foolhardiness in face of
a great peril.
With an airy wave of her arm she interrupted him:
"Shure, your riverince," she said, "I was in no
danger whatsoever."
"What makes you say that, you foolish child?"
he demanded.
"With my own two eyes didn't I see him charging
down upon you.
It was only by the mercy of Providence and my
own quick prayers for your deliverance that he
didn't stick you with both those long horns of his."
"Beggin' your pardon, Father," she said,
"but that wasn't it at all.
All along, from the first, I knew he wouldn't dare
come nearer toward me."
"Why wouldn't he then?"
"He wouldn't come by reason of this cow bein'
here all the while."
"And what had that old cow to do with it?"
asked the astonished priest.
"She's his mother-in-law."
☼
Our family was horrified when my youngest
sister arrived home from elementary school one
day and informed us she knew how to French kiss.
She wanted to demonstrate, and she kissed my
mother, first on one cheek, then the other,
"There!" she stated proudly "That's how the
French kiss!"
sister arrived home from elementary school one
day and informed us she knew how to French kiss.
She wanted to demonstrate, and she kissed my
mother, first on one cheek, then the other,
"There!" she stated proudly "That's how the
French kiss!"
☼
Dermot McCann opened
the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded
to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly 'phoned his best friend Reilly.
'Did ye see the paper?' asked Dermot.
'They say I died.'
'Yes, I saw it.' replied Reilly.
'Where are ye callin' from?'
the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded
to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly 'phoned his best friend Reilly.
'Did ye see the paper?' asked Dermot.
'They say I died.'
'Yes, I saw it.' replied Reilly.
'Where are ye callin' from?'
☼
Edison found formal dinners tedious.
On one occasion the inventor made up his mind
to escape.
Unfortunately, his host accosted him, near the
door.
"It certainly is a delight to see you, Mr Edison.
What are you working on now?"
"My exit," replied Edison.
On one occasion the inventor made up his mind
to escape.
Unfortunately, his host accosted him, near the
door.
"It certainly is a delight to see you, Mr Edison.
What are you working on now?"
"My exit," replied Edison.
☼
Two chubby duffers, ordered to play golf by their
physicians, managed to get to the first tee.
One duffer said, "I don't have the energy to play
too long."
The other one said, "Okay.
We'll quit as soon as either one of us gets a hole
in one!"
physicians, managed to get to the first tee.
One duffer said, "I don't have the energy to play
too long."
The other one said, "Okay.
We'll quit as soon as either one of us gets a hole
in one!"
☼
I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her
young son.
Her boy kept looking around and pulling funny
faces at me.
After a few minutes, I got tired of his antics, so I
said, "When I was a young lad, my mother told
me that if I made a ugly face and the wind
changed, I'd stay that way."
The little rug rat replied,
"Well, you can't say you weren't warned."
young son.
Her boy kept looking around and pulling funny
faces at me.
After a few minutes, I got tired of his antics, so I
said, "When I was a young lad, my mother told
me that if I made a ugly face and the wind
changed, I'd stay that way."
The little rug rat replied,
"Well, you can't say you weren't warned."
☼
My first job was at a fine-dining establishment.
On the night we ran out of french fries, my boss
handed me $100 and told me to run to the
McDonald's next door and get $100 worth of
fries.
When I came back with two huge greasy sacks,
my boss looked confused.
"What's this" she asked.
"The $100 worth of fries you asked for," I said.
Her eyes narrowed..... "I told you $100 in fives!"
On the night we ran out of french fries, my boss
handed me $100 and told me to run to the
McDonald's next door and get $100 worth of
fries.
When I came back with two huge greasy sacks,
my boss looked confused.
"What's this" she asked.
"The $100 worth of fries you asked for," I said.
Her eyes narrowed..... "I told you $100 in fives!"
☼☼
