Down Hummingbird Lane

Good Morning, readers....
Foggy this Morning...
••

••••••••••••••••

•••••••••

•••

♥

The reason women don't play football is that
11 of them would never wear the same outfit in
public.

••

Inflation is when we pay fifteen dollars for the
ten-dollar haircut we used to get for five dollars
when we had hair.

••

While my wife and I were waiting to be served in
a restaurant, we overheard this exchange at a
nearby table:  A frazzled mother was ordering a
beverage for her youngest child when the waiter
asked, "what size?"
She answered, "Whichever size you'd like to clean
up."

••

A minister decided to do something a little off the
wall at his weekly sermon. 
He said to his parishioners, "Today, in church,
I am going to say a single word. 
And whichever single word I say, I want you to
sing whichever hymn comes to your mind. 
And thus we will united in thought, in worship
and in life."
The pastor shouted out "Beautiful."
Immediately the congregation started singing, in
unison, "All Things Bright and Beautiful.
The pastor hollered out "Grace."
The congregation chorused "Amazing Grace."
The pastor yelled, "Dance."
The congregation sang "Lord of the Dance."
The pastor said, "Sex."
The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. 
They all began to look around at each other
nervously, afraid to say anything.
Then from the back of the church, in a high,
reed-thin voice, a weary middle-aged woman
began to sing "Precious memories."

••
 Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
Cause he was caught with seaweed.

••

I walked up to the receptionist in the hospital and
asked, "Hi, my wife is getting a tummy tuck done
today.
Can you tell me what room she's in?"
 "She hasn't had the op yet Mr Taylor, so she's still
in rooms 2, 3 and 4."

••   

Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass
of Home'.
He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?'I asked.
'It's not unusual' he replied.

••
 My old granddad was mugged in the park last
week, punched in the face and his wallet stolen.
The police arrived and took a description of the
attacker alongside other details.
 "How much cash was in your wallet, sir?"
asked the police officer.
"$800," said Granddad.
"OK, sir," said the police officer as he was leaving,
"we'll let you know if we find out anything."
 "Granddad," I said, "where did you get $800?
You don't have that kind of money."
 "I know," said Granddad, "but if they catch the
'scum it's my word against his."

••

I'm on a whiskey diet.
I've lost three days already.