Down Hummingbird Lane

••

♥♥

A police officer saw a man dressed as a cowboy
in the street, complete with huge stetson hat,
spurs, and six shooters.
"Excuse me, sir," said the police officer,
"who are you?"
"My name's Tex, officer," said the cowboy. "
Oh?" said the police officer, "Are you from Texas?"
"Nope, Louisiana."
"Louisiana? So why are you called Tex?"
"I Don't want to be called Louise.....

••

News out........
"A man jumped the White House fence,
but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was
able to talk President Obama into coming back
and finishing his term." —Conan O'Brien

••
 It was once theoretically believed that you could
sit a million monkeys in front of a million
keyboards and, eventually, they would produce
something of intelligence.
 But that was before the internet and Facebook
blew that one out of the water.

••

A cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy
The insurance agent was going down the list of
standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"That's hard to believe..... No accidents at all?"
"Well, a rattler bit me one time."
"Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Hell no..... Damned varmint bit me on purpose."

••

A man arrives home from work and finds his
wife stressed because the kids had been running
wild all day.
 She asks if he would take them out for a pizza.
He told the kids to go into the garage.
He followed them.
A few moments later the wife hears two loud
bangs.
 The guy comes back into the house and asks
"Where's my pizza?"

••

A dentist, after completing work on a patient
came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me?
Could you give out a few of your loudest,
most painful screams?
 Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this
time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting
room right now, and I don't want to miss the
four o'clock ball game.

••

A gynacologist asks the naked young lady to do a
headstand against the mirror against the wall
and spread her legs.
He then leans down with his chin in her crotch
to examine her.
After dressing, he gives her a script for her
problem and she asks him why the rather strange
method to examine her.
He smiles and says it had nothing to do with the
examination...."I was just wondering what I would
look like with a goatee"

••

I met a girl whose breasts were growing out of
her back.
She was pretty funny looking, but she was great
to dance with!

••

My friend's husband always teases her about her
lack of interest in household chores.
One day he came home from work with a gag gift
for her -
a refrigerator magnet that read:
"Martha Stewart doesn't live here."
The next day he came home to find the
'Martha Stewart' magnet holding up a slip of paper.
 On it his wife had written,
"Neither does Bob Vila."

••

The socialite said to the artist;
"I'd like for you to paint a picture of my late uncle."
"Okay," replied the artist. "Bring him in."
"I said my late uncle," she repeated.
"Okay, fine," said the artist.
"Bring him in when he gets here."

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬