Good Morning.....Friends and neighbours .................................
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Wanna play ball ?.........................................................................

Some body's after me....................................................................

What's the matter with these dummies ?....................................

Thats about the dumbest thing I ever saw...................................

Mom's gotta give me baf...............................................................

I'm gonna sleep for a month....I's tired !.......................................

You look like a chicken,,,,,,,yeh, right!.........................................

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When Dad's satellite dish conked out, I found him on the phone with the help desk.

The television set was pulled away from the wall, and he was staring at the mass of tangled wires that were spilling out the back of it.

He looked absolutely overwhelmed.

"Tell you what I'm going to do," Dad said to the technician."

I'm going to hang up now, go to college for a couple of years, and then call you back."

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Quote:

"How about that Michael Phelps?

Eight Olympic gold medals. To me, that's not the most impressive thing.

The guy is actually swimming home from China." -David Letterman

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Few people outside the military know what a quartermaster does.

So during my aircraft carrier's Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphore, I grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat.

When finished, I pointed to a little girl in front and asked, "Now do you know what I do?"

"Oh, yes," she answered. "You're a cheerleader."

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When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars.

When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

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I spent a good part of a recent afternoon stuck on the grocery's express line behind a person with way too many items.

"I'm sorry," she told the clerk.

"I guess I forgot to count the things I had in my cart."

"Don't worry," the clerk replied.

"Everyone behind you is counting them."

☼

Anybody who wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.

Good Morning....Friends and neighbours...................................
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Don't get in front of the bulldozer...Wyatt's operating it..........

I'm scared......I'm hiding.............................................................

Lets play ball................................................................................

I'm not playing anymore, Taking my ball and going home.......

I'll wrassel you for it....................................................................

Wait until this team gets bigger..................................................

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While I was shopping in a pharmacy, a couple of teenagers came in.

They were dressed in leather, chains and safety pins.

The boy had blue and purple spiked hair and the girl's hair was bright yellow.

Suddenly the boy picked a pair of sunglasses and tried them on.

"What do you think?" he asked his girlfriend.

"Take them off!" she howled,. "They make you look ridiculous."

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You know you're in trouble when it takes more brains to fill out the income tax forms than it does to make the income.

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When I was a young Navy recruiter, there was a lot of friendly rivalry among the recruiters from the Navy, Marines, and Air Force.

We even had a contest for the recruiter who had to deal with the most unqualified applicant.

The winner had to buy the drinks.

One day, I saw a heavyset middle-aged woman walk into the Marine Corps office.

Definitely not recruit material.

After she left, I gleefully told the staff sergeant that the drinks were on him.

He looked at me for a moment, then said, "That was my wife."

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Our neighbor's 16-year-old daughter, who pitches in with yard work, was telling us that her boyfriend had landed his first summer job at a local resort.

"He's coming over today," she said, "so I can show him how to start a lawnmower and use a weed wacker."

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A young man could not understand why his mother looked disapproving whenever his career came up.

Finally, he said, "Mom, what is wrong with the fact that I am a historian?

It is a perfectly respectable career."

His mother answered, "Son, there is just no future in it."

☼

Dancing kept my six-year-old daughter, Diane, occupied one long winter.

She and the other girls practiced all season with a record for accompaniment.

At their recital, however, a piano would play for them.

After the first rehearsal for it, Diane came bounding out.

"Oh, ," she beamed, "we did so well today.

We finished way before the piano player did!"

☼

Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?

A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

Good Morning, on this T.G.I.F. day.............................................
♣







It seems all I do is wash and dry diapers.................................

Get outta my yard.......................................................................

All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the ............

Feeding time at the zoo ??...........................................................

Damn....your breath smells non too sweet !................................

I watched the Olympics...............................................................

Oh, No !.....Not me.......................................................................

♣

While my daughter's husband was stationed overseas, Her four-year-old daughter decided that she needed a baby brother.

"Good idea," She told her."

But don't you think we should wait till your father's home?"

She had a better idea.

"Why don't we just surprise him?"

♣

In Marine Corps basic training, I soon learned that everything we recruits used actually belonged to our drill instructor.

For instance, he referred to the stuff in our footlockers as "my trash," and to the racks we slept in as "my racks."

One time when we were all whispering in the bathroom whilemaking "head calls," our drill instructor must have overheard us.

To our surprise, he suddenly yelled, "Why do I hear voices in my head?!"

♣

Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up.

She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom.Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly.

Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains.

It read, "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."

♣

When I worked as a medical intern in a hospital, one of my patients was an elderly man with a thick accent.

It took a while before I understood that he had no health insurance.

Since he was a Worl War II vet, I had him transported to a VA hospital, where he'd be eligible for benefits.

The next day, my patient was back, along with this note from the VA admitting nurse: "Right war, wrong side."

♣

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could.

Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, “For pity’s sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”

Good Morning......Every one have a good night?..........................
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You woke me up from a bad dream............................................

Now I'm scared.............................................................................

Scared the hair off me...............................................................

A pretty.......................................................................................

Time to eat, and play..................................................................

Not me.... I'm tired, from being up last night............................

I'm taking a sand bath.....kills fleas..they stone each other.......

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On my birthday I got a really funny card from a friend.

It joked about how our bodies might be getting older, but our minds were still "tarp as shacks."

I wanted to thank the friend who sent the card, but I couldn't.

She forgot to sign it.

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Since both his parents work a night shift, before my five-year- old grandson, Drew, started kindergarten, he was taught by his mother how to set his alarm clock, how to turn it off, then to wash, dress and go to the kitchen, where breakfast would be ready.

One morning, his parents were woken up when the school phoned to say Drew hadn't arrived.

They rushed to his room and found him sitting on his bed, fully dressed, watching TV.

"Why didn't you wake me?" his mother asked.

"Why don't you get an alarm clock, like me?" was his innocent reply.

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On an evening when my parents were dining in a Chinese restaurant with two of their close friends, Dad was showing his skill in the use of chopsticks.

In addition to picking up a piece of beef and a snow pea, he demonstrated his prowess by picking up a tiny morsel of rice.

Turning to the others at the table, he asked if there was anything else they would like to see him pick up.

"Yes," said his friend.....

"The check."

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I heard they were installing mistletoe at the baggage check-in at the local airport.

That way you can kiss your luggage goodbye.

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During the college speech course I taught, I spoke about a Chinese student who, after moving to the United States, decided she wanted an English name to honor hernew home.

"She chose the name Patience," I told the class, "because she wanted to be reminded to be patient.

Every time someone called her name, the message was reinforced."

I asked the students what names they would select for themselves.

After considering the question, one young man raised his hand and said, "Rich."

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Definition of a prenuptial agreement: Paper a lawyer prepares to protect the party of the first part from the party of the second part should they discover the party's over.

When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

Good Morning .......friends....You too..."Witchy"........................






"Westen" saz: he's a cool dude...................................................






He thought he was cool too........................................................

Cat Burglar..................................................................................

Hard life behind bars....................................................................

Not me, I'm a hiding.....................................................................

I'll jump out.................................................................................

Some years ago when I worked in a bank, one of the managers entered the safe to prepare that day's cash for the tellers.

When a client called asking for him, the clerk who answered the phone let the caller know that the manager was busy.

"He can't come to the phone now," she said.

"He's tied up in the vault."

→

Put a federal agency in charge of the Sahara Desert and it would run out of sand.

→

A male friend of mine, an engineer at an aircraft company, works for a woman supervisor.

She often shows up at work wearing buttons featuring feminist slogans.

One day, her latest button, "Adam was a rough draft," proved too much for my friend.

The next day, he showed up at work sporting his own button:

"Eve was no prime rib."

→

Bobbie's granddaughter, Ali, was watching her do some housework one day and told her how much she liked a Victorian couch she has. “Well,” she told her, “you can have it when I die.”

“But, I don't want you to die!” Ali said.

Then, after a few moments of silence, she said, “Grandma, could I pick it up on the way back from the funeral?”

→

Fitness center applicants at my hospital are queried about their medical problems.

One man wrote "None" on the application form where it asked whether he had any cardiac problems.

When a huge surgical scar was noticed on his chest, he was asked, "What is that from?"

"I used to have problems with my heart, but it was replaced last year," the man answered calmly.

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A little white duck adopted a family of swans near our house.

It swam with them, ate with them and even adopted their mannerisms.

We came up with a nickname for the little guy: "Swannabe." ~

Hey...Hey...Good Morning......So, whats new ?............................
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I can balence a ball on my nose...................................................

I want my mommie.....................................................................

No..No...click on that one there.................................................

See how strong I am...and we're saving gas................................

I'm strong too....I'm like super man, I goes through doors......

I bite the tires...and they go down.............................................

I'll sit this one out.......thank you! ............................................

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The best advice they give the lady's in boot camp;

"To stay out of trouble, say 'Yes, sir' all day and 'No Sir' all night."

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While vacationing, a customer came into a deli for some polish sausage.

"How much would you like?"

Stefan asked.

Puzzled over the metric price, the man looked up and replied haltingly, "Um, a kilometre, please."

Stefan handed the end of the meat coil to him and said, "Take this outside and I'll tell you when to stop."

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At a dinner party, a sensible person usually will eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but not too wisely.

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Why, in child-custody cases, are men with jobs regarded as good fathers whereas women with jobs are regarded as neglectful mothers?

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Families are complicated enough, but things became even more confusing after my father decided to get married to my brother's mother-in-law.

"Now I can't make up my mind whether he's my dad or my father-in- law," says my brother, "or if my mother-in-law is now my stepmother, or whether my child is my daughter or my niece."

→

My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet.

Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom.

Think of something to ask it."

As I sat with my fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought for a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Good Morning......everyone. Hope the weekend was good for you.
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What's that I hear?....someone's close by...................................

we'll just lay low..till he's not paying attention.........................

Spider man will save the day...he's a super hero......................

An't she cute??............................................................................

I got your cute............................................................................

Youse guy's sure are funny.........................................................

More Maxine for Bobbie................................................................

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Bobbie's granddaughter, Alison, called to ask if she and her cousin could sleep over.

“Not this weekend, Alison,”she told her. “I'm getting old.”

“But, Grandma,” she protested, “next weekend you'll be even older!”

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A livestock truck overturned in my town, and the accident made the local news.

The young reporter who covered the story declared on camera, "Two cows, Black and Gus, escaped into nearby woods."

At the studio there was muffled laughter as they cut to a commercial.

After the break, the reporter sheepishly added, "About that overturned truck...make those Black Angus cattle."

→

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the 'Politician. '

All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around."

→

Here it is: September again and another school year begins, with name calling, petty bickering and childish behavior.

But enough about the school board meetings.

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Sadly, in the nightclub world, bald singers don't fare well, hence my reason for buying a hairpiece.

When I asked my accountant if I could write off the toupee as an expense, he hesitated.

The he changed his mind. "All right," he said finally.

"I'll put it down as an overhead."

→

Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.

Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

Good morning.....Well I made it another year.............................
♠






Hey, ..Want to play ball?...Take your pick.................................

Not me....I'm just hanging around............................................

Nah, I'm studying..................thanks anyway..............................

And I thought I was a Crabby, old man.....................................

♠

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job.

The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job!

He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.

The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong.

The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

♠

A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time.

He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out.

She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."

"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."

♠

Shopping one afternoon, I was paged to come to the mall office.

I rushed over and an office clerk said that I was to call home right away.

Fearing the worst, I found a pay phone.

When my teenage daughter answered, I immediately asked what was wrong.

"Everything's fine, Mom," she said.

"But I have a date in an hour and I want to wear the shoes you have on."

♠

Our daughter signed up for shop class because she thought it meant visiting different malls.

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A chart in my biology text rated different methods of contraception according to how effective studies showed they were.

Everything made sense except for one entry: "Abstinence -- 32% failure."

♠

We didn't all come over on the same ship, but we're all in the same boat.