Good morning.....Friends...

She's watching you.........

No...She's watching this dog....(dinner)

A weird looking beast......

A cool restaurant....

~0~

I was in my backyard the other night looking through my telescope.

My neighbor had just taken out his trash and came over and asked, "Are you looking at the stars?"

I said, "No, I'm have a staring contest with a guy on Mars."

~0~

A young guy in a single-engine fighter was flying escort for a B- 52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hot dog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The hot dog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hot dog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down an engine, kid."

~O~

Porsche is working on a hybrid SUV.

A hybrid SUV with the Porsche name.

Perfect for a man in his midlife crisis who is married to a soccer mom.

A Porsche hybrid SUV sounds as marketable as a Hummer moped...

~0~

I was glued to the TV.

It looked like the pitcher would throw a no-hitter.

My wife who thinks baseball is boring, wondered why the crowd was so excited.

"It's a perfect game," I told her. Do you know what that is?"

"Yeah," she said, "one that's over."

~O~

A woman with a headache went to her medicine cabinet to find a bottle of Advil.

She did as the bottle said; take two and keep away from children.

Soon her headache went away!

Good Morning...everyone in Canada , and elsewere..

Good lookin Chick.........

Hey...It is Hummingbird lane....right?

What can I say ??








It's getting there.......

Ugly looking thing..........

Great sign........................................

~0~

Our best years are when the children can wash the car but are still too young to drive.

~0~

There was this fellow who got in trouble with the IRS for deducting flood damage to his

home on his tax return.

The government found out he lived on a sailboat.

~0~

It's time to diet and exercise when you accept the fact that you can fool some of the people

all of the time and all of the people some of the time,

but not while you're wearing a bathing suit.

~0~

A fellow went for a check up to his family physician.

After a thorough examination, the doctor gave the man the bad news —

“I’m sorry, but you only have 6 months to live.”

Obviously the man was shocked.

He replied, “Please Doc, give me some advice!”

“Well,” the doctor said, “here is what I would do.

First off, I would move to Arkansas.

Then I would buy a hog farm. Finally, I would marry a 350 lb. woman.”

Looking perplexed, the man replied “my God, doc, how in the world will that help?”

The doctor answered, “Well, I don’t know how much it will help your illness, but it will be the longest 6 months of your life!”

~0~

Miguel Rodriquez long suffered from insomnia.

It was a rare night that he slept more than an hour.

He had consulted numerous physicians in Mexico and the United States but none had

been able to help him.

Even the strongest sedatives could not give him a restful night of sleep.

One day, Miguel met and fell in love with a beautiful senorita named Esta Gonzales.

Now when he wants to sleep he just looks at her picture.

Miguel has known from his childhood that WHEN YOU SEE ESTA, YOU SLEEP.

Sorry.........

Good Morning...people of the world...

I thought this was a good picture...reminds me of a special lady...

Now...If I had this I would be scared to fly anywere.

What can I say...

I like this hairdo...I might try it.....Nah!

Hope he's not a lap dog.....He'd take up the whole couch......

~0~

A retired couple is lying in bed one night and are discussing all aspects of their future.

"What will you do if I die before you do?" husband asked wife.

After some thought, she said, "I'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age."

Then wife asked husband, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

~0~

My friend Bobbie adopted a stray cat and took him to the vet to be neutered.

"I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the vet said.

"How can I be 100 percent?" Bobbie asked.

"Watch to see if he does any 'male' things."

"He already lies on the couch all day," she said.

"If he starts hogging the remote, I'll bring him in."

~0~

"Mom," said the little boy, in from playing.

"I think the people who live next door are really, really poor!"

"Why do you say that, my little one?"

"Because you should have seen the fuss they made when their baby swallowed a dime!"

~0~

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator.

Take a look at your tax bills and you'll quit calling them "cheap politicians."

"Los Angeles is planning to recycle and reuse waste water.

That means that when your dog drinks out of the toilet,

he's just cutting out the middle man."

Well, now......good morning...somebody..

Look out.....got carried away..................

"Witchy" sent this: Something you don't wanna see from an Oil rig...

Open wide for the dentist.........

Potty training......

Ooops, some body is hurting...Gotta be mo careful......

~0~

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Shapiro became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Shapiro, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Shapiro was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

~0~

Wise old Indian:

When told the reason for daylight saving time the old Indian said,

"Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket"

~0~

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a Redneck.

As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.

This way if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, For my wife's birthday I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.

"This way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."

As the Redneck was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, I'm going to buy "Witchy" a T-shirt and a cell phone.

"This way if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can tell her friends!"

Good Morning....Friends.....It's a happy day.....

Damn....must have been rank.....lookin at that face !

A baby Sloth......as "Bobbie" saz: he's a cutie......

Cute ride....another 100 miles per gallon car....

Ya...right!...........................................

~0~

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.

That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.

We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

~0~

Quote:

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."

(Ann Landers)

~0~

My father is a skilled CPA, but is not great at self-promotion.

So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance.

Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.

"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.

"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"

"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard and I want you to come and get it."

~0~

Two old gals listening to a fire-and-brimstone preacer in church....the holyroller says, "You people out there smiokin' them cigarettes is DOOMED!"

One old gal says to the other, "AAAAmen"

The preacher goes on, "And you people smokin' them foul cee-gars, you're DOOMED"

The old girl says, "AAAAmen....."

The preacher gets real confidential now, leans over the pulpit and lowers his voice..."An' you-all out there a chewin' that 'backy an' dippin snuff...EEEEternal hellfire,, that's what you're doomed to...."

The old gal turns to her friend and mutters, "Goddam fool's quit preachin' now, an' taken up meddlin...."

Good Morning....on this Memorial Day....

Remembering our Fallen Hero's.....................






I'm not going to say anything.......






5 Farts to the mile..............

100+miles to the gallon........of course you can't buy ..............

~0~

An elderly"Witchy" was stopped after doing 73 mph.

When told she was getting a ticket, she asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"

~0~

2 Marriage Quickies...

1.Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "That's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet."

2.A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," his wife replied sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter who left you a fortune!"

~0~

A fussy eater, my nine-year old son asked me to please buy multigrain bread.

Happy that he wanted to eat so healthily, I purchased a loaf.

The next morning, while making his sandwich for school, I told him how happy I was that he liked multigrain bread.

"I don't," he said. "But the kid who I trade sandwiches with does."

~0~

I've decided that instead of getting married.... I'd just buy a dog.

Why?

Because after the first year, a dog is still excited to see you.

Good Morning....friends......

Lets not forget our Hero's this weekend...

Different picture of cat.....................................

Retired Super Hero...............

Another old Super Hero..........................

100 Miles to the gallon car.............

Car bed......My sweety and I could go places.........

~0~

It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order.

As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.

Apologizing, the clerk turned to the customer and said, "I'm sorry, but they just don't make these bags like they used to."

"You're right," replied the customer.

"That was supposed to happen in my driveway!"

~0~

Being very organized came in handy when I put an extension on my house.

I made sure all my bills were paid promptly. So I was mortified when I received a letter from an electrician that stated in bold letters, "Second and Final Notice!"

"I'm sorry," I said when I called him. "I never saw the first notice."

"I didn't send one," he told me. "I find second notices are much more effective."

~0~

Travelling is part of my wife's job, and she sometimes visits up to five cities in a week. I

hadn't thought too much of it until she returned wiped out from her last business trip.

As her head hit the pillow, she sighed.

"It's so nice to be sleeping in my own bed, with my own husband."

~0~

I went to the doctor's office and the nurse asked, "Are you here to see the doctor?"

I said, "No, I'm here to join the all-nurse choir."

Good Morning....Peoples..and "Witchy" too.....

Pretty sunset......for a nice day.........





Miss IDAHO for 2008......

This is all we can afford gas for............

Drinkin mans belt.........I used to wear one......

~0~

Quote:

"The other day a man in London dressed as Darth Vader got drunk and assaulted two men dressed as Jedi knights.

He was sentenced to two months in jail and 10 more years living in his parents' basement."

-Conan O'Brien

~0~

A little boy was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.

"Mommy, mommy, why doesn't daddy have very many hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with such a diplomatic explanation for her husband's baldness.

Or she was until her son thought for a second and asked, "So, why do you have so much hair?"

~0~

Why Dads Aren't Moms.....

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter.

Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set.

Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of "tea" (really just plain water).

He praised her good "cooking," so she brought him more.

After several cups of "tea," and much praise, Mom came home.

"Honey, watch this," said Dad, and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.

"Isn't she just the cutest?"

Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of "tea" before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"

~0~

Men wait for women more often than women wait for men, showing what's worth waiting for.

Good Morning.....People, friends and lovers.....

Damn....they look familiar....

Just walking in the fog........

Somewere in this picture...is my friend......Oh, there she is.

Of course I gotta have a cat picture......Right..Missy?

~0~

Three Insurance salesmen were having drinks and boasting about each companies' service.

The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening."

The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."

The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of the Chrysler Building.

One of our insured who was washing a window on the 60th floor, slipped and fell.

We handed him his check as he passed our floor."

~0~

The electric company received a complaint from a lady that two of the electric company repairmen were working outside her home and they used a lot of profanity.

A check of company records turned up the names of the two men who had been working in that area at the time involved.

The two men were called into the office to answer the accusation.

One of the men said "Why, that just isn't so.

I remember that job. Herbie climbed a pole to do the repair.

He was leading the connection when the pot of melted lead tipped over.

The melted lead hit the back of my neck and ran down inside my shirt.

"Then, I said to Herbie 'Please do be more careful with that melted lead, Herbie.'

~0~

Husband with hand on television control: "Dear, do you have anything to say before the football season starts?"

Good Morning......Friends..........

Gas keeps going up I will hafta get "Withchy" to fly here on her broom.

I thought this was a pretty trail....it's in G-boro, N.C.







Don't get me started.........

Damn....one of my nuts went down here....

~0~

One recent Saturday night, I met "Witchy", and one thing lead to another.

I said, "Hey, let's go back to my place."

She asked, "Oh, do you have cable?"

I said, "No. But I have some old ropes that should do just fine."

~0~

A young couple decided to wed.

As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.

Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.

I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."

This seemed to be a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.

"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth.

The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth.

Not a word," her mother affirmed. She thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony.

Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn, the husband awoke with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.

Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searched the bed. This, of course, woke his bride who without thinking, immediately asked, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"

~0~

How do you convince a scofflaw not to smoke in airplane restrooms?

One attendant on my flight found a way.

"Anyone caught smoking in the lavatory," she announced over the intercom,

"will be asked to step outside."

Good Morning.......Everyone....


Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably.. And never regret anything that made you smile.

In love....................

Nice ride..........................

One Bite.....It's all it would take.....

~0~

The other day in Iowa, a 78-year-old blind man went bowling, and he bowled a perfect game.

Of course, no one had the heart to tell him he was in a supermarket."

~0~

The doctor's office was crowded as always, but the doctor was moving at his usual snail's pace.

After waiting two hours, an old man slowly stood up and started walking towards the door.

"Where are you going?" the receptionist asked.

"Well" the man said, "I figured I'd go home and die a natural death."

~0~

Did you ever notice that when you fall in love you sink into his arms, but after the wedding your arms are in his sink?

QUESTION: How can you tell if someone is perfect for Politics?

ANSWER: They've got the gift of grab.

~0~

Two women were talking the other day over tea.

"Did I tell you that my husband has taken up golf?" the first lady asked her friend.

"No, as a matter of fact, you didn't," her friend replied, "How's he doing?"

"Evidently, very well," said the first lady.

"He's only played three times, but his friends tell me that he's already throwing his clubs as far as men who've been playing the game for years!"