Free lunch...........................

You know I've felt like doing this.......often

Hey....Carol..........just for you..

GROAN ALERT!...

I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?".

Two of the people got rather worked up. .

One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!".

The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones..

So if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!".

A young couple was touring southern Florida on their honeymoon and stopped at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.

After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

"Wow!" exclaimed the new bride.

"You certainly have a dangerous job. Do you ever get bitten?" .

"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.

"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?".

"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound." .

"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.

"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."

The food Channel.........................

Question....Why?

~~~

A note to Gov. Spitzer:

Dear Governor Spitzer, You could have saved yourself a lot of money by hiring an intern.

Sincerely, William Jefferson Clinton.

Rain is caused by high pressure areas, cold fronts, warm moist air, and weekends.

"Here's a sure sign spring is around the corner:

Donald Trump evicted a family of robins out of his hair."

~~~

Steve and his wife were on their way to the airport and passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.

Steve's wife glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."

"No," Steve corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."

~~~

One crazy day in the clinic, I saw a nurse hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom.

A few minutes later, he returned to the nurse's station, holding the empty cup in his hand. "I didn't need this, after all," he said.

"There was a toilet in there."

I don't know how it'll turn out!

I'll try the joke here.....

~~~

I emptied my spam box earlier tonight and in the last couple of hours I've been :-..

Guaranteed a $100K loan Guaranteed penis extension to 12"..

All the prescription drugs I need and a few I don't..

As much viagra as I want..

3 rolex watches, 2 teenage girls and a woman who wants me to be her hero ..

Amazing what you can get on the web these days.................

~~~

William Harvey, defending a DUI charge in court in Perth, Scotland, in February, told the judge that his high blood-alcohol reading was because he has a "balloon-like" pouch in his neck (sort of like a pelican's) that collects most of the alcohol he swallows and therefore makes it seem that he is much more inebriated than he really is. (He was convicted.)

I'm still trying to get it right.......

We got kinda Political this morning.....

I get tired of holding my nose when I vote.


Wanna Bet ?

This is about right............

Playing with your food....

~~~~

~~~
Bad Humor.....


At The Park Bench....
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in a Florida retirement community when a man sat down on the other end of her bench.
After a few moments, she asked, "Are you new here?".
"I lived here years ago," he replied.
"So where have you been since?" asked the woman.
"Prison," the man replied.
"Oh! Why were you in prison?" .
He quietly replied, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."

~~~

When my doctor told me that I was as sound as a dollar, he nearly scared me to death.

~~~

Quote;

"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

"Martin Luther King

Now the funnies......



It was visitors' day at the lunatic asylum.


All the patients were standing out in the courtyard and singing, "Ave Maria", and singing it beautifully.


Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.


A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor.


"I am a retired choir director," he said.


"This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."


"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.


"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"


"In the beginning this was a big problem.


One inmate wanted to call them the "Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam".


But I said it was too long and, anyway, none of them were from Siam.


Then, another thought "The Pencil Leads" was a good name but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to."


"Well," the visitor asked, "What name did they finally agree on?"


"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "


They all agreed to call themselves"...are you ready for this?...



"THE MORON TAPANAPPLE CHOIR"

Trying somethink different ...this morning.....


A "Maine Coon Cat"......

There's a spy in the gang.................

Just what it sez......................................

Getting worst........are they all bad,or just the ones running?

An Apple a day ?.................

Me and "Sweet lady" could be riding in style.....

Spring is here.....but it's still cold.......

I have to Salute These guys......I don't how they can hold back.
Because I'd have to bust some heads...and windup in jail.

~~~

A rather cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer in Virginia .

He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder.

'The Agriculture representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me.

See this badge?

This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.

No questions asked or answered.

Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.

The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out,
'Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!'

~~~

My family physician with a large practice,Was shopping in a packed Wal-Mart one day.

And a pharmaceutical representative spotted him and boomed out, “Dr. Chesler.

I have those Viagra samples you asked for!”

I've got a "Witchy Woman" on my mind this morning....

Easter Sunrise.....If you missed it......

Playing with you food.....

Seems about right........

Hey "Jim"....here's what you need.........................

~~~

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

“Doctor,” the man said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair.

She can’t possibly be mine.”

“Nonsense,” the doctor said.

“Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”

“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted.

“This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this.

How often do you have intimacy?

The man seemed a bit ashamed.

“I’ve been working very hard for the past year.

We only made love once or twice every few months.”

“Well, there you have it!”

The doctor said confidently. “It’s rust.”

Well....I tried to load the pictures but it won't let me....
I tried for an hour....but it just does what it wants.
Anyway here's a couple Yoke's for you Folks....
I know...corny


~~~


Reasons why it's great to be American...
You can have a woman president without electing her.
You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
You can be a crook and still be president.
If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
If you can breathe you can get a gun.
You can invent a new public holiday every year.
You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.


~~~


Something to Ponder~~


"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks."
"Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt."
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
All money is tainted, tain't none of it mine.

Look at me....an't I pretty...............

Ready for some O.J.?

Watch for "Killer" the ankle biter........

I just want to wish everyone "Happy Easter"....

~~~

During a fancy dinner party, the hosts' two small children entered the dining room totally naked and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing had happened.

The guests, not wanting to embarrass their hosts any further, continued talking.

As the kids heading back to their rooms, one said to the other, "See? I told you it was vanishing cream!"

~~~

You Are No Longer "Cool" When.....

You find yourself listening to talk radio.

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide- inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

When jogging is something you do to your memory.

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

You actually ASK for your father's advice.

You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

Hope Everyone's having a swell holiday weekend....



Our "Gang" .....a old family picture......

Hey !! were's mine.....you forgot me again..........

God...help us.........


Another Iceburg with a barcode..............

~~~


It was a full auditorium.
Halfway through the author's talk, she began to feel sick.
In a calm voice, she announced that she had left a few pages of her speech offstage, in her bag. She walked off slowly and, as soon as she was out of sight, ran to the bathroom where she immediately threw up.
She was just about finished when someone came into the bathroom to tell her that her lapel mike was still on.

~~~

We were studying how muscles divert and facilitate blood flow..
A student had volunteered to have her blood monitored through ultrasound..
When the instructor placed the ultrasound prove on the back of her leg, just above her knee, we could hear the blood flowing through her veins..
The instructor then sqeezed his hand around her knee, below the probe and the blood flow stopped..
"What would happen if I was to squeeze above the probe?" he asked us..
"You'd get sued," said one student.

Iceburg with a bar code??

Snowman sent these....I thought they were good......

Art by the hwy....cool. This one is on rt.250....

Bobbie told me so.........

~~~

A man walked into a crowded restaurant and caught the eye of a harried waiter..

"You know," he said, "it's been ten years since I came in here"..

"Don't blame me," the waiter snapped. "I'm working as fast as I can.".

~~~

In a greasy spoon, a downhearted diner asked the waitress for goulash and some kind words.. She brought the goulash but didn’t say a thing..

“Hey,” he said, “what about my kind words?”.

She replied, “Don’t eat the goulash.”.

~~~

Gus had always ordered a beverage by simply saying, "A Coke, please.".
However, recently waitresses had been responding, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke..

We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Thums Up, Dew, Sprite, Fanta... ".
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, Gus decided to make life easier..

So one day he simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "Dark, Carbonated beverage.".
The young man behind the counter looked up and said, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?".

One god ugley cat............

One fat squirrel............

One big bone for "Brutus"..........

One funny float.........................

One feeding bird............................

~~~

POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD....

Some 'dirtbag' in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him..

The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range..

Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed..

A statewide manhunt ensued..

The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun..

SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times..

Now here's the kicker:.

Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times..

Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel:.

That's all the bullets we had!..

(Talk about an all time classic answer!!!)

~~~

"Among the people rumored to be a possibility for John McCain's vice-presidential running mate is 51-year-old Florida Governor Charlie Crist and surprisingly not his brother, Jesus Crist"

~~~

After reading an article that had a tip for finding your car in a huge parking lot, I decided to follow the advice one day while at the mall..

I attached a tissue to the car’s antenna with a rubber band..

The little white flag waving in the breeze was supposed to help me spot my car easily..

So off I went shopping, and when I came out a short time later, I quickly spotted a little white flag...and about forty others..