Thursday, July 31, 2014



Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden's Endless Pasta 
for their last meal? 
If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial 

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. 
 So I peed on the pillow. 

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops 
a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent.

Don't lie about your job, just word it better. 
Ex: "I handle client transactions at a fortune 500 
multi-national corp. vs. "I cashier at KFC." 

I ordered a pizza online and under special requests I 
write: "tell me the meaning of life". 
When the door bell rings, there's only an empty box. 

The problem with riverboat gambling is that you 
can't tell if you're queasy from losing your money or 
getting seasick. 

Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, Teddy Grahams Bear, and 
Count Chocula perish in house fire. 
S'more at eleven.  

"Oil prices have fallen lately. 
We include this news for the benefit of gas stations, 
which otherwise wouldn't learn of it for six months."

If I say you got the body of a Greek goddess, 
will you shut your mouth and let me watch football?

If the doorbell rings, its normal to drop, shimmy across 
the floor, press your body to the wall & not breath till the 
person is gone, right? 

Fashion magazines are society's way of saying 
"If you don't feel inadequate already, read one of these!" 


Wednesday, July 30, 2014


"Walking the cat"


One morning, Harry wakes up...and goes 
downstairs into the kitchen. 
It's his birthday. 
It's the third day of the third month and 
Harry is thirty three years old. 
He notices that the kitchen clock has broken 
and stopped at 3:30am. 
On the radio, the weather announces that the 
temperature is 33 degrees. 
Opening the sporting section of his newspaper, 
he turns to page three; he sees that a horse 
called 'Triple Treble' is running in the 3.30. 
He rings up a bookmaker and puts $303.00 on it 
to win....... It comes in third.

A local church built a new sanctuary. 
They moved their very fine old pipe organ 
from to the new sanctuary. 
It was an intricate task that was completed 
 The local news heralded . . . 
"St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but 
the heavier ones need a crane.

I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold 
in my backyard right up until the damn 
neighbors cat murdered all the actors. 

Every time I wear my suit, I hear the same 
five words. 
"Will the defendant please rise." 

Wife asked me to hang up some new wall 
decorations she picked up. 
One was a little heavy so I wanted to nail into 
a couple studs instead of just using drywall 
She saw me rooting around in the garage 
and asked what I was looking for.
"My stud finder.... 
Wish I could turn it on remotely so it would 
just find me instead!"

My kids are giving all the people on this plane
a hard lesson in birth control right now. 

When the Methodist minister falls down the 
stairs, he picks himself up and says, 
"That was an experience, how do I learn from 
When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs,
 he picks himself up and says, "I must have 
done something really bad to deserve that."
When the Presbyterian minister falls down 
the stairs, he picks himself up and says, 
"That was inevitable, I'm glad its over."
When the Baptist minister falls down the 
stairs, he picks himself up and says, 
"Which one of my deacons pushed me?

I've learned a lot about women. 
Ex: if you're going to the hospital for a 
gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, 
you'd better stop on the way. 

The chaplain for the death row inmate entered
cell and told the condemned man, "They are 
going to allow you ten minutes of grace." 
"That's not very long," he shrugged, "but 
what the hell, send her in!" 

Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to 
meet my family, so I did. 
Her and my wife aren't getting along. 

What do you call the baby that was conceived 
on the beach?


Tuesday, July 29, 2014



Did you hear about the guy who invented a 
knife that can cut four loaves of bread at once?
He's calling it the "Four Loaf Cleaver."

A donkey had an IQ of 186. 
He had no friends at all though. 
Because even in the animal kingdom, 
nobody likes a smart-ass.

I admire people who can work through their 
I met a blind hooker. 
You really had to hand it to her.

If people listened to themselves more often, 
they would talk less.

I meet a lot of strippers, and they always say 
the same thing: I'm paying my way through 
medical school. 
Now, if that's the truth, why is that you never 
meet a doctor that used to be a stripper? 
You'd think they'd be everywhere. 

When you rob an Ikea store, they probably make  
you put all the money in the bag yourself. 

When I'm at a friend's house & there are snacks, 
all I'm thinking is "How do I eat everything 
without looking like a homeless person?" 

My superpower is turning food and drink into 
larger pants. 

A visitor from R-Ville was strolling along the 
California surf one morning. 
During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing 
pole clutched in his hands, sound asleep against
the side of a huge coastal rock. 
Just then the pole began to jerk violently. 
"Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the 
"Look out there! You have a bite."
"So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out 
at the water. 
"If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for 
The visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was 
"Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put 
some fresh bait on the hook and cast the line 
out for me."
Again the visitor complied. 
After doing so he turned to the lazy angler. 
"You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as 
you ought to get married and have a son to do 
these things for him." 
"That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. 
"Know where I could find a pregnant woman?"

Mom and dad tried to surprise me with a new 
car, but I saw them coming and I jumped 
out of the way...

My wife has banned dad jokes in our house....
So I have to stand outside and shout them in..

She has a million dollar figure, but the top 
half is counterfeit. 


Monday, July 28, 2014



Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. 
There's just too much fraternizing with the 
       -- Henry Kissinger

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, 
concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. 
The Doctor explained to the man that as 
ducks age their upper bills grow down over 
their lower bills and make it difficult for the 
animal to pick up it's food. 
"What you need to do is gently file the upper 
bill down even with the lower bill. 
But you must be extra careful because the 
duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill 
and if you file down too far, when the duck 
takes a drink of water it'll drown." 
The man goes about his business and about 
a week later the Doctor runs into his patient. 
"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor 
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man. 
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too 
He took a drink of water and drowned didn't 
he?" insisted the Doctor. 
"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead 
before I took him out of the vise."

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit 
the Frog have in common?
A: Their middle names. 

1969: America winning space race with the 
2014: America keeping up with the 

I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier 
after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra 
BBQ sauce. 

If eyes are the window to the soul, then 
the mouth is the barn door. 

So the suicide hotline is only for prevention 
and not for nominating people who should 
kill themselves. 
Damn..... I made a list and everything. 

I went on a date last night! It went really well 
..up until the moment the couple realized I 
was following them & promptly called the 

My kids are mad at me because I never 
unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches. 

In retrospect, when the cop pulled me over & 
asked "where's the fire", stroking a lighter & 
"haven't decided yet" was a mistake. 

Not sure if my cooking skills have improved or 
my taste buds have adapted. 

My sleeping pills say don't mix with alcohol, 
but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. 
Doctors think they know everything.....


Sunday, July 27, 2014



I am having an out of money experience.
All you get for picking my pocket is practice. 

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender 
written in weird symbols. 
I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle. 

A doctor says to his severely ill patient..... 
I have a good news and a bad news. 
Ok, I want the good news first. 
Well, you're off diet restrictions, you're free 
to eat anything you want, deep fried, fatty 
and sugary and high calorie, whatever you 
want to eat. 
Really? and it won't make a difference to my 
health condition? 
None. absolutely none. 
So, what's the bad news? 
You have only two days to live!

I always try to hold the door open for women I see 
walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. 
But none of them will get in my car.

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling 
me how she had a worse day than me. 

Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the 
on the subway today. 
Took everything in my power not to attach a 
shower curtain.

Being sick can really affect your grades in 
The kid my son cheats off of was out all last 

The truck driver looked suspiciously at the 
soup he had just been served in a backwoods 
It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two 
of the spots were suspicious. 
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these 
particles in my soup - aren't they foreign 
She is scrutinizing his bowl. 
"No, sir!" she reassured him. 
"Those things live around here."
(I know the place.........they have a sign in the 
window that reads "SORRY, WE'RE OPEN".)

If stealing office supplies was an Olympic 
sport they'd test me for steroids. 

So I just found out.... 
my property line isn't where I thought it was. 
Good thing too, or it would have been me arrested 
for those marijuana plants instead of my 
I always cry at the same spot in the movies. 
Right at the ticket window. 

My kid wanted juice but I gave him water 
which he promptly turned into whine.