••
♥
Did you hear about the guy who invented a
knife that can cut four loaves of bread at once?
He's calling it the "Four Loaf Cleaver."
••
A donkey had an IQ of 186.
He had no friends at all though.
Because even in the animal kingdom,
nobody likes a smart-ass.
••
I admire people who can work through their
handicap.
I met a blind hooker.
You really had to hand it to her.
••
If people listened to themselves more often,
they would talk less.
••
I meet a lot of strippers, and they always say
the same thing: I'm paying my way through
medical school.
Now, if that's the truth, why is that you never
meet a doctor that used to be a stripper?
You'd think they'd be everywhere.
••
When you rob an Ikea store, they probably make
you put all the money in the bag yourself.
••
When I'm at a friend's house & there are snacks,
all I'm thinking is "How do I eat everything
without looking like a homeless person?"
••
My superpower is turning food and drink into
larger pants.
••
A visitor from R-Ville was strolling along the
California surf one morning.
During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing
pole clutched in his hands, sound asleep against
the side of a huge coastal rock.
Just then the pole began to jerk violently.
"Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the
fisherman.
"Look out there! You have a bite."
"So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out
at the water.
"If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for
me?"
The visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was
requested.
"Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put
some fresh bait on the hook and cast the line
out for me."
Again the visitor complied.
After doing so he turned to the lazy angler.
"You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as
you ought to get married and have a son to do
these things for him."
"That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman.
"Know where I could find a pregnant woman?"
••
Mom and dad tried to surprise me with a new
car, but I saw them coming and I jumped
out of the way...
••
My wife has banned dad jokes in our house....
So I have to stand outside and shout them in..
••
She has a million dollar figure, but the top
half is counterfeit.
••••
