"Walking the cat"
••
♥
One morning, Harry wakes up...and goes
downstairs into the kitchen.
It's his birthday.
It's the third day of the third month and
Harry is thirty three years old.
He notices that the kitchen clock has broken
and stopped at 3:30am.
On the radio, the weather announces that the
temperature is 33 degrees.
Opening the sporting section of his newspaper,
he turns to page three; he sees that a horse
called 'Triple Treble' is running in the 3.30.
He rings up a bookmaker and puts $303.00 on it
to win....... It comes in third.
••
A local church built a new sanctuary.
They moved their very fine old pipe organ
from to the new sanctuary.
It was an intricate task that was completed
successfully.
The local news heralded . . .
"St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."
••
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but
the heavier ones need a crane.
••
I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold
in my backyard right up until the damn
neighbors cat murdered all the actors.
••
Every time I wear my suit, I hear the same
five words.
"Will the defendant please rise."
••
Wife asked me to hang up some new wall
decorations she picked up.
One was a little heavy so I wanted to nail into
a couple studs instead of just using drywall
anchors.
She saw me rooting around in the garage
and asked what I was looking for.
"My stud finder....
Wish I could turn it on remotely so it would
just find me instead!"
••
My kids are giving all the people on this plane
a hard lesson in birth control right now.
••
When the Methodist minister falls down the
stairs, he picks himself up and says,
"That was an experience, how do I learn from
it?"
When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs,
he picks himself up and says, "I must have
done something really bad to deserve that."
When the Presbyterian minister falls down
the stairs, he picks himself up and says,
"That was inevitable, I'm glad its over."
When the Baptist minister falls down the
stairs, he picks himself up and says,
"Which one of my deacons pushed me?
••
I've learned a lot about women.
Ex: if you're going to the hospital for a
gunshot wound & she asks for tampons,
you'd better stop on the way.
••
The chaplain for the death row inmate entered
cell and told the condemned man, "They are
going to allow you ten minutes of grace."
"That's not very long," he shrugged, "but
what the hell, send her in!"
••
Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to
meet my family, so I did.
Her and my wife aren't getting along.
••
What do you call the baby that was conceived
on the beach?
Sandy.
••••
