Saturday, April 19, 2014

••










••

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't 
need glasses. 
Drinks right out of the bottle.

••
The only time my wife screams my name in bed
is when I break wind in my sleep. 

••
Slovenia's state-run news agency reported on the 
death of 'passionate' fisherman Franc Filipic, 47, 
who drowned after hooking a huge lake sheatfish 
(like a catfish) and refusing to let 
go as he waded in and was pulled under. 
Friends reported his last words were 'NOW I've 
got him!'  
Divers found his body after a two-day search.

••
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly 
bartenders. 

••
The doctor looked at the woman who had come 
to him for an examination. 
"Mrs. Brown, I have some good news for you." 
The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, 
but I'm Miss Brown, not Mrs." 
"Oh. Well, in that case Miss Brown," said the 
doctor without changing expression, "I have some 
bad news for you....

••
I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby
as though it might be something else, 
like a penguin or a lawnmower. 

••
Two law partners leave their office and go to 
lunch. 
In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps 
his forehead.
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe 
before we left." 
His partner replies " What are you worried about? 
We're both here."

••
Went to the store without my dentures, 
because really, what are the odds 
Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for 
the same box of fish sticks? 

••
Here's how I gained 27 Ibs. of muscle in 5 weeks: 
Lying....... 

••
Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. 
They notice Rocky Mountain Oysters on the 
menu and wondered what that was.
They ask the waiter who replies "Oh Sister, 
those are nuts." 
She answers "Do you mean like the kind you 
crack with a rock?"
"No...... The kind you rock on a crack." 

••
I got in touch with my inner child and the 
little shit hung up on me....

♦♦♦♦