Good Morning......everyone.....

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One day the school principal was talking to Little Johnny's teacher
about his behavior, when all of a sudden Johnny comes running down
the hallway.
The principal stops Johnny and asks him, why are you running?
Little Johnny says; I’m keeping two kids from fighting, sir.
Who? ask the principal.
Me and the kid chasing me; and off he went.

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Barack Obama has stated that military action against North Korea
will depend on whether or not their plutonium contains oil.

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 The thought of my first airplane trip terrified me. 
But after the ticket agent quoted statistics showing that flying was
quite safe, I felt better.
"Now take this ticket to Gate 22," he said. 
"That's where we give out the helmets, goggles and parachutes."

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Mitt Romney said Newt Gingrich was too "zany" to be president.
Newt Gingrich responded by tossing confetti in the air, squeezing
a car horn, and then spraying seltzer at Mitt Romney.

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A movie called "The Artist" got six nominations.
It's a silent movie where people's mouths move but nothing comes out.
It's like Rick Perry at a debate.

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Q: What do rich cats have in their refrigerators?
A: Automatic mice makers.

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In this new “Chipmunks” movie, the chipmunks wreak havoc on a
cruise ship.
I don't know much about cruise ships, but they're not usually kind
to rodents.
A rodent on a cruise ship would be treated worse than Michael Vick
at a dog pound.

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The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister
asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about
that?"
"Yep," said the youngster.
"I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the
old goat for dinner.'

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An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a
car pulls over next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a
piece of candy."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving
the car pulls over again.
"How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.
"Ok," he says, "This is my final offer.
 I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.
"Look," he shouts to the driver.
"You bought the damned Volvo, Dad.
You'll just have to live with it!"

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What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law?
Vultures wait until your dead to pick on you.

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The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her
students on sexual morality. 
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. 
In moments of temptation," she said, " ask yourself just one question:
 Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said,
"Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

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There's a story of a dog who sat too close to the railroad tracks.
A train came along and cut off his tail.
When the dog tried to bite the train, he got his head cut off for his
trouble.
The moral of this story is: Don't lose your head over a piece of tail.

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I have been pondering my retirement and have thought about what
to do when I finally pack it in.
Many things came to mind but I think I really want to explore my
interest in Chemistry, particularly chemical changes in matter.
I have decided to devote my retired life to changing beer, scotch,
and bourbon into urine.

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Todays Thought...

We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing.
Action always generates inspiration.
Inspiration seldom generates action.

Rae's Trivia....

The first president to ride in a car was Theodore Roosevelt in
Hartford, Connecticut, in 1902.
The first president to fly in an airplane was Franklin Roosevelt in
1943 from Miami, Florida, to French Morocco.
The first president to fly an aircraft was Theodore Roosevelt who
was a passenger in a Wright biplane in 1910.
The first president to hold an airplane pilot's license was
Dwight Eisenhower.
Theodore Roosevelt was probably the first president to own a car,
also.

 

Good Morning...Friends..
Cloudy, today.. A chance of rain in the afternoon.
Highs in the lower 60s. Chance of rain 40 percent.

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Want some candy... little girl..?

I don't think so.....

My kinda Place.....

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♥♥♥

A mother says to her husband,"let's give our son a bicycle this
Christmas."
"Do you think that will make him behave better?" the dad asks.
The mom says "I don't think so, but it will spread his rotten
behavior over a wider area."

☺

After four karate lessons......
I can now break a two inch board with my cast.

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This just in:
Scientists have just discovered oil reserves in Antarctica.
After the announcement, the United States condemned the Penguins'
brutal regime and called for UN action to stabilise the region.

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A man decided to march in the Holy Crusades.
Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone,
he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend.
He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and
set her free to live a normal life."
So, the husband leaves on horseback.
About a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him.
He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"You gave me the wrong key!"

☺

At the typical Christmas dinner, Mom is always yelling,
"Get out of my kitchen!"
 The grown kids are always yelling at their tiny offspring,
"Stop running! You'll break Grandma's furniture!"
 Dad is always yelling, "Get out of the way! I can't see the TV set!"
 The little ones are yelling, "It's my toy! Let me play with it!"
 This is why this is known as the Holler Day Season.

☺

Chuck Norris doesn't go on the Internet, he has every site stored in
his memory.
He refreshes webpages by blinking.

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My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding
from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping,
I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away.
It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green,
two golfers stared at me in awe.
I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind
me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

☺

My aunt's young family with two boys ages 3 and 4, had attended
church one spring morning.
As they left the church the pastor said, "Well, look at you boys,
all bright eyed and bushy tailed!"
Joe the older boy loudly announced, "We don't got tails;
we got Dinkys!"
My aunt was mortified.

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Barack Obama has stated that military action against North Korea
will depend on whether or not their plutonium contains oil.

☺

 A three-year-old girl on her first trip to the beach took one look at the
ocean and ran to her mother. 
Persuaded to get her feet wet, the girl splashed at the water's edge. 
Later as the tide came in, she ran across the sand and screamed,
"Mom, the water is chasing me!"

☺

I tried stand-up comedy in a tough house.
The poor fellow before me got booed off the stage.
In fact, he was so bad, that two minutes into my routine,
they started booing him again.

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Todays Thought;

When it's a question of money, everybody is of the same religion. - Voltaire

Rae's Trivia.....

It is thought that the saying "pulling your leg" originated from the
 custom in the Middle Ages of hanging people in such a creative
way that the victims often choked slowly and in agony.
To put an end to their sufferings, pals or relatives of the suffocating
victims would pull down hard on their legs in order to snap their necks.

 

Good Morning, Friends and neighbors...
Well Rain today... A chance of thunderstorms in
the afternoon. Highs in the lower 60s.
Chance of rain near 100 percent.

♦♦

No pictures again... Blogger uploader not working,
again.... come on Google!

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Murphy Laws applied to Aviation......

Flights never leave from Gate- 1 at any terminal in the world.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go
to the lavatory.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest
gate within the terminal.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as
soon as you touch pen to paper...

♦

Once upon a time, there was a cat that died.
When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth.
She told God that it was awful -- she had to sleep in
cold black alleys where there was no food and life was hard.
God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way --
but here, in heaven, she would be happy and would have the most
comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on.
The cat lay down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice came to heaven together,
and God asked them how they had liked earth.
The earth was no better for them than it was for the cat.
They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and
their feet were worn out from always running from cats
and dogs and people.
God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them roller-skates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she liked heaven.
She explained that it was absolutely wonderful.
The pillow was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept,
but even better than the pillow was the meals on wheels.

♦

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic!

♦

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandpa,
 do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "Now, how are we alike?"
"You're both old, he replied."

♦

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
 "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly,
especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

♦

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

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Olga has a weakness for anything with chocolate. 
She went shopping in downtown R-ville one day and stopped for
a rest in a coffee shop. 
The place was crowded and the only vacant seat was at a table
where a young man sat alone, so she got his permission to share the
table.
The young man had a coffee and two chocolate doughnuts. 
He finished the coffee and one doughnut and then left. 
Olga sat and stared at the remaining doughnut. 
She was on a diet at the time, but temptation  finally got the better
of her and she took it.
With her mouth completely full, she looked up, to see the young man
returning, holding a coffee refill to go along with his second doughnut.

♦

I wouldn't say my best friend is cross-eyed, but when he cries,
the tears roll down his back.

♦
♦
Todays Thought:
There is no problem so great that it can not be made worse with a
little Federal involvement.


Rae's Trivia.....
One of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World was a lighthouse,
the famous Pharos of Alexandria in Egypt.
Pharos was the first lighthouse in history,
and is still the tallest on record.
(It was 450 feet high, about the size of a 45-story skyscraper.)

(((((((((((((((((((((((O))))))))))))))))))))))

Good Morning,Friends.....

Today; Mostly cloudy. Highs in the lower 50s.

North winds around 5 mph...

 

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Rae, at the  hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today."
the caller said.
"Are you light-headed? " Rae asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

♫

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft..... Today, it’s called golf.

♫

I set a personal record on Christmas.
I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time.
I had all the presents back at my room, I was halfway through
wrapping them, and I realized, Damn, I used the wrong wrapping
 paper.
The paper I used said, Happy Birthday.
 I didnt want to waste it, so I just wrote Jesus on it.

♫

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer
his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask
whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful.
I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I
answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do
once I get there - if I get there; so I really need your help.
What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones,
"Pay me in advance."

♫

Patient: Nurse, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes".
Nurse: "Have you seen a doctor? "
Patient: "No, just spots."

♫

 A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.
The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and that
the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes.
When the man sat down and began observing the tools,
he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer
When the doctor finally came in, the man said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused.
This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the
glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
The doctor curses in exasperation, flungs open the door, and yelled,
"Nurse! I said to bring me a butt light!"

♫

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with
an unusual offer.
"Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love,
honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’
I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows,
the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said,
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every
command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your
life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will
not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,
"Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed,
"I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered,
"She made me a better offer."

♫

If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas,
and smoke in a smoking jacket,
WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??

♫

A guy went into a public washroom and had to use the only available
urinal, which was between two elderly men.
He glanced to his left and saw the guy pizzing, but there were two
streams.
"What the hell is that?" he asked.
"War wound.,
.... I took a bullet in my tool, in North Africa.
They were able to save my tool but they had to leave two holes."
 Then the guy looked to his right and saw three streams.
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the tool, left three holes."
The two veterans then looked over at the guy in the middle and saw
12 streams!
"War wound?" they both asked.
"Naah, my zipper's stuck."

♫

♫

Todays Thought:

Great minds discuss ideas.
 Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Rae's Trivia...

 Moths fly to burning candles or glowing light bulbs because of
 their mating instinct.
It is not the illumination that draws them but the ultraviolet light
of radiant heat, which to us is invisible.
Ultraviolet vision helps moths get together after dark.
Their body temperatures soar when they are in flight and they
home in on one another like heat-seeking missiles.
Warmth from a candle or light seems like a powerful summons
from a supermoth.

 

Good Morning, Friends...
Well, I'm glad this weekend is over...
Todays weather: Sunny..... Highs in the lower 50s.
Southwest winds 10 to 15 mph with gusts up to 25 mph.

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A cup of critter..?

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♥♥♥

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Black mail.............

☺

Petewete was having great difficulty getting along with his wife,
nothing but arguing and friction. ?
So he decided to consult a marriage counselor.
After they had talked for a while, the counselor said, ?I suggest that
you run five miles each day for a week.
Then please call me back.?
A week later the counselor received a call from Petewete. ?
Well,? asked the counselor, "how are things going with you and your
wife?"
How should I know said Petewete....... I'm thirty-five miles away.

☺

The stories from ER:
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!"
 I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs,
and I was in the wrong one.

☺

It was very crowded and noise in this Restaurant and this blond girl
asks the waiter where the restroom was.

And he says: -
I can’t hear you!
So she gets close to his ear and asks again: - Can you please tell me
where the ladies room is?
And he replies: - On the other side!
So she turns around and gets close to his other ear, and asks:-
Can you please tell me where the ladies room is, please!
And he answers: - On the other side!

☺

Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the
elegant home of an older couple.
Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported
carvings and petrified collectibles as well as pick up
after their pets.
 One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying
on the floor beside the bookcase.
I quickly picked them up and put them back on the shelf.
The next week the same thing happened.
 That afternoon my employer came into the parlor,
her faithful canine behind her.
Looking around, she eyed the bookcase.
 “Tippy,” she asked the dog, “how do your bones keep
getting up there?”

☺

Things are getting so bad around my place that the repo men just
took my walker.
 It's OK he can't use it as I kept the key!!!

☺

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that
roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone.
This has been recorded by historians as the worst
mistake anyone has ever made.

☺

Sam: “Gosh what happened to your car?”
 Sid: “Oh, my wife banged it up when she backed it out
of the garage.”
 Sam: “How can that have caused that much damage?”
 Sid: “I had backed it into the garage.”

☺

A safety check would reveal that there isn't a grocery store shopping
 cart that doesn't have all four wheels working.
Unfortunately, however, all four are locked in stable directions.
 Three wheels want to shop, and the fourth wheel wants to go to
the parking lot.

☺

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the
afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had
disappeared.
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and
demanded: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling you remember that jewelry shop where
you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with
it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be
yours one day?"
Wife, with a smile blushing: "Yes, I remember that my Love."
Husband: "Well, I'm in the bar next to that shop."

☺

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

☺

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Todays Thought:

"Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity.
I say let your affairs be as one, two, three and to a hundred or a
thousand.
We are happy in proportion to the things we can do without."
 - Henry David Thoreau

Rae's Trivia....

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates formed a company to sell a computerized
traffic counting system to cities, which made $20,000 its first year.
Business dropped sharply when customers learned that Gates was
only 14 years old.

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Good Morning.... Everybody Okay this morning?
We're go to go this morning...
I'm reading 43º right now...
Mostly sunny. Highs in the lower 40s.
I think we'll have a nice day...

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Petewete was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass
during the hot summer.
He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what
was for supper.
 Well, his wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air
conditioned house all day while she did all the work,
so she scolded him.
“I can’t believe you’re asking me about supper right now!
Imagine I’m out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.”
 So, he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with
potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of iced tea.
 His wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up
and asked him, “You fixed something to eat?.... So, where’s mine?”
“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”
Services will be held at 10:00 AM tomorrow.

<><>

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of
newcomers in a training camp, stated:
"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. 
First, the good.....  Private Peters will be setting the pace on our
morning run."
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight
and terribly slow. 
But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad
news. 
Private Peters will be driving a truck."

<><>

 Three Wise Men...
Considering that not one of those Three Wise Men bothered to
bring a crib or diapers for Baby Jesus, they should simply be known
as 3 Dudes.

<><>

Three men were in heaven discussing how they died.
The first man said, "I died of cancer."
The second man said, "I died of Tuberculosis. "
The third man said, "I died of seenus."
The first two men asked, "Do you mean sinus?"
The third man said, "No, I mean SEENUS.
I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"

<><>

Two moving van men were taking things into a house.
One said, "Joe, help me move this chest."
Joe asked, "Why? Did miss Jones tell you to?"
"No.", replied Tom.
"Then how do you know she wants it moved?" asked Joe.
"Because she's under it."

<><>

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal
your future.
Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same:
death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

<><>

 I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

<><>

Why is Superman stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants.
Why is Batman more stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants and
puts on a belt over his underwear.
Why is Robin even more stupid?
Because he followed what batman did.
Why is Spider-man the most stupid superhero of them all?
Because he wears his underwear over his head.

<><>

A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights.
I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb
worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in.
I did, and each one lit up.
"Great," she said.
I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box.
But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.
"I don’t want this box," she said abruptly.
"It’s been opened."

<><>

<><>

 Todays Thought:

"Fear is the main source of superstition,
and one of the main sources of cruelty.
To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom." - Bertrand Russell

Rae's Trivia...

The Greek theatre grew out of Dionysian worship.
Dionysus, also called Bacchus, was a nature god of fruitfulness
and vegetation, especially known as a god of wine and ecstasy.
He was the son of Zeus and Semele.
Dionysus was the patron god of the important international society
of actors, and their reunions were celebrated in the mode of
Dionysiac Mysteries.
The meetings of the mystery clubs evolved into the Greek theatre.