••

Ruby Falls....

••

♥

When I tell the barista they got my order wrong, 

I get missed-tea eyed. 

••

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. 

"I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. 

"I'll increase your income five-fold. 

Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; 

you'll have four months of vacation each year and live 

to be a hundred. 

All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your 

children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for 

eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. 

"What's the catch?" he asked.

••

New guy: I really like your name....

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday..

••

Some friends were on vacation in Maine, and while 

watching fireworks heard their small son say, 

"Oh, God!" 

The father quickly cautioned his son, "Please don't 

speak the Lord's name in vain." 

The boy nodded but obviously mis-heard, because he 

asked quietly, "Is it OK if I speak his name back in 

Minnesota?" 

••

They're playing Earth, Wind and Fire. 

I was not prepared to party this hard at Home Depot. 

••

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Violet!

Violet who?

Violet the cat out of the bag!

••

I wonder how things turned out for that guy who 

grabbed the bull by the horns. 

••

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means 

it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of 

finance .......

••

Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to 

work?

A: In case they have to draw blood.

••

How does a man take a bubble bath?

He eats beans for dinner. 

••••

••

••

♥

Obama is pissed at his daughters... 

Caught the girls drinking out of a Redneck Solo Cup 

and watching Dukes of Hazzard reruns in the White 

House! 

••

A group of American tourists was being guided through 

an ancient castle in Europe. 

"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. 

Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, 

nothing replaced in all those years." 

"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the 

same landlord I have." 

••

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too 

far from the stage. 

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have 

to watch a mystery close up. 

Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man 

hands the usher a quarter. 

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, 

"The wife did it." 

••

When I was at Wimbledon, I was talking to this guy 

who said he was a ball boy, I told him I was more of 

a breast man myself. 

••

Discovered that my wife can talk to me 

THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so 

I'm returning it. 

••

The Top Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home...

1.Its named Heaven's Waiting Room. 

2.Cheap TV antenna can't pick up Xena: 

Warrior Princess. 

3. Defibrilator doubles as a remote control. 

4.Its named Matlock Manor. 

5.No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets. 

6.Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and 

broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man. 

7.You can't ring a nurse but you can page the attorney's 

office down the hall. 

8.Rectal thermometers made of wood. 

9.Two words: Community Bedpan. 

••

Q: What kind of name would Miley Cyrus and Terminator 

gave to their first baby?

A: The Twerkinator!

••

The clear history button in your browser has saved 

more lives than Superman.

••

Q: What's the only difference between ass kissing 

and brownnosing?

A: Depth perception.

••

A cop pulled me over and said “Papers…” 

So I said “Scissors, I win!” and drove off 

••

I'm convinced that my washing machine...

is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop 

around in my socks. 

••••

••

••

♥

Remove all the safety labels 

Off of every product ever created and just let nature 

run it's course.

•• 

I quit my position in treadmill sales. 

I just felt like the job was going nowhere. 

••

That whole birthing process came as such a shock 

to me, I couldn't speak for two years. 

••

My wife called me a braggart yesterday. 

I left the house and drove away

in my new Mercedes.........nineteen inch rims. 

••

Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey 

asks him what the hell is wrong with you? 

So Ray says "Ive been running from the cops but I 

finally lost them" 

Dewey then asked "what the hell did you do?" 

Ray replied " I was pissing in the shower and the cops 

showed up to arrest me!" 

"Thats not against the law" said Dewey, 

"Thats what I thought," said Ray. 

"But those guys at Home Depot sure must of thought 

it was"

••

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Vic!

Vic who?

Vic a card, any card!

••

The term for an unwashed wine connoisseur is ‘smellier'.

••

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, 

in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. 

He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up 

tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.

He cries out for help, and is answered by what is 

obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that 

he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the 

tribe.

"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this 

to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"

"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be 

editor-in-chief!"

••

Saying you are dumped but we can still be friends is 

like saying the dog died but let's take it for a walk anyway.

••

Sometimes... when you cry ... no one sees your tears... 

sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your 

smile... 

But fart just one time...

••••

••

••

♥

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally 

required to end every sentence with the phrase 

"but there's a good chance I'm wrong about that". 

••

An angry wife was complaining about her 

husband... spending so much of his free time 

in the local bar, so one night he took her 

along with him. 

"What'll you have?" he asked. 

"Oh, I don't know. 

The same as you I suppose," she replied. 

So, the husband ordered a couple of 

Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. 

His wife watched him, then took a sip from 

her glass and immediately spit it out. 

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. 

"I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" 

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. 

"And you think I'm out enjoying myself 

every night!" 

•• 

How many monkeys does it take to chop down a tree? 

1 with the axe ..

and another to yell oooh eeeeyyy Ah Ah Ah! 

••

A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold.

When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was 

ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. 

Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many 

virgins in heaven. 

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, 

"Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because 

people like you murdered them before they could 

experience the pleasure of sex. 

So you're here to service them. 

Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous 

and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. 

I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!" 

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with 

that. 

How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all 

eternity?" 

Allah replied, "Who told you they were women? 

••

My wife was shocked when she found out I 

switched her vibrator with a taser. 

••

I was just sentenced to twenty years for my 

part in a timeshare fraud. 

I have to go to prison for two weeks every 

year for 10 years. 

••

I don't believe all those screwdrivers 

really belong to Philip. 

••

Recently one Congressman from a Bible belt 

congressional district...was asked about his 

attitude toward whiskey. 

The politician responded, "If you mean the 

demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes 

the body, desecrates family life, and inflames 

sinners, then I'm against it." 

He continued, "But if you mean the elixir of 

Christmas cheer, the shield against winter 

chill, the taxable potion that puts needed 

funds into public coffers to comfort little 

crippled children, then I'm for it. 

This is my position, and I will not compromise." 

••

I've been told I have a certain ineffable quality. 

But ladies, I think you'll find I'm totally effable if you 

drink enough beer. 

••

Post natal depression is a serious condition. 

I'm forty-six years old and my mom still bursts into 

tears every time she sees me. 

••••

♠♠

♠♠

♥

Sam was taking a stroll down the street when he 

noticed a crowd running in his direction.

He stopped one of the men and asked, 

"What's going on? Why is everyone running?"

The man replied, "A tiger has escaped the zoo and is 

running loose."

Sam asked, "Oh my God! Which way is it headed?"

The man replied sarcastically....

"You can't possibly be 

thinking we are chasing it!!"

••

I'm watching some television tonight. 

I'm watching The Discovery Channel. 

You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching. 

It just happens. 

Youre flickin around, all of a sudden -- boom -- 

your'e watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half. 

••

You might be a reneck if...

Any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes 

and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.

Your master bathroom has the words "porta" and "potty" 

written on the side.

You can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is 

frozen.

You only bathe when it rains.

You think "Dueling Banjos" is classical music.

You refer to the Surgeon General's Warning on a pack 

of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.

You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.

You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday 

party.

You think 'possum is the "other white meat".

Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car 

to make it look new.

••

I think my wife has a surprise vacation planned. 

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow 

to have my bags packed. 

••

On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped 

at the door to speak to the minister. 

"Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from 

the mistakes of another?" 

"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor, disappointed that 

Frank would even ask such a question. 

"In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd 

consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to 

marry my wife and me last July."

••

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident gum. 

The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife. 

••

Rosy said to her husband Dave, "You know sweetheart, 

you are like a lawn-mower?"

Dave said, "Now where did that come from? 

What do you mean?"

Rosy replied, "It's difficult to get you started, you release 

stinking odors, and you don't work most of the times."

••

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. 

The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing 

physically wrong with him. 

“Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure 

your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles 

to bed with you.”

“It’s true,” said the patient, “but my wife refuses to 

sleep alone.”

••

The skydiving instructor was going through the 

question and answer period with his new students 

when one of them asked the usual question always 

asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve 

doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit 

the ground?"

The jump master looked at him and in perfect 

deadpan answered: "The rest of your life." 

••

In the library..... 

Customer: I'd like to check out a book called 

"Man - Lord of a Woman". 

Librarian: You'll find science fiction on the

third floor. 

••••