••
♥
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally
required to end every sentence with the phrase
"but there's a good chance I'm wrong about that".
••
An angry wife was complaining about her
husband... spending so much of his free time
in the local bar, so one night he took her
along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know.
The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of
Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from
her glass and immediately spit it out.
"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered.
"I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband.
"And you think I'm out enjoying myself
every night!"
••
How many monkeys does it take to chop down a tree?
1 with the axe ..
and another to yell oooh eeeeyyy Ah Ah Ah!
••
A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold.
When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was
ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised.
Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many
virgins in heaven.
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied,
"Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because
people like you murdered them before they could
experience the pleasure of sex.
So you're here to service them.
Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous
and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty.
I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with
that.
How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all
eternity?"
Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?
••
My wife was shocked when she found out I
switched her vibrator with a taser.
••
I was just sentenced to twenty years for my
part in a timeshare fraud.
I have to go to prison for two weeks every
year for 10 years.
••
I don't believe all those screwdrivers
really belong to Philip.
••
Recently one Congressman from a Bible belt
congressional district...was asked about his
attitude toward whiskey.
The politician responded, "If you mean the
demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes
the body, desecrates family life, and inflames
sinners, then I'm against it."
He continued, "But if you mean the elixir of
Christmas cheer, the shield against winter
chill, the taxable potion that puts needed
funds into public coffers to comfort little
crippled children, then I'm for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise."
••
I've been told I have a certain ineffable quality.
But ladies, I think you'll find I'm totally effable if you
drink enough beer.
••
Post natal depression is a serious condition.
I'm forty-six years old and my mom still bursts into
tears every time she sees me.
••••
