••
♥
Remove all the safety labels
Off of every product ever created and just let nature
run it's course.
••
I quit my position in treadmill sales.
I just felt like the job was going nowhere.
••
That whole birthing process came as such a shock
to me, I couldn't speak for two years.
••
My wife called me a braggart yesterday.
I left the house and drove away
in my new Mercedes.........nineteen inch rims.
••
Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey
asks him what the hell is wrong with you?
So Ray says "Ive been running from the cops but I
finally lost them"
Dewey then asked "what the hell did you do?"
Ray replied " I was pissing in the shower and the cops
showed up to arrest me!"
"Thats not against the law" said Dewey,
"Thats what I thought," said Ray.
"But those guys at Home Depot sure must of thought
it was"
••
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Vic!
Vic who?
Vic a card, any card!
••
The term for an unwashed wine connoisseur is ‘smellier'.
••
A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest,
in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe.
He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up
tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.
He cries out for help, and is answered by what is
obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that
he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the
tribe.
"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this
to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"
"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be
editor-in-chief!"
••
Saying you are dumped but we can still be friends is
like saying the dog died but let's take it for a walk anyway.
••
Sometimes... when you cry ... no one sees your tears...
sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your
smile...
But fart just one time...
••••
