••

••

♥

If gyms paid pretty girls to just sit and clap 

in the weight section, I bet they could 

charge anything they want for a membership.

••

I’ve torn out my burglar alarm system & 

de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.

I’ve got four Syrian flags raised in my front 

garden, one at each corner and the black 

flag of ISIS in the centre. 

The local police, MI5, MI6, Special Branch 

and all the other intelligence services are all 

watching my house 24/7.

I’ve never felt safer.

••

Sunburn is actually pretty crazy. 

Something 93 million miles away is 

burning you....

•• 

Dr. Williams was sleeping soundly when the 

sound of the phone ringing roused him from his 

deep slumber. 

He picked up the phone and growled, "Who is 

this?"

It was Katie, a young mother, who pleaded on the 

phone, "We need you to come over urgently. 

My kid has swallowed a contracptve."

Dr. Williams mumbled, "Okay, I am on my way."

While he was getting dressed, he got another call 

from Katie. 

"Doc", she said sounding calm, "Nevermind. 

My hubby found another one."

••

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending 

transmission from the Milky Way..

we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..

I'd like to come home....

•• 

Britain's fattest man has died.

The cremation will be next Tuesday, 

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday...

••

“The first time I used an elevator it was really 

uplifting, then it let me down.”

••

Prosecutor: How fast was the car coming toward 

you? 

Witness: I am not a thermometer, so I can’t tell 

you the speed limit.

••

I think it's pretty irresponsible when newspapers 

don't post warnings when their Sunday comics 

contain Peanuts. 

••

My wife told me that I am very controlling. 

She'll stay locked in the closet with the dog collar 

on, until she apologizes for her comment. 

••

Attorney: What did the doctor tell you was the 

condition of the body when he performed the 

autopsy

Witness: He described it as dead.

••••

••

••

If you're ever get attacked by a group of 

white people, just yell 

"EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS!" 

and they'll all stop to do the Cha Cha 

Slide. 

••

Irony: I’m watching an exercise infomercial 

because I’m too lazy to get the remote...

••

Every crime show turns into sitcom when the 

cops bring the husband for questioning and he 

asks,

"Why would anyone want to kill their wife?"

••

Just once, I want someone to kick the guy 

grinning and waving behind the news reporter. 

••

Surprise your wife today. 

Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for 

yourself. 

••

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

"Nah"

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I'm over it.....

••

Cindy and Kathy, both residing in an old age 

home, we taking a walk in the park when they 

suddenly saw an old guy running, without any 

clothes on.

Cindy said to Kathy, "I don't have my glasses on. 

Did you see what that guy was wearing?"

Kathy replied, "I didn't, but whatever it was, 

it needs ironing!"

••

Broke my nose playing football today… 

threw the controller at the wall and it bounced back. 

••

1) Find and catch a rabbit..

2) Go to restaurant..

3) Complain about a hare in your meal..

4) Enjoy free meal plus adorable household pet..

••

Sadie said; 

You'd think strip poker would be more fun but 

Grandpa is horrible at cards.

••

I went to a costume party and showed up in the nude 

carrying a woman on my back. 

My friend answers the door and shockingly asks, 

“What are you supposed to be?!” 

I answered, “I’m a snail.” 

With an obvious look of disdain on his face, 

his friend asks, “Well, who is she?” 

My answer: “Michelle.” 

••••

•ºº•

••

♥

Why is the small size of a candy bar the "fun size"? 

It's more fun to eat a big candy bar? 

••

ATTENTION: We will be performing live power 

tool identification exercises today. 

This is not a drill. 

••

Extreme work pressure. 

An employee pulls over to the side of the road and 

opens his lunch box to see whether he is going to work, 

or coming back from work. 

••

Just took a short nap, although I wouldn't 

exactly call it a cat nap since I didn't lay on 

anyone's clothes or laptop like a total a**hole.

•• 

My girlfriend broke up with me because 

I stole her wheelchair. 

It's ok though, she always comes crawling back.

••

Dear neighbor.. 

who mows his yard early in the morning 

tomorrow, I found my bagpipes for tonight. 

••

It's not fair to blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. 

It was more of a Domino effect....

•• 

All the people that tried partying 'til the cows come home, 

are either stuck at home with a cow or dead from 

alcoholism. 

••

One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan 

Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for 

breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the 

counter looked kind of exhausted. 

After I gave him my order, he asked me how I 

wanted my eggs.

Not wanting to burden him further, I said 

cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you."

With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open 

onto my plate and handed it back to me....

••

My favorite thing about camping is when 

I stay home and don't.

••••

☺☺

••

♥

I feel so bad for all those women... 

who gave me their phone numbers and when I call the 

line has been disconnected. 

This economy is ruthless. 

ccording to my 401(k) account… 

I can retire at age 247.

••

A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said....

"I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. 

Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 

24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the 

other man "why didn't you raise your hand, private?" 

The man replied: "Too much trouble, Sarge." 

••

Several thousand years ago... 

Mayan one: "Okay guys I've finished the calender!" 

Mayan two: "But it only goes up to 21.12.2012" 

Mayan one: "Ah don't worry about it we'll make a new 

one before then. 

I would have carried on on this stone but I ran out of room."

Mayan two: "Fair enough. Hey, imagine if people thought 

that the world was gonna end because you couldn't find 

a bigger stone." 

Mayan one: "Yeah, but you'd have to be pretty stupid to 

think that wouldn't you?" 

••

The cops found pot on Willie Nelson's tour bus. 

In other news, water is wet. 

••

“Deep cuts were made in the guillotine industry 

and heads rolled.”

••

You know you're ugly...... 

when it comes to a group picture and they hand 

you the camera. 

••

A man is walking around the streets of New York

one day when he spies an old friend of his from 

college. 

"Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! 

How have you been ?" 

"Well," Boris replies. 

"I am the piccolo player for the International 

Orchestra." 

"Spectacular!" the man replies. 

"It is not what you might think, my friend. 

We play for the king of England, he loves the 

music. 

He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they 

fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone 

with gold, and then there's me with the damn 

piccolo. 

"We play for the queen of France. 

She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments 

with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and 

they fill the trombone with silver, and then 

there's me with the damn piccolo. 

"Then we play for the czar of Russia. 

He hates the music; he say 'Shove the instruments

up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the 

trombone doesn't fit..and then there's me with 

the damn piccolo!" 

••

Hate to brag, but a cute policewoman 

gave me her number today. 

It's only 3 digits and she said it's only for emergencies, 

but I know what she meant. 

••

Mondays aren't so bad if you force yourself to 

have a terrible weekend. 

••••

••

For Me??

••

♥

Don't be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths. 

••

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing 

is said.

I sharpie on a beard for November and suddenly 

everyone has something to say.  

••

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about 

the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

••

My lawyer said he wanted a retainer. 

I don't know why I should have to pay for his dental work.

••

I don't know why men go to bars to meet women. 

All they have to do is go to the supermarket and look 

for young women buying TV dinners and cat food....

••

I've always wanted to be one of those people who 

laughs all the way to the bank, instead of one 

who cries every time he leaves.

•• 

All the people that tried partying 'til the cows come home, 

are either stuck at home with a cow or dead from alcoholism. 

••

A vagabond in 18th century England, exhausted and 

famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: 

"George and the Dragon." 

He knocked. 

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. 

"Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked. 

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. 

"No!" she shouted. 

"Could I have a pint of ale?" 

"No!" she shouted. 

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?" 

"No!" she shouted again. 

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" 

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him 

to finish. 

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word 

with George?" 

••

Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people 

can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three 

registers will be open. 

••

Bob Dylan's singing sounds like me insisting 

I'm okay to drive. 

••

The phone rang at the firehouse just five minutes

 after the men had all retired for their afternoon 

nap. 

"It's a terrible blaze at my house," the voice 

frantically cried. 

"The flames are licking through the basement 

and the first floor. 

Pretty soon they'll ravage the entire place." 

"Did you try throwing water over it?" asked the 

fire chief. 

"Yes!" 

"Then there's no use our coming over. 

That's all we do."

••

Momma bird: welcome to the world!

Baby bird: thx!

M: for the next few months instead of food, 

I'ma just throw up in your mouth.

B: wait what......

••••