••
♥
If gyms paid pretty girls to just sit and clap
in the weight section, I bet they could
charge anything they want for a membership.
••
I’ve torn out my burglar alarm system &
de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.
I’ve got four Syrian flags raised in my front
garden, one at each corner and the black
flag of ISIS in the centre.
The local police, MI5, MI6, Special Branch
and all the other intelligence services are all
watching my house 24/7.
I’ve never felt safer.
••
Sunburn is actually pretty crazy.
Something 93 million miles away is
burning you....
••
Dr. Williams was sleeping soundly when the
sound of the phone ringing roused him from his
deep slumber.
He picked up the phone and growled, "Who is
this?"
It was Katie, a young mother, who pleaded on the
phone, "We need you to come over urgently.
My kid has swallowed a contracptve."
Dr. Williams mumbled, "Okay, I am on my way."
While he was getting dressed, he got another call
from Katie.
"Doc", she said sounding calm, "Nevermind.
My hubby found another one."
••
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending
transmission from the Milky Way..
we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..
I'd like to come home....
••
Britain's fattest man has died.
The cremation will be next Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday and Friday...
••
“The first time I used an elevator it was really
uplifting, then it let me down.”
••
Prosecutor: How fast was the car coming toward
you?
Witness: I am not a thermometer, so I can’t tell
you the speed limit.
••
I think it's pretty irresponsible when newspapers
don't post warnings when their Sunday comics
contain Peanuts.
••
My wife told me that I am very controlling.
She'll stay locked in the closet with the dog collar
on, until she apologizes for her comment.
••
Attorney: What did the doctor tell you was the
condition of the body when he performed the
autopsy
Witness: He described it as dead.
••••
