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♥

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected 

his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men 

smelled bad. 

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors 

would change their underwear occasionally. 

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!" 

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and 

announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and 

wants you to change your underwear." 

He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, 

you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with 

Schultz........ Now GET TO IT!" 

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Someone may come along 

and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any 

better...

••

Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% battery remaining. 

••

I saw a video of The Grateful Dead.. 

And I was impressed that their groupies still followed them 

around after all those years. 

Well I guess it was their original groupies ....they were a bunch of 

old ladies throwing Depend diapers on stage...

••

"Who is more busy than he who hath least to do?"

       -- John Clarke

••

New Hampshire may ban hunters from using chocolate as bait

 for bears. 

They've been using chocolate as bait for bears and they may 

ban it. 

They stopped using chocolate after the traps caught three 

depressed women going through a breakup.

••

Beans, Beans , they make you go '' poot '' . 

but if it feels wet , then it's probably poop . 

••

Beans , Beans , they give you the gas . 

to play trumpet noises, right out of your ass . 

••

Hillary Clinton said she may not run for president because she 

loves having time to hang out with her friends. 

Thankfully, most of her friends live in Iowa, New Hampshire, 

Ohio, Florida, and the great state of Pennsylvania.

••

Beans , Beans , if it's the smell that you fear . 

plug up your nose and there still fun to hear . 

••

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. 

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he 

started the engine & turned it off again. 

Then said, "We have reached your destination". 

The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said 

"Thank you". 

The 3rd guy slapped the driver. 

The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk 

knew what he did. 

But then he asked "What was that for?". 

The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next 

time, you nearly killed us!" 

••••

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♥

According to a new report, there is a shrine in Japan solely 

dedicated to hemorrhoids. 

Seating is limited, but usually available.

••

If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday.

 I want to exchange it for another Friday. 

••

In a new interview, the president discussed the upcoming 

election. 

He said that Hillary Clinton is going to do great as a presidential 

candidate. 

When asked how Biden would do, Obama said, "Hillary's 

going to do great." 

••

I just dozed off for a minute and woke up freaking out because 

I thought I missed my exit. 

••

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the 

things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do, so throw 

off the bowlines, sail away from safe harbor, catch the trade 

winds in your sails. 

Explore, Dream, Discover." 

- Mark Twain  

••

Unicorns are real, 

they are just fat and we call them rhinos. 

••

Son: Dad there is some one on the door to collect 

donations for a swimming pool.

Dad: Give him a glass of water.

••

All you have to do to spoil a good day is to figure out how 

much of your salary will be withheld for taxes.....

•• 

You know, I threw a boomerang a few years ago. 

I now live in constant fear.

••

The IRS says they can't give back 80 million 

dollars in refunds because they don't have 

addresses for the taxpayers. 

Yeah, they can't find you when they owe YOU 

money..

••••

••

••

♥

Wife: "you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning 

was a wise idea?"

 Me: "why?"

 W: 

 M: 

 W: "they're running along side the car"

••

"I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad the 

homeless guy's dog, because he must be thinking 

'Man, this is the longest walk ever.'"

••

Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, 

they taste good and they will slowly kill you. 

••

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were once again 

spending Saturday night at the City Bar, and 

after several hours of steady drinking, 

Thibodeaux suddenly fell backwards off of the 

barstool and onto the floor, passed out cold. 

Boudreaux looks at Thib, looks up at the 

bartender, and remarks, "Dat's what I like about 

Thibodeaux.....

He knows when he done had enough to drink." 

••

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike 

and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.....

••

You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon 

doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

••

Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. 

She's had a headache for the past 15 years. 

••

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a 

donut so you don't have to share. 

••

If there is not a open bar and a goddamn 

delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift 

card to Walmart back. 

••

Are we still burning witches? 

It's the 21st century. 

We should be microwaving them.  

••

My son's favorite toy is the free blood pressure 

machine at Walgreens... 

••••

••

••

♥

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park....

Lady doesn't even say thanks..

Puts cart back behind her car...

Leaves. 

••

I was riding a horse once and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it -- 

everyone on the carousel freaked out. 

••

you might be a redneck if.. 

Your living room sofa used to be in a Chevy. 

You have several cars permanently parked in your yard. 

You spray deodorant through your clothing. 

The washing machine is on the front porch. 

Most of your drinking glasses have a screw top. 

Your Christmas lights are still up.... from 1995..... 

••

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from 

him. 

Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole 

his car...

••

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast. 

 And 6 donuts for second-breakfast....

•• 

I knew I guy who loved money so much that he married a 

woman named Penny. 

I knew another guy who married a woman named Fannie. 

I guess he loved, well, never mind.....

••

Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor's recycling bins. 

So the garbage men don't think it's just me.

•• 

Just spent half an hour trying to take the wife's bra off. 

I wish I'd never tried it on. 

••

Sleeping in could easily be my superpower, 

if not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee. 

••

I don't like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so 

I mix it with hand sanitizer. 

It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at 

night. 

••

I went to a mechanic when my car started making 

these awful noises, but it just turned out to be Nickelback 

playing on the radio. 

••••

••

Bath time fun.....

••

♥

Spiderman's only fear: 

Rolled-up Newspaper Man.....

•• 

There is a new app. that tells you how smarter 

your dog is. 

 Here's how it works : 

If you bought the app. your dog is smarter than 

you. 

••

*job interview* 

Boss: Give an example of when you've done 

something creative. 

Me: When I listed my 'experience' on the 

application form.

••

My dad use to take me to the circus to see the 

tattooed man and the bearded lady. 

Now, I can see them anytime shopping at 

Walmart. 

••

Life is more exciting when you're out there living it. 

I read that online somewhere. 

••

Found a baby snake in my backyard while 

mowing. 

Long story short, I don't have to mow anymore 

since my yard is on fire. 

••

The roof of my mouth just healed from that 

Hot Pocket I had one month ago.... 

••

"I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I'll buy 

the store brand that's on sale instead." 

The last thoughts of a man who's about to die. 

••

My wife told me to go out and get something that 

makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.  

••

Do you have any motivational books? 

Yeah, they're in the back. 

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

••

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates: 

 1. Nice shirt. 

 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 

 3. Okay, first shirt again. 

 4. He has two shirts.

••••