Good Morning....friends........

In a hurry this morning....

.

Good place.........

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Not a good person....

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Momma sez: Keep it clean..

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Don't give him your hand...he'll pull you in......

.

This lamp post is an ad for McDonalds in Vancouver...

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Devil's Flower Mantis...

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Fight....fight.....

.

Excuse me....I gotta..................

.

♥♥♥

~~ I got this new deodorant and the instructions said:

"Remove cap and push up bottom."

I can barely walk . . . but when I fart, it does smell pretty good.

.

~~ Taz the nurse said: Last Valentine's Day, I arrived at the

doctor's office where I work to find a mystery man pacing up

and down holding a package.

As I got out of the car, he declared warmly,

"I have something for you."

I excitedly ripped open the bundle.

It was a urine sample.

.

~~ There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me.

He was covered with bandages from head to toe.

I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"

He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer."

I asked, "When did you give it up?"

He replied, "Halfway down."

.

~~ An amateur pilot wannabe, I knew I'd finally made progress

with my flight training the day my instructor turned to me and said,

"You know, you're not as much fun since you stopped screaming."

.

~~ Sherry, After giving birth, she couldn't lose the 40 pounds

she'd gained.

So she dragged her husband to the mall in search of more

flattering clothes.

They were encouraged by a sign over a rack of suits:

"Instantly hides ten pounds!"

"Look," he said...... "You just need to buy four of these."

.

~~ Waiting my turn to enter a rotary intersection, I noticed a

guy drive around twice, then leave by the same road he'd entered.

His vanity license plate read "GENIUS."

.

~~ I walked into the lobby of my apartment building recently

and was greeted by this notice:

"To whoever is watering these plants, please stop.

They are the property of the building, and our maintenance

staff will take care of them.

They may have already been watered, in which case you will

be overwatering them.

Besides, these plants are fake."

.

~~ British novelist C.S. Lewis (1898-1963), returning home

from a walking tour, had just boarded the first class

compartment of his train.

An old lady, startled at seeing Lewis' unkempt appearance

asked him, "Have you a first-class ticket?"

"Yes, madam," he replied, "but I'm afraid I'll be needing

it for myself."

.

~~ While working as an airline customer-service agent,

I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could

take her dog on board.

I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a

$50 charge and provided her own kennel.

I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough

for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.

"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!"

the customer complained.

.

~~ Two male flies are buzzing around looking for good-looking

females.

One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow dung and dives

down toward her.

"Pardon me," he asks, turning on his best charm, "...

but is this stool taken?"

.

~~ A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery.

"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant.

A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened,

and an elephant came out.

He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in,

sucked up all the jewellery, and climbed back into the truck.

The doors closed and the truck pulled away."

The desk sergeant said, "Can you tell me, for identification

purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an

African elephant?"

"What's the difference?" asked the jeweller.

"Well," said the sergeant, "an African elephant has great big

ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."

"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweller.

"He had a stocking over his head."

.

~~ "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.

Cats have never forgotten this."

.

~~ My youngest child was thrilled when her turn came to enter

kindergarten.

To make sure we had plenty of time to eat breakfast and get

ready on the first day, I woke everybody up early,

so early that it was still dark.

I was getting dressed when my little daughter came into my

room looking troubled.

"What's wrong? I asked, mustering as much cheerfulness as

I could at that hour....... "This is your big day!"

She blurted, "You didn't tell me I was going to night school."

.

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Todays Thought: There is no indigestion worse than trying to eat your own words.

.

Good Morning Everyone.....Going to have a nice weekend?

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A little old time salvation is what we need.....

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Bath time?

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Yep...their chilling out...........

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"Witchy", want to rent one of these? .........

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Dog sleeping in the cats bed,...so the cats sleep on him....

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I tried this once while working on a hot summer.......

rather keep my hair..... (what I got of it)

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They been into "Summers", screech.......

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Must spend alot of time back there.....?

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Watch this thing....it bites.......could hurt, you know......

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Arkansas bar-b-que......? Right Pete.........

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I never heard these guys... wonder why I don't wanna now?

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♥♥♥

~~ The ship sank....... He was the lone survivor.

He swam towards a distant beach.

When he arrived there, he crawled up on the shore to rest

and count his blessings; that's when he saw the first one,

a pecan pie.

He then saw a banana split, a cup of vanilla

gelatin, chocolate chip cookies, caramel apples and yellow cake.

Suddenly he realized he was on a desserted island.

.

~~ "I'm sorry, Gus," said the doctor,

"there's simply nothing I can do for you.....

Your condition is hereditary."

"Oh," replied Gus, "in that case just send the bill to my parents."

.

~~ Q: What's a practical nurse?

A: A nurse who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.

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~~ COACH of the R-ville Devils.....

We have a great team this year.

So far we have had no losses, no draws and no goals

scored against us.

REPORTER: How many games have you played?

COACH: The first one is next Sunday.

.

~~ Why do so many go from air-conditioned houses,

offices, and cars to health clubs to sweat?

.

~~ My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years

I had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said,

"I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and

invited me to join him afterwards.

"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,"

he suggested.

I happily agreed.

At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter

came to take our order.

My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said,

"Separate checks, please..."

.

~~ Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory

banks of our children.....

.

~~ It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn.

The teacher asked the children their names one at a time,

and for each to spell their name out loud.

When she came to a young Pakistani boy and asked his name,

he replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee."

"How do you spell that?" asked the teacher.

"My mother helps me," said the little boy.

.

~~ QUESTION: Who is more satisfied, a man with a million

dollars, or a man with six children?

ANSWER: The man with six children.

The man with a million dollars wants more.

.

~~ During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive,

our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship.

His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive

attitude, even when turned down.

One potential customer told Philip,

"I've got papers and magazines strewn all over the place - -

I don't need any more."

Philip's reply?...... "Well, how about a subscription to

'Good Housekeeping'?"

.

~~ One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was

attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased

from his license.

The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time

was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked

when each session began.

Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked

door.

The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"

The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket."

The officer let him in.

.

~~ "According to a new survey of all the social-networking sites,

Twitter had the highest percentage of older users.

In fairness, most of them just kept creating new accounts

because they forgot their passwords."

.

.

Todays Thought: An attitude is contagious..... Is yours worth catching?

.

Good Morning.....Friends. Ready for a great weekend?

.

She's a cutie now.... but later?

.

How about this tat?......not what I would want.....

.

Good hair do....... got to be fine.......

.

I guess he likes it.........

.

Addicted.................

.

Cool.......

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Bling...Bling........

.

Whoooh,....Thats cool.......

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♥♥♥

~~ Driving down the highway one day,

I saw this slogan on the back of a well-known trucking

company's vehicle: "We Go That Extra Mile."

Then I noticed another phrase scrawled in the dirt just below it:

"Because We Missed the Last Exit!"

.

~~ What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

.

~~ To avoid the swine flu we're now being told to avoid

human contact.

No human contact...... I call that my weekend.

.

~~ They're auctioning off a dinner with Sarah Palin.

The starting bids are $25,000.

They say now that for an extra thousand dollars she'll

actually shoot the main course.

.

~~ A young man in college called his mother and announced

excitedly that he had just met the girl of his dreams.

Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea:

"Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite

her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later,

the girl came to dinner.

His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned.

"She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.....

"We hadn't started eating yet."

.

~~ QUESTION: What does an envelope say when you lick it?

ANSWER: Nothing, it just shuts up.

.

~~ A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who

complained about the current prices compared to the low

prices in the good old days.

"Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they

were old enough to remember them."

.

~~ Employees are counseled by our benefits department in

their choice of the various options regarding the benefits

available to them (medical, dental, vision coverage,

life insurance, etc.).

I had just spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options

to one of our new employees.

After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions,

he decided on $100,000 worth of life insurance.

But he had one last question.

"Now," he said, "what do I have to do to collect the money?"

.

~~ We were thoroughly confused.

While transcribing medical audiotapes,Sherry, came upon

the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, Sherry double

checked with the doctor.

After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

.

~~ Students at school were asked to write about the harmful

effects of oil on fish.

One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of

sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."

.

~~ According to "The Australian," an airliner recently

encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing,

and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he

had been jogging in place inside.

.

~~ My husband's friend got married and sent the wedding photo

to the local newspaper.

When the announcement appeared in print, the man saw that

their names were listed under the picture of a different bridal

couple.

"I have good news and bad news," the fellow said when he

told his bride of the mix-up.

"The good news is that I have hair.

The bad news is that you're ugly."

.

.

Todays Thought: History repeats itself, but each time the price goes up.

.

Good Morning, Friends...Well a light rain is falling... 70º today..

And the leaves are starting to fall.... nice change..feels good.

.

It's a kitty in a box.

This is easily the most adorable picture I've seen all week

.

Now...I don't think this is cute by a long way........

.

Piccolo Pete, is looking for something to eat....

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Beauty mud bath?.....

.
Swallowed by the toilet.......?

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Pumpkin Gator.....watch your hand......

.

You better run.. that thing looks mean..but there's gas ahead..

.

Think it will fly??

.

This ones just big......It's just for show.......

.

♥♥♥

~~ Three animals were having a huge argument over who

was the best.

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly,

he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey

had nary a chance.

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength---

none in the forest dared to challenge him.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength

to frighten off any creature.

As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and

swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!

.

~~ Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?

A. A pubic hair.

Q. How can you tell if you have acne?

A. If the blind can read your face.

Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a

man fighting with his wife...

A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

.

~~ During a funeral, the organist played a beautiful rendition

of Bach's "Sheep May Safely Graze" as the casket was carried

out of the church. After the service, the minister complimented him on his performance.

"Oh, by the way," the minister asked,

"Do you know what the deceased did for a living?"

"No idea," said the organist as he began packing up.

The minister smiled, "He was a butcher."

.

~~ Visiting a college campus, the prospective student spots

a building called Hemingway Hall.

"How nice," he says.

"That building is named for Ernest Hemingway.

"Actually," says the tour guide,....

"it's named for Joshua Hemingway."

"Was he a writer?" the student asks.

"Yes. He wrote a big cheque."

.

~~ My wife complains her clothes are so old,

they were made in America.

.

~~ So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and

talk about your carpets?".

I thought "That's all I need, a JeHoover's witness".

.

~~ Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at

a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago

the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet

from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs.

The tallest ones, anyway.

.

~~ The American History teacher was lecturing the class on

the Puritans.

She asked, "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"

A small voice from the back of the room responded,

"Small investors."

.

~~ QUESTION: What do you do with a bachelor who thinks

he's God's gift?

ANSWER: Exchange him.

.

~~ The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well

as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets,

and to steal bread.

.

~~ Our coworker Patrick shared his worst workday ever.

He was at an appliance store and the delivery truck had broken

down, which meant he was flooded with angry phone calls from

customers.

One irate caller canceled the delivery and told Patrick what he

could do with it.

"I'm sorry," said Patrick.

"That's impossible.

I already have a stove, a vacuum cleaner, and a microwave

up there."

.

~~ Little Johnny and his buddy .... are walking down the street

when.....

Johnny: My uncle the big shot's coming to visit with us next week.

Buddy: Oh yeah? What makes him a big shot, what's he do?

Johnny: Ahhhhh, he's some kinda politician down there in

Washington..

Buddy: WOW! Honest?!?!

Johnny: Nahhhh, he's just like the rest o' them!

.

.

Todays Thought: Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

.

Good Morning.....friends, well got a lot done yesterday.......

Supposed to rain today...so will rest and lay about.....

.

The stain job, came out real good....Decks good for a couple years....

.

A red headed monkey??

.

Squirrel doing the split........

.

Oh, my....a pipe full of snakes.........

.

Holding hands?......I like to hold hands too....right "Witchy"?

.

Surfing the net.......

.

Now these are real friends......

.

Long haired rat??/

.

I posted this picture last.....so I could get a running start........

.

♥♥♥

~~ Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs

and get talkin' about them.

First one says "My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker."

The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions

a beautiful figurine.

Next one says "My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker"

The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving

emerges.

Third one says "My dog is called iron worker" he puts the fire tongs

into the fire and gets them red hot.

"Now," he says "I'll just touch him on the teste's and you watch him

make a bolt for the door."

.

~~ There are three races, men, women, and children,

and they speak three different languages.

.

~~ Factories are inherently dangerous places,

as this sign posted at a manufacturing plant in Boulder, Colorado,

proves: 'Warning to young ladies:

If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery.

If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.'

.

~~ Money may buy a bed, books, food, and finery,

yet not sleep, brains, appetite, or natural beauty.

.

~~ An angry mother took her 8-year-old to the doctor's office.

"Is a boy of 8 able to perform an appendix operation?" she asked.

"Of course not," the doctor replied.

The mother turned to the little boy.

"See? Now put it back!"

.

~~ The minister of a well-attended, strong, and enthusiastic

church often showed himself ready and able to deal with any

situation that might come up.

One Sunday, just as the minister was reaching the climax of

his sermon, his own young son entered the church,

ran to the center aisle, started making loud beeps and

brrrmms like a car without a muffler, then zoomed right toward him.

The minister stopped his sermon, pointed severely at his son,

and commanded, "Jimmy, park the car immediately beside

your mother on that bench (pointing), turn off the ignition,

and hand her the keys."

The sermon continued undisturbed...

after a good laugh by the congregation.

.

~~ Mary, I know we had a fling, but who told you that you

could come to work when you pleased?"

"My lawyer!"

.

~~ A father told a friend how he had stopped his son from

being late to school.

"I bought him a car." he explained.

"Now he has to get there early to find a parking place."

.

~~ The newly rich couple were having trouble adjusting to

life in their mansion.

After the first dinner there, the husband asked his wife,

"Shall we have coffee in the library?"

"Too late," she replied. "The library closes at five."

.

~~ Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local

Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister

of the Covenant Church across the road.

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into

the ground, that read:

"Da End is Near.

Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now

fore It Be Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window

and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires, a big splash and

then silence....

Boudreaux turn to Thibodaux and axk,

'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say.....'Bridge Out?'

.

~~ One summer evening a young son came in while his parents

were setting the table for supper.

Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.

His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking."

The boy responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."

.

~~ Farmer Martin goes to the vet and says,

"My horse is constipated."

The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube,

stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."

Farmer Martin comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet says, "What happened?"

Farmer Martin says, "The horse blew first."

.

.

Todays Thought: I want to know how anyone knows,

there are no two snowflakes alike?

.