Down Hummingbird Lane

Good Morning....friends........

In a hurry this morning....

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Good place.........

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Not a good person....

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Momma sez: Keep it clean..

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Don't give him your hand...he'll pull you in......

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This lamp post is an ad for McDonalds in Vancouver...

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Devil's Flower Mantis...

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Fight....fight.....

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Excuse me....I gotta..................

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♥♥♥

~~ I got this new deodorant and the instructions said:

"Remove cap and push up bottom."

I can barely walk . . . but when I fart, it does smell pretty good.

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~~ Taz the nurse said: Last Valentine's Day, I arrived at the

doctor's office where I work to find a mystery man pacing up

and down holding a package.

As I got out of the car, he declared warmly,

"I have something for you."

I excitedly ripped open the bundle.

It was a urine sample.

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~~ There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me.

He was covered with bandages from head to toe.

I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"

He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer."

I asked, "When did you give it up?"

He replied, "Halfway down."

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~~ An amateur pilot wannabe, I knew I'd finally made progress

with my flight training the day my instructor turned to me and said,

"You know, you're not as much fun since you stopped screaming."

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~~ Sherry, After giving birth, she couldn't lose the 40 pounds

she'd gained.

So she dragged her husband to the mall in search of more

flattering clothes.

They were encouraged by a sign over a rack of suits:

"Instantly hides ten pounds!"

"Look," he said...... "You just need to buy four of these."

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~~ Waiting my turn to enter a rotary intersection, I noticed a

guy drive around twice, then leave by the same road he'd entered.

His vanity license plate read "GENIUS."

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~~ I walked into the lobby of my apartment building recently

and was greeted by this notice:

"To whoever is watering these plants, please stop.

They are the property of the building, and our maintenance

staff will take care of them.

They may have already been watered, in which case you will

be overwatering them.

Besides, these plants are fake."

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~~ British novelist C.S. Lewis (1898-1963), returning home

from a walking tour, had just boarded the first class

compartment of his train.

An old lady, startled at seeing Lewis' unkempt appearance

asked him, "Have you a first-class ticket?"

"Yes, madam," he replied, "but I'm afraid I'll be needing

it for myself."

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~~ While working as an airline customer-service agent,

I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could

take her dog on board.

I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a

$50 charge and provided her own kennel.

I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough

for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.

"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!"

the customer complained.

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~~ Two male flies are buzzing around looking for good-looking

females.

One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow dung and dives

down toward her.

"Pardon me," he asks, turning on his best charm, "...

but is this stool taken?"

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~~ A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery.

"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant.

A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened,

and an elephant came out.

He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in,

sucked up all the jewellery, and climbed back into the truck.

The doors closed and the truck pulled away."

The desk sergeant said, "Can you tell me, for identification

purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an

African elephant?"

"What's the difference?" asked the jeweller.

"Well," said the sergeant, "an African elephant has great big

ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."

"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweller.

"He had a stocking over his head."

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~~ "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.

Cats have never forgotten this."

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~~ My youngest child was thrilled when her turn came to enter

kindergarten.

To make sure we had plenty of time to eat breakfast and get

ready on the first day, I woke everybody up early,

so early that it was still dark.

I was getting dressed when my little daughter came into my

room looking troubled.

"What's wrong? I asked, mustering as much cheerfulness as

I could at that hour....... "This is your big day!"

She blurted, "You didn't tell me I was going to night school."

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Todays Thought: There is no indigestion worse than trying to eat your own words.

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