☺☺
♥
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very
big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while
making love to his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds
on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by
lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.
big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while
making love to his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds
on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by
lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.
••
Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called.
I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't
really narrow it down much.
I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't
really narrow it down much.
••
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine.
Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling
the can.
Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling
the can.
••
You never know how many people are out jogging
early in the morning till you back out of your driveway
with frost covered windows.
early in the morning till you back out of your driveway
with frost covered windows.
••
People that say "God never gives you more than you
can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.
can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.
••
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say
“no.”
You must also act very surprised by the question.
Jump backwards if necessary.
Alternately, let your monocle fall from an eye socket
into your drink.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say
“no.”
You must also act very surprised by the question.
Jump backwards if necessary.
Alternately, let your monocle fall from an eye socket
into your drink.
••
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN'S WEIGHT AND
LENGTH.....
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
LENGTH.....
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
••
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What color is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Dog pound: What color is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
••
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to
time travel.
It was tomorrow.
time travel.
It was tomorrow.
••
My uncle was a racist piano player, all his work sounded
awful because he skipped all the black keys.
My uncle was a racist piano player, all his work sounded
awful because he skipped all the black keys.
••
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: I have some bad news,
but before I tell you, keep in mind that the Wright bros
could only stay airborne for 12 seconds.....
but before I tell you, keep in mind that the Wright bros
could only stay airborne for 12 seconds.....
••••
