# 3000

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My housekeeping style is best described as....
"There appears to have been a struggle"

 

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If anybody can think of a better fish pun,
let minnow.

 

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Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you're a
member of a rock band long enough one will just
form around you eventually.

 

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"Engagement" can mean either planning to marry or
initiating combat. Coincidence?

 

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One of Jesus' most impressive accomplishments was
being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

 

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The guy at Chipotle couldn't close my burrito.
He looked up at me.
I looked at him.
I whispered, "It's not your fault."
He wept in my arms.

 

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That moment when you hear a weird noise in the
house and you're so lazy you think "Meh, whatever.
I had a good run."

 

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My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog.
I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically
on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to
worry about a Will.
He said, "Will?
What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

 

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The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake
was that it was the most interesting aspect of my
PowerPoint presentation.

 

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I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally
sat on it.
Anyway, that's my story & I'm sticking to it.

 

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The prime minister of India was at the White House.
One embarrassing moment was when President Obama
said to the prime minister, 'Could you take a look at my
computer?'
'I'm having some problems with it, I can't seem to get
through on the tech line.'

 

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