Down Hummingbird Lane

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♥

 

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss.
I told HR that it couldn't have been him because he never
lifts a finger to do anything.

 

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< job interview >
It says here on your resume that you are a "self-proclaimed
man of few words."
Would you like to elaborate on that?
Me: no......

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TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey.
See his little vest?
TSA: ...

••
What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake?
A witch with a drum kit!

 

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And Then It Started.......
A Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks:
"What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my
voluptuous bust or my sexy butt???
He briefly looks her up and down and replies:
"Your sense of humor."

 

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I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups
at me.
I get it, you have more money than me.

 

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Dogs are great because they could rip you apart and
eat you but they don't, because they want belly rubs
instead..

 

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Changed the word "muffin" to "cupcake" and now the
thing on my 3 year old's plate is edible.

 

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I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know
how I feel about you.

 

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 Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the
opportunity to make some woman miserable.

 

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